Every Mile, A Memory
by piratewench78
Summary: Oh, every mile, a memory, every song, another scene / From some old movie going back in time, you and me / Every day, a page turned down, every night, a lonesome sound / Like a freight train rollin' through my dreams / Every mile, a memory. Deacon and Rayna during the thirteen years they weren't together.
1. Back To Me Without You

_**Thirteen years is a long time for two people who are each other's soul mates to be apart. This is a little different, somewhat AU, take on Deacon and Rayna's relationship during those thirteen years that Rayna was married to Teddy. We don't have a lot to go on, history-wise, during those years, so I'm reimagining that whole relationship a bit. My plan is to write each chapter from both POV's.**_

 _ **This is kind of a story, and yet not necessarily, but sort of a series of moments that defined that relationship and carry us from what I would have imagined to be initially awkward to the place where they really began to acknowledge the depth of their relationship and the inevitability of it. I'm imagining a lot of defining moments along the way that move them closer and closer together again. Hope you enjoy.**_

 _Back To Me Without You_

Rayna set the bottle down and then lifted Maddie to her shoulder, rubbing her back gently. After a few minutes, Maddie burped, and Rayna moved her back to the crook of her arm so she could cuddle her. The baby's eyes were slowly closing and Rayna just held her that way until she was fast asleep. She smiled down at her daughter and then, steadying herself with her hand on the arm of the couch, pushed herself up slowly. Maddie screwed up her face a little, but then it smoothed out and, after she smacked her tiny lips a couple times, she settled down.

Rayna walked back to the nursery and carefully laid Maddie down in her crib, covering her with a light blanket. She rested her hands on the side of the crib and looked down at her daughter. She breathed in deeply. When Maddie's eyes were open, they were a beautiful crystal blue, a perfect match to her light covering of dark brown hair. When she smiled or laughed, she had tiny dimples in her cheeks, and when she was unhappy, she had a tiny little crease between her eyebrows. _Just like her father._

From the day Madeline Virginia Conrad was born, Rayna had felt this overwhelming need to keep her daughter safe. She knew that she and Teddy could provide a good life for their daughter, but her urge to protect Maddie weighed heavily on her. Maddie had turned six months old two weeks earlier. Rayna was getting ready to go back into rehearsals for a tour to support the album she'd released while she was pregnant. It had been amazing to be able to take the time with her new baby, getting to know her and getting comfortable with being a mama. It felt like she'd been born to do it.

She was afraid she'd disturb Maddie if she stayed too long, so she turned, after one last wistful look at the baby, and walked out of the nursery. She went into the kitchen and picked up the tea kettle from the stove. She filled it with water and then set it back on the burner, turning on the gas. While the water heated, she retrieved a mug from the cabinet and a tea bag, and then waited for the water to boil.

When she had fixed her tea, she took it out onto the courtyard patio of the house she shared with Teddy. She sat at the little table they'd bought right after they'd moved in. She set the baby monitor in the center so she could hear if Maddie woke up. It was a pleasant fall day, with just the hint of chill in the air. She took a sip of her tea. When she put the mug down, the sun seemed to dance off the diamond on her left ring finger.

She had told Teddy he didn't have to buy her an engagement ring. They really weren't going to do all the traditional engagement stuff, since she was already three months pregnant and they needed to just get married. She'd been surprised when he'd told her he wanted to marry her. She knew she'd broken his heart when she'd told him he probably wasn't her baby's father. She supposed, though, that he'd decided to hold on to hope for at least a little while since they waited to do a paternity test until after the baby was born. She had been grateful to him for offering to marry her. She'd been prepared to do it on her own, but she had also realized that had they not gotten married, it would have been obvious that Deacon was her baby's father. This way, Maddie had a father she could count on and she herself had the kind of stability she hadn't known since long before she'd left her father's house.

She sat back in her chair and wrapped her arms around her waist. Deacon had been sober now for a year. He'd come back to Nashville, after his six month program, just days after Maddie was born. He hadn't tried to see her and she had tried not to check up on him. It would be too hard, she knew. It was hard enough to look in her daughter's face and see him looking back at her. It hurt so much to hold their baby girl and know they couldn't raise her up together, the way they should have. She felt the tears, yet again, as they rolled down her cheeks. She'd cried every day for over a year for what could have been, what _should_ have been. But now would never be. She was Teddy Conrad's wife and their daughter was Maddie Conrad, not Maddie Claybourne.

* * *

 _When the courier had delivered the envelope, Rayna had known what was inside. It was two weeks after Maddie had been born and Teddy had gone into the office for some meetings, so Rayna was alone when it came. She turned the envelope over in her hands, but finally had decided to wait until Teddy came home to open it. She knew in her heart what the results would be. She had known when she'd first looked at the positive pregnancy test. She had known without question the minute she'd laid eyes on her baby. She was sure that Teddy knew too, but he'd avoided the subject during her pregnancy._

 _In many ways, being pregnant had been the happiest time of her life. She had always wanted to be a mama and she couldn't wait for her baby to be born. They'd found out it was a girl and Rayna had been thrilled. She'd spent many hours putting together the nursery, buying the furniture, deciding on the wallpaper, buying tiny clothes and blankets and stuffed animals. She liked sitting in the nursery, in the rocking chair that Lamar had given her as a gift, thinking about how her life would change._

 _But it had also been the saddest time of her life and it was on those days, as she sat in the rocking chair and ran her hands over a children's book or held a velvety soft blanket in her lap, that she thought about Deacon. She would rest her hand on her belly, feeling their baby move inside her, and she would cry. Sometimes softly, but most times it was heart-rending sobs, her heart breaking over the fact that the family she'd always dreamed of having with him would never happen._

 _When Teddy had come home that day, they'd sat on the couch in the den and opened the envelope together. Teddy held the piece of paper tightly as Rayna leaned over to read it. 'The alleged father is excluded as the biological father of the child named above.' She'd had such conflicting emotions. Teddy didn't say a word, just laid the letter down on the coffee table, and had gone out on the patio. Rayna watched him for a moment, then looked back at the test results. She wasn't surprised by what they said, but she was surprised by how sad she felt for her husband._

 _Teddy had been quiet and distant for several weeks afterwards. He still doted on Maddie, cuddling her every chance he got. He wouldn't talk about the results and eventually Rayna stopped trying to get him to tell her how he felt. He would come to bed only after he thought she was asleep and then would lay rigidly on his side facing away from her._

 _One evening, when he came home from work, he walked into the nursery while she was feeding Maddie. He stood by the crib, not looking at her. "I will always be Maddie's father," he said, quietly. "I will love her and protect her and no one will ever know she is not my own." He turned and looked at her sternly. "No one," he said firmly._

 _She understood exactly what he meant._

* * *

So now she was moving on with her life. A life without Deacon in it. It was hard to think about, had been hard to think about this past year and a half. Deacon had been her family, the one person she could always count on in her life. He knew her better than anyone. He understood her, knew what she was thinking, could see through her like nobody else. She hadn't grown up on fairy tales and happy endings, but when she'd met Deacon Claybourne, she'd been swept away by emotions and feelings she'd never experienced before. He was supposed to be her happy ending. She'd thought that's what they had, even as things got tough.

But then things got painful. She had stayed long past when she should have left. But she hated to give up on him, probably wouldn't have given up completely had she not seen that pink plus sign on the home pregnancy test. She still felt an ache in her heart whenever she thought about Deacon, but these days, she thought more about that tiny baby in the other room. That fragile life who needed to be protected and nurtured and loved. And as much as she hated that Maddie wouldn't know the love of her true father, she would certainly be loved and cared for by parents who could give her what she needed.

She never thought she'd be doing this without Deacon, but she was. She wasn't sure how she was going to do any of this without him. But she breathed in deeply as she told herself, yet again, that this was the best thing for all of them.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon sat on the couch with his guitar, absentmindedly picking out a melody. He hadn't done much songwriting since he'd been back from rehab. Not much inspired him anymore. Back in the days when he and Rayna were together, he'd been inspired every day. Everything they wrote, everything _he_ wrote, was about them, about her. But she was someone else's wife now. A mama to another man's child. She'd really and truly moved on. He'd never thought that would really happen, mainly because it never had before. She would always be there, in the end, even when she told him she would not.

It had ended, once and for all, that day he'd shown up, seriously hungover, at rehearsal and she'd fired him, in front of everyone. And by the time he'd made it home, after drowning his sorrows at a neighborhood bar, everything she owned was gone. She'd sent him to rehab, but he hadn't lasted long. When he thought back to those days, it was painful. Details were foggy back then. He would wake up thinking she was still there and roll over to find her side of the bed empty, unslept in. He remembered a morning he'd woken up at the cabin and she was inexplicably there. Actually waking up was probably not completely accurate. He'd sort of come to and he'd had a wicked hangover, made worse by her anger at him. He didn't understand how or why she was even there. He'd show up at a rehearsal and she'd flee the stage in tears, leaving Bucky to tell him he didn't work there anymore. He'd been trying to stay sober after she had moved out, but he wasn't always successful. He went to meetings but more times than not something would trigger a bad memory and he'd wake up the next morning not sure where he'd been or how much he'd had to drink.

He hadn't seen Rayna again after that. At least he didn't remember seeing her again. His life had been a series of blackouts then, missing time and mixed up timelines. She'd moved everything she owned out of their house at some point and then his life just seemed to spiral out of control. Coleman had showed up at his front door one day and told him he had to go to rehab. Again. Rayna had just gotten married to Teddy Conrad. It had been all over the news. He couldn't seem to avoid hearing about it so he'd spent the time drinking himself nearly unconscious. No one was there anymore to make sure he was okay and there was more than one time when he'd wished he never woke up. Without Rayna, his life had no meaning. Drinking at least made it not hurt so much.

He hadn't wanted to go to rehab again. He'd fought Cole on it, told him he'd rather just go off somewhere and drink himself to death. He didn't have anything to fight for anymore. Rayna was gone, any chance they'd had of fixing things was over the day she married Teddy Conrad at the country club. Somehow, though, Cole had convinced him he needed to do it, and so he'd gotten on that airplane. It was a long program – six months – and there were days he wasn't sure he could get through it.

He'd made it though. Painfully, frustratingly, inch by inch, he'd explored everything that led him to want to obliterate his memories with a bottle of whiskey. He'd learned coping techniques and forced himself to reach deep to uncover the pain he'd lived with all those years in Natchez. The pain that had brought him to this place, where he was trying to recover from feeling like he was worthless. By the time he walked out the door and saw Cole waiting for him, he'd felt as ready as he'd ever been to move forward.

He'd been back in Nashville now as long as he'd been gone. When he got back to town, he heard that Rayna had a baby, a little girl. It had hurt so bad when he'd found out. They'd talked, years ago, about having a family one day, and he knew she wanted to be a mama. But it hurt that she'd done it with someone else. He had wanted a drink that day. He hadn't been sober so long that he didn't remember how it felt to make all the pain go away with a few drags on that bottle of brown liquid. He still remembered how it felt going down – sharp at first, burning going down, but then a nice, comforting warmth would flow through him. By the time half the bottle was gone, the pain would be mostly gone too. He'd wanted that so bad.

He'd gone to a meeting instead. He'd talked about how much he wanted to take that drink. He'd talked about how hard it was to come back to Nashville and face everything he'd left behind. He'd talked about how this was his fifth try at this sobriety thing and, he knew, if he didn't get it right this time, he wouldn't make it. He had no idea how he was actually going to do this, but he knew he had to do it a day at a time, an hour at a time, every minute of every day.

He almost hadn't come back to Nashville at all. He'd seriously thought about going someplace else, starting over. He'd talked about it a lot during rehab. In the end, though, he thought all that would be was a way to run away from everything, just like he always had. He'd decided he had to go back and face all the demons he'd left there and overcome them. So he'd come home.

At first everything was hard. Even though Rayna had moved out and taken everything she'd brought with her long ago, it still felt like she was there, in every room, every corner. It had taken a long time to be able to sleep all night in the bed they'd shared. But he'd kept at it, remembering to take things one day at a time. He'd finally gone to Watty to help him find some work and now he worked regularly as a session musician. It wasn't the same as being a touring musician, but between that and the royalties he still got from the songs he and Rayna had written together, he was more than comfortable. But he hoped to catch on with someone, soon, and get back on stage again.

He'd heard through the grapevine that Rayna was going back out on the road. Her daughter was six months old and apparently she was ready. Although he knew there was no way they could work together again, he found himself sad to think about not being part of that. Her album had gone platinum and she was really taking off as an artist. They'd worked so hard for this and he hated that he'd screwed everything up so badly that he couldn't be a part of it.

He took a deep breath, trying to stop thinking about her. But she was everywhere. Almost without thinking, his fingers started to find a melody and words came to him. He reached for his notebook and started to write.

 _Her hat is hanging by the door / The one she bought in Mexico / It blocked the wind / It stopped the rain / She'd never leave that one / So, she can't be really gone…._

* * *

He never really thought she wouldn't be part of his life. But she'd pushed him aside firmly and without looking back. She'd moved on with her life, finding someone who could give her what she'd always wanted – a family and a safe place to call home. He knew he hadn't been able to provide that for her, couldn't provide that for her. It wasn't for lack of wanting to, but his demons had been vicious and had run deep. It had taken everything he had to fight back this last time, knowing it might be the last opportunity he had.

When Coleman had picked him up and brought him back to Nashville, he'd told him he needed to make a life without Rayna Jaymes in it. _You can't go back to that, Deacon. Think about every time you went back and she held you up as long as she could. I know you loved her – love her – but the two of you can't do this together. You gotta do this for yourself, on your own._

Cole had been right, he knew that deep down inside. But he was still doing this for Rayna, to show her he could. Even if he never got her back, he wanted her to know he could do this and be the man she knew he could be. The odds were against the two of them, but he would move forward and he resolved to make this work. For her.

 _ **I've used this song before, but it still feels right – "Can't Be Really Gone" by Tim McGraw.**_


	2. Everything Has Changed

Rayna had hardly slept the night before her first day back in rehearsal. As much as she'd loved having the time with Maddie, she was ready to get back to work. More than ready. She'd just started working on her album when she'd found out she was pregnant, which had forced her to postpone touring to support it. She'd been afraid the album wouldn't sell well without the tour support, but it had gone platinum. She'd even called Maddie her "platinum baby", believing in her own way her daughter had contributed to it. She'd had to revamp almost the entire track list, with Deacon out of the picture, and had even written a few songs herself. She'd been pleased with how it turned out and now she was ready to share it with her fans on tour.

This would also be her first tour where she was being booked into arenas. Half the dates were going to be in these step-up venues. She was excited at the prospect of performing in front of fifteen to twenty thousand fans a night. It was also a little bit of a scary proposition, as the label was banking on her ability to sell out those venues. It would also be her first tour without Deacon and that left her feeling a little sad. For most of her career, he'd been there beside her, and that had given her a lot of confidence.

She'd used session guitarists during the recording of the album and used other back-up singers. But now she had to have someone she could tour with, someone who would mesh with her and who she'd feel comfortable out on stage with. Most people didn't realize how important those relationships were, even for solo artists. Having the right mix and the right chemistry was key to being successful. Deacon had been a perfect partner, not just because he'd been her partner in real life, but because he made her better in the studio and on stage. She'd always said Deacon and the music were the same. And they were. It was all wrapped up in the whole package for her and now she would be testing her ability to move forward. She'd certainly done that in her personal life, but now she had to make it work in her professional life as well.

Today would be a new beginning. A new lead guitar player, a new direction, a new start. She'd upended everything else in her life, so now it was time for her career to move to a new place. She was ready.

* * *

Rayna was putting Maddie back into her car seat after rehearsal. It had been tougher than she'd thought it would be, getting back into the performing groove. It had been well over a year since she'd performed on stage. And then getting used to a new guitar player. Well, _three_ new guitar players. Over the three weeks they'd been in rehearsal, she'd fired one, another one quit and now she was on her third. It had been stressful, but she needed this to be perfect. She needed someone who could perform at _her_ standards. This was her career, after all, and she had the right to want the best.

She was worried about the latest guy. Sam. He was good, came well-recommended, but he couldn't seem to follow her lead. She'd tried to be patient, because she knew that wasn't her strong suit, but she was getting stressed out about it. She didn't really understand what was so difficult. She'd been very specific about what she needed. How close he needed to be to her, how he needed to pay attention to what she was doing so he'd know how to change things up on the fly, if needed. She wasn't asking him to be Deacon, but she needed him to connect with her. She sighed as she fastened the strap over Maddie, who cooed at her, little spit bubbles coming out of her mouth.

Rayna wiped the baby's mouth and smiled at her. "Hey, there, sweet girl," she said, in a sing song voice. "You ready for mama to take you home? You ready to see daddy, precious girl?" Maddie squealed and waved her tiny arms and legs. Bucky cleared his throat behind her and she straightened up and turned to face him. She didn't like the look on his face. "What?" she said, with a frown.

He sighed. "So Sam just quit," he said, sounding frustrated.

She stood there with her hands on her hips. "Are you kidding me?" She rolled her eyes. "Why?"

Bucky shook his head. "He said you have unrealistic expectations," he said, with a smirk.

Rayna frowned. "I just want it to be perfect," she said, loudly. "Is that so wrong?"

Bucky tensed his jaw. "Good can be good enough," he said, knowing she wouldn't like that.

"No, Buck, good _isn't_ good enough," she said tersely. Then she sighed. "So now what? We're three weeks away from starting this tour and I don't have a lead guitar player. What do we do now?"

Bucky took a deep breath. "There is a fix," he said, looking at her apprehensively.

Rayna looked at him evenly. She knew who he was referring to. "No," she said, shaking her head.

"Rayna, it might be our only option. We don't have a lot of time to get someone up to speed." He gave her a crooked smile. "And he is available."

"I can't do that, Buck, you know that," she said, still shaking her head. "Teddy would have a fit. And, well, it just wouldn't work. We can't work together and that be all it is."

"Why not, Rayna? I mean, you're happily married, you have a baby. So you used to be in a relationship. It doesn't mean you can't work together."

Rayna paced around the room, waving her arms in the air. "It's more than just that we used to be in a relationship, Bucky. You know that. It was so much more than that. It's too, I don't know, too volatile, or something. I don't think it would work. I don't even think he'd consider it." She could feel her hands shaking, her insides quivering. She couldn't possibly work that close with Deacon again, not after everything, not after Maddie. It was one thing to know Maddie was Deacon's daughter, it was another for him to be around all the time. She'd promised Teddy not to tell Deacon, but if he was that close to her every day, well, she just wasn't at all sure she could do that.

"Rayna, I think you can do it. You're the most professional artist I know. And I also know you want to have the best around you." He paused. "Deacon _is_ the best. And you know that. And he knows you and how to work with you. Just set the boundaries, if you feel like you need to. But this is your career and we can't keep going on like this, with a rotating lead guitar situation. We're really out of time."

Rayna looked at her manager. She knew he was right, she couldn't keep doing this. She wasn't at all sure she could handle Deacon being in her band again though. She wasn't sure _Deacon_ could handle it. He was still in that place where his recovery was so tentative. She kept hearing Coleman's voice in her head. _You need to cut ties with him, Rayna, once and for all. If you don't, he won't ever get better. You need to stay out of his life and let him get this right._ She closed her eyes and turned away. She could feel tears burning behind her eyes. She wasn't at all sure they could make this work.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon was shocked to get the call from Bucky. "Are you sure?" he'd asked. "I mean, she said you could call me?"

"Yeah, she did. Are you available?"

He was still a little stunned. "Um, yeah," he said finally. This was what he wanted, a regular gig, but he never expected it would be with Rayna. Could it mean there was trouble with Teddy? He couldn't imagine her reaching out to him otherwise.

"Well, Rayna would like for you to come by tomorrow, to Sound Check, so y'all can talk about the details." He paused. "I need to make sure you understand that things would be different, Deacon. If y'all work this out."

He felt his heart sink. "Sure, Buck. I get that," he said. "When tomorrow?"

"Come by about two. We're in the main rehearsal hall."

"I'll be there." When he hung up, he just sat, running his hands over his face. This was a call he'd never expected to get. He wondered why she'd reached out to him. Despite what Bucky said about things being different, he wondered if they really would be. His heart yearned for Rayna. He wanted to be able to show her he'd figured out how to fix this thing. That he could be the man she wanted him to be.

* * *

He felt anxious when he drove into the parking lot at Sound Check. He sat in his truck for a few minutes trying to calm his nerves. He breathed in and then breathed out in a whoosh. He got out of the truck and headed for the building. He hadn't been here in a while either. This was always where they rehearsed, but he hadn't been back here since Rayna had fired him from her band, back at the end of her last tour. Before Teddy, before her baby.

He wondered what she would be like. Would she be different? Look different? He supposed that Teddy was a lot more like what she was used to, growing up in Belle Meade. He probably wore suits to work and kept his hair trimmed neatly and was clean shaven. He probably didn't drink much, if he drank at all, and he certainly wouldn't get drunk. He wondered if Teddy was a good husband or if she'd just married him to get away from their life together. He scowled as he thought about it.

Coleman had warned him not to do this. Told him this was exactly what he didn't need to do right now. _Deacon, she's poison to you. You know that. Why do this to yourself? Why put yourself in exactly the situation you've been trying to avoid? I know you're not over her. And if you are around her every day, with her not returning those feelings, how's that going to work?_

He clenched his jaw as he thought about that. He understood what Cole was trying to do, but he thought there was a chance he was wrong about this. And even if he wasn't, he was sure he could handle it. He felt strong enough to handle it.

As he walked down the hall, he felt his steps get slower, more deliberate. His heart was beating out of his chest. He was trying not to have any expectations, but this was Rayna. _Ray._ He felt like he couldn't breathe as he reached the door of the rehearsal hall. He stood still and put his hand on the door knob. He closed his eyes and breathed in, then out. And then he pulled the door open.

* * *

Rayna still took his breath away. She somehow looked even more beautiful, if that was possible. Then he realized that it was because she looked rested and at peace. He couldn't remember the last time she'd looked like that when they were together. She'd always looked stressed or frantic or weary or angry, never rested or at peace.

He knew it had been a while since she'd had her baby, but she looked great. Her jeans hugged her long, lean legs, just like always. She had on an old Ryman t-shirt he remembered and a broken in pair of boots. Her hair was longer than he remembered, floating past her shoulders. She looked younger. He supposed that was because she no longer had to worry about him.

He felt like his chest was going to explode. He could hardly breathe. He couldn't believe he was actually standing here, with her. He'd thought about this moment – seeing her again – the whole time he was in rehab. Even though he'd known she'd gotten married and had a baby, somehow he kept imagining that she'd be waiting for him. Looking at her now made him feel like a knife had been stuck in his gut. He'd missed her and wanted her so much, but he couldn't have her. He took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

She smiled, a little hesitantly. "Hey," she said, in that voice he heard in his dreams, all sweet and sexy.

He smiled back at her. "Hey, Ray," he said. "Thanks for calling. Or, I guess, having Bucky call."

She looked away for a moment, then back, nodding. "Thanks for coming by." She took a deep breath and then turned slightly, gesturing towards a table set up just below the stage. "Let's sit down."

They walked over and sat, on opposite sides of the table. Rayna looked at her hands, clenched in front of her. He noticed the large diamond ring and the wedding band on her left hand and he felt a little sick to his stomach. "How you been, Ray?" he asked, his voice soft.

She looked up. "Good," she said. "Really good." She bit down lightly on her bottom lip. "How about you?"

He sat back in his chair, his arms stretched out on the table in front of him. He wanted so badly to reach for her hands, but he knew he couldn't. "Me too." He gave her a lopsided smile. "Thirteen months sober. Well, in less than a week, it'll be that."

She seemed to relax a little then, giving him a smile that had some warmth to it. "I'm so glad, Deacon. I really am." She sat forward just a bit. "I'm so proud of you."

The silence stretched out between them. They'd never had problems talking to each other before, but everything was different now and he didn't know how that was going to work. He cleared his throat and sat up. "So Bucky said you need a lead guitar player," he said.

She looked down, then back up at him, and nodded. "Yeah, I do." She took a deep breath. "I don't know if it would be the right thing to have you come back, Deacon. I just want to be honest. There's been so much between us. And it might not be for good. But I need someone, right now, and you know me and how I like to perform, but…" She looked away, but not before he thought he caught the hint of tears in her eyes. "A lot would have to change," she said quietly.

He swallowed over a lump in his throat. "I get it, Ray, I do," he said. "Whatever you need me to do, I'll do it." His heart hurt so bad, sitting this close to her and knowing he couldn't have her. That she probably didn't really want him anymore. He knew she was doing this because she was in a bind. "Anything you want," he said. "I can make it work. I promise."

She looked at him then with an expression he couldn't quite read, but he knew he'd made hundreds of promises to her, maybe thousands, most of which he hadn't been able to keep. So he knew that he'd have to work hard to prove himself to her. She cleared her throat. "I'm not doing the real personal stuff we wrote together. You know, the obvious…love songs." He nodded. "I don't think we can write together, for now anyway. I need you to be here, every day, on time, for rehearsals, for sound checks, for performances." She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Ain't a problem, Rayna," he said. "I'm sober. I'll stay that way."

She breathed in. "I'll want you to go to meetings regularly when we're touring."

"I go to a meeting every day," he said, interrupting her. "I'll keep doing that."

She nodded. "Good." She clenched and unclenched her hands. He saw tension in her face. "I need to be able to rely on you, like before, for arrangements and stuff, and we'll need to be able to work together…professionally," she said. "And that's all it can be, Deacon." Her face softened a little. "I'm married now. And a mama. And that's the most important thing to me. You and me, we're just working together. Do you understand that?"

He nodded. "I do. I get it." He felt a dampness in his eyes he didn't want her to see, so he looked down. "You don't have to worry."

She was silent for a few moments. "Did you bring your guitar?" He looked up at her and nodded. She breathed out. "Why don't you go get it? We've only got three weeks before the tour starts and you have a lot to catch up on. Our set list is a lot of new stuff and I need you to get familiar with it and start thinking about arrangements."

He nodded. "Thank you, Rayna," he said. "I promise you won't be sorry."

She gave him a measured look, then nodded. "I hope not," she said.

* * *

Rehearsal went surprisingly well. Rayna had added quite a few songs Deacon wasn't familiar with, but he was confident he'd be ready by the time the tour buses pulled out in three weeks. He stuffed music sheets into his messenger bag to take home. He was comfortable with the stuff they'd done together. He felt a little sad that she wasn't doing some of their love songs anymore, but he understood. Especially now, with him back in her band. It would be awkward, for both of them.

He put his guitar in its case and closed it. He slid his messenger bag over his shoulder and picked up his guitar to leave. "Thanks, Deacon," came Rayna's voice behind him. "For doing this."

He put his things down and turned to face her. "Thank you for asking me, Rayna," he said, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets. "I'm guessing I was the last person on your list."

She fidgeted with her hands and looked down a second, then back up at him. "I'll be honest. I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do," she said. "It brings up, you know, a lot of stuff. Old stuff. Bad stuff." She raised her eyebrows. "I don't want to be wrong about this, Deacon. I went out on a limb for you. I can't have you mess this up."

He wondered, then, what she'd told Teddy about doing this. And what he might have said about it. He couldn't imagine Teddy was happy about it. "I know, Rayna," he said. "I don't wanna let you down."

She nodded, still fidgeting with her hands. "You can't, Deacon. You just can't." She bit her lip. "And I need you to respect the boundaries." He nodded. "I went out on a limb for you," she said again. Then he knew, that she'd had to fight Teddy for him. He fought the smile that wanted to play over his face, just breathing in deeply. "So, well, I need to get home. To Maddie."

He smiled at her, a little shyly. "Your little girl?" Rayna nodded. "I hope I get to meet her soon." He saw something in her eyes, then, that he didn't understand. And then it was gone.

"You probably will. I usually bring her with me, but, you know, she wasn't feeling good today, so Teddy stayed home with her." She took a couple steps back then. "I'll see you tomorrow, then," she said.

He nodded. "Yeah. Tomorrow." He watched as she turned and walked out without a look back or any hesitation in her footsteps. A warm feeling ran through him as he thought about the fact that she wanted him. Even if it was just as her guitar player, he was glad she was letting him back into her life. But his heart ached as he watched her leave, to go home to her husband and baby daughter. It hurt that she wasn't leaving to go home with him and that she might never do that again.

He sighed then and turned back to pick up his messenger bag and guitar case again. He looked around the rehearsal hall, glad to be doing this again, glad to have a steady job and be able to do what he loved. And be with the woman he loved, even if he never got the chance again to tell her that.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna nearly dropped the keys, her hands were shaking so badly, as she unlocked her car. She got in, closed the door and breathed in and out slowly. Her heart was racing, butterflies were fluttering through her stomach. She had not been at all sure bringing Deacon back into her band would be a good thing. He certainly had not lost his touch as far as understanding her and what she needed, professionally speaking. But she had underestimated just how much having him around would affect her heart. Teddy had warned her, the day before, when she'd told him her plan. Actually he'd more than warned her, he'd blown up at her.

 _She was sitting at the kitchen table when Teddy came home from work. He walked in and kissed her on the cheek as he headed for the refrigerator. "How was your day?" he asked, as he pulled out the tea pitcher and then got a glass from the cabinet._

 _She watched him pour his tea and waited for him to sit down. "It wasn't the best of days," she said._

 _He frowned a little. "What happened?"_

 _She smiled at him a little. She knew he didn't really understand her career, although he tried to be supportive. He hadn't been thrilled with her decision to go back to work so soon after Maddie had been born, but he'd put that aside when he'd realized how much it meant to her. "I lost another lead guitar player today," she said. "He said my expectations were too high."_

 _Teddy's jaw clenched. "Surely there are other guitar players around," he said._

 _She nodded. "There are. But we're so close to the tour starting. I don't have a lot of time to try to break in someone new and get them accustomed to how I like to perform. It's a tricky thing, babe, trying to find the right chemistry and all that." She looked at him carefully._

 _She could see the twitch in his cheek. His eyes narrowed a bit. "Please don't tell me you're thinking about hiring Deacon Claybourne," he said, his voice low._

 _She swallowed hard. "Babe, he's the best. Plus he_ _knows_ _me. On stage. I'll be very clear on the boundaries…."_

" _I don't want him around Maddie," he said, his voice tinged with anger._

 _She made a face. "Don't be absurd, Teddy. He has no idea Maddie is his."_

 _Teddy's face got red. "Maddie is_ _mine_ _, Rayna. But there's no reason for him to be around her. I don't want someone like that around my daughter."_

 _She frowned at him. "Teddy, he's been sober for a year…."_

 _Teddy looked at her incredulously. "Rayna, hasn't he managed to stay sober that long before? And then still fallen off the wagon? Have you forgotten how he destroyed you? How hard your life was?"_

 _She looked down at her hands. That was true. He'd managed to stay sober a little over a year the first time. He always tried hard. Even when he faltered, he'd work hard to get back on track. It was one of the reasons it was so hard to leave him. He was sincere in his attempts to stay sober, every time. But it was a sickness and it was hard, for him and for her. She sighed. "I think it's different this time, Teddy. I'm not available. He has to do this on his own. I know he doesn't want to be a drunk…."_

 _Teddy laughed sarcastically. "I don't think anyone_ _wants_ _to be a drunk, Rayna. But he is. And he has a history of not being able to make it work. And let's forget about Maddie for a minute, but how can you ever trust him? He'll just blow things up all over again." He shook his head. "I'm going to tell you this is a very bad idea, Rayna." He breathed out. "No, actually I'm going to tell you not to do this. It's too risky."_

 _She glared at him. "_ _I'm_ _the one taking the risk, Teddy. It's_ _my_ _career."_

" _I'm not talking about your career, Rayna, you can do whatever the hell you want about that. I'm talking about Maddie. If you're this close to him, I'm not sure I can trust you to keep our agreement."_

 _She stood up and walked away from him. Before she left the room, she turned back. "I would never do anything to hurt our daughter," she said, through clenched teeth, her eyes flashing. "You know that. And I will never do anything to harm your relationship with her. But you're just going to have to trust me that I will honor our agreement."_

 _Teddy shook his head, a sarcastic smile on his face. "I'll be watching, Rayna." He stood up as well, pointing his finger at her. "If you do this, you're doing it against my wishes. I don't want him around my daughter. Just remember, Rayna, you agreed to this. You asked for my help. Don't think I wouldn't tell him your part in this if you ever cross me on that." He walked over to her and took her arm, not gently but firmly. "Promise me, Rayna. Promise me you won't ever tell Deacon about Maddie."_

 _She didn't like him threatening her. But she could also think of no way she could tell Deacon without it blowing up in her face. She pulled her arm away from Teddy. "You don't have to worry, Teddy," she said evenly. "I told you I wouldn't do anything to harm your relationship with Maddie, and I meant that. Now you'll just have to trust me." And then she turned and walked away from him, down the hall to Maddie's nursery._

She _had_ told him the truth – she wouldn't say anything to Deacon. It was also true that she had no idea how she would even begin to blow up everyone's lives like that anyway. In reality, the moment she'd made that agreement with Teddy, back when she'd first found out she was pregnant, she'd known that it would be a very long time – if ever – before she could ever tell Deacon he had a daughter. And that meant she had to let him go, just like Coleman had told her she needed to. But now he was back, and they were stepping back into what used to be, in a way. She wasn't sure how this would go, if she could stay strong enough.

She stood in the doorway to Maddie's room, Teddy's words still echoing in her head, and once again, like she did nearly every day, she cried.


	3. Don't Think I Don't Think About It

Rayna put her mic back on the stand and turned around to face her band. She had a big smile on her face. "That was awesome, y'all," she said. She let out a deep breath. "We leave tomorrow, headed for Charlotte, North Carolina. It's been a long time for me and I am really ready to get back out there on the road. Thank y'all for hanging in there and waiting for me." She turned slightly to nod at Deacon. "And thanks to Deacon for coming back when we needed him." She breathed in, just taking in the moment, and then smiled again. "Great rehearsal! I'll see y'all tomorrow to get on the buses!" She clapped and the rest of the band joined in.

As they dispersed, she hesitated just a moment. She bit her lip lightly, then said, "Deacon? Can I talk to you a sec?"

He'd been putting his guitar away and he turned back to face her. "Sure. What's up?"

She watched as the rest of the band picked up their things and started to head out. Deacon had taken a couple steps towards her, but then stopped and looked at everyone leaving. When everyone was gone, he turned back at her with a puzzled look on his face. "I, well, I just wanted to let you know, um, you know, that I appreciate you stepping in like this," she said, her face getting a little red.

He nodded. "No problem, Rayna. Thank you for the opportunity."

She swallowed. "I know I said a lot of hurtful things to you, back then," she said, and then she looked away for a moment.

He took another couple steps closer. "It's okay, Ray. I get it," he said, his voice quiet.

She looked back at him. "I told Bucky this wouldn't work, that we couldn't do this." She gave him a tiny smile. "But so far, it has. And I appreciate you being respectful, um, of the boundaries."

He didn't say anything, just nodded.

She was very conscious of the fact that her knees were shaking just a little, that her stomach was quivering a little with butterflies, the way she always felt when he was around these days. Teddy had made her get a babysitter for Maddie while she was at rehearsal, but she'd brought her today. Maddie was going on tour with her and there just wasn't any way for her to avoid Deacon seeing her. She had wondered if he might have thought Maddie was his, but he hadn't given any indication of that, so she'd decided to take a chance. "So," she said finally. "I brought Maddie today. Would you like to meet her?"

He looked a little surprised, then his face softened with a little smile. "I'd love to," he said.

As they walked off the rehearsal stage, she was conscious of him following her, not exactly beside her, but just off her right side. She could hardly breathe as she considered the potential consequences. _What if he notices she's got his hair? What if he sees how much she looks like him? What if he figures out that somehow we were together at the right time?_ She felt like she was going to throw up and took a deep breath. She felt her palms sweating and she rubbed them on her jeans.

When they got to the door of the office, she stopped and turned to him. "She might be sleeping, so…." She held a finger up to her lips and he nodded. "And her babysitter is with her." She turned back to the door and opened it slowly. Deacon followed her in as she walked over to the pack-and-play. Mia looked up as they walked in. "Mia, this is Deacon Claybourne," she said, glancing over at him. "He's in my band, and…an old friend."

"Hi," Mia said, shyly. Deacon just nodded in her direction before turning back to look at Rayna.

Rayna leaned over and saw that Maddie was awake. "Hey, sweet girl," she cooed. Maddie smiled and kicked her legs. Rayna picked her up and held her on her hip, turning to face Deacon. She swallowed hard, but she felt like she had a lump in her throat. "Deacon, this is Maddie," she said, her voice cracking just a little.

Maddie stared at Deacon, her little face solemn, in that way that Deacon's was when he was considering something. She had the faintest little furrow between her almost non-existent brows, just like Deacon, her tiny fingers in her mouth. Rayna prayed he wouldn't see those things. She watched him as he looked at Maddie, waiting for him to say something. After what seemed liked hours, but was probably just seconds, he smiled just a little, his eyes crinkling. "She's beautiful, Rayna," he almost whispered. "I can see you in her."

She took a deep breath. "I actually think she looks like her father," she said. _If only he knew._

The smile left his face. "I guess," he said as he looked back at her. "She's got your eyes though." He took a step closer and focused back on Maddie. "Hey, Maddie," he said, with a genuine smile. "I'm Deacon."

Surprisingly Maddie reached out her hand out towards him. Rayna's eyes widened. "Usually she's afraid of new people," she said. Maddie made a little noise as she continued to reach out towards Deacon. "Would you like to hold her?" she asked.

Deacon worked his lip a minute, then nodded. "Okay," he said. Rayna took the couple steps towards him and handed Maddie to him. He fitted her bottom into the crook of his arm and then moved his other hand to steady her. She looked up at him solemnly for a moment, as he looked down at her.

Rayna felt like her heart had stopped beating. Seeing Deacon hold his daughter for the first time nearly tore her in two. She wanted to tell him so badly and hated that she could not. She just watched as the two of them looked at each other and then, suddenly, Maddie made another noise and actually smiled at Deacon. She couldn't keep the tears from clouding her eyes. Deacon looked at her and she smiled. "I think she likes you," she choked out, trying to blink the tears away.

He grinned. "That's a good thing, right?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, it's a very good thing."

* * *

As Rayna drove home, she listened to Maddie making little noises in the back seat. Although she had been nervous about Deacon being around her daughter, she'd been relieved at how well it had gone. He hadn't acted as though anything were out of the ordinary and she knew, if he had, he'd have said something. Maddie had seemed entranced by him, almost as though she knew there was a biological connection.

She knew Teddy would be angry when she told him – and she would tell him – but it was going to be a fact of life once they went out on tour. Of course, his reaction would be that she shouldn't have hired Deacon in the first place, something he'd said in some manner every day since she'd done it. But she couldn't ignore him. And she did need him, that much she knew now. As anxious as she'd been about bringing him back to her band, it had given her a sense of comfort to have him there.

They were still feeling their way with each other. It wasn't the same as it was before and she avoided spending much time with him alone. She also avoided looking him in the eye for long, because she could see everything he felt there, and she knew he still loved her. She didn't want to still love him, but the minute she'd seen him, she'd known that was a lost cause, and so she worried that he could see that in her own eyes. Even if there had been no Maddie, her heart was still entwined with his and she wasn't sure exactly how to get past that. She loved Teddy – truly she did – but Deacon was in her blood.

 _After Deacon had given Maddie back to her and walked out, almost abruptly, she'd struggled to regain her composure. She had paced the room, holding her daughter against her chest. She felt the tears she'd held in as she'd watched Deacon hold their daughter slide down her cheeks now. She never forgot, every time she held Maddie or watched her, that she and Deacon had made her. She closed her eyes, squeezed them shut, and thought, once again, about how much she wished she and Deacon could have made a home and a family for their daughter. She knew that no matter how good a father Teddy was and how attentive he was and how well he provided for them, it would never be the dream she'd had for eleven years. That dream that she and Deacon would make a life together, loving each other and their family, making music, forever._

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon drove into the Sound Check parking lot like he had every day for the last two and a half weeks. He got out of his truck and pulled out his guitar case and messenger bag and then locked up, heading into the building for rehearsal. On this day, like every day for the last two and a half weeks, it had felt a little like déjà vu, and then he'd remember he wasn't with Rayna anymore. At least not with her in the romantic sense. They were coworkers or, more accurately, she was his boss. She'd been the boss for a while, of course, at least professionally, ever since the subtle shift they'd made some seven years ago or so to her being a solo artist.

That had been tough, in the beginning. Even though they'd both been on their own when they met, they'd become more of a duo when they started performing together. The songs they wrote were for them to sing together and he always stood beside her on stage. But when they started getting some notice by smaller labels in town, the A&R guys were just interested in her. In some ways he understood that – she definitely had star power – but it also had to do with sex appeal, something that got under his skin.

To be fair, it had been tough on both of them. She had resisted, at first, but the reality was that she was the one they wanted to give a record deal to. They both made peace with that, but it had taken him longer. He hadn't told her that, of course, because he supported her completely. He'd recorded an album of his own then, but it had gone nowhere. Eventually he'd come to terms with it and they had continued to write and perform together, even though he was her bandleader rather than a duo partner. They still wrote songs for themselves to sing, however, and it was always obvious how close to the heart they wrote.

He wasn't sure, though, how long it would take to get used to this new normal. Or _if_ he could get used to it. Rayna was skittish around him, not at all comfortable. Not that he was either. He couldn't get used to seeing that ring on her finger, or knowing she was a mama. It all seemed wrong somehow. When he stood behind her on stage, though, he could pretend nothing had changed. She seemed a little more relaxed around him then and it seemed more like what he remembered.

Watching her leave each night, that was what killed him. He wondered if he'd ever get used to her going home to someone else, having a life and a home with somebody who wasn't him.

* * *

He was a little nervous about how things would be on the tour. They were leaving the next day. It was one thing to come to rehearsal each day, it would be another to be out on the road. He would be in a different bus, of course, so not around her all the time, but she'd be out there without her husband. It was common for her to mingle with the band on tour and he wondered if that would be different. He thought it probably would, since she'd be bringing her baby with her.

 _Maddie._ He hadn't seen her yet. Rayna hadn't brought her to rehearsals. He didn't know why, but every time he thought about Rayna and her baby girl it made his heart hurt and he felt like crying. He supposed it was that he always thought they would do that together. They'd talked about marriage and a family many times, but it had never happened. He knew it was because of his drinking. She didn't want to have a family until he could get that under control. He had thought she'd always wait for him, but she hadn't, and she'd gone on to do those things with someone else. He felt an odd mix of sadness and anger, when he considered that.

He tried not to dwell too much on things he couldn't change. It had felt good being back in her band, working with people he was comfortable with. He was still going to meetings every day. He needed that more than ever now, because being around her was hard. He was also glad to be back because he enjoyed making music with her. There was no one he'd rather make music with, that was still true. But he went home every day fighting his desire to drink. He missed her. He still loved her, that was still true.

He was packing up his guitar when she called out to him. "Deacon? Can I talk to you a sec?"

That was nothing new. They talked enough, but it was always about the set list or an arrangement or where he stood on the stage relative to her. They hadn't talked about anything else, really, since the day she'd hired him. And she always made sure the two of them weren't alone with each other. He turned back towards her. "Sure. What's up?"

He'd been surprised when she told him she'd brought Maddie with her and that she wanted him to meet her. He hadn't had a lot of experience with babies, just Scarlett when she'd been tiny. But Maddie seemed to gravitate to him, something that had both warmed his heart and squeezed it at the same time. Rayna said she looked like Teddy, but he thought she looked like her mama. She had Teddy's hair color, true, but she had Rayna's eyes. And that determined look on her face, just like Rayna. He'd found it hard to breathe, as he thought about how it could have been them doing this, raising this little girl together.

 _Maddie felt comfortable in his arms. She looked up at him and then she smiled, a little bubble of drool sliding down her chin. He ran his fingers lightly over her arm as he held her. He looked at Rayna and thought she looked like she was going to cry._

" _I think she likes you," she said, her voice catching, her smile tremulous._

 _He took a deep breath. "That's a good thing, right?" he asked, forcing a smile on his face._

 _She nodded. "Yeah, it's a very good thing."_

 _He bit down on his lip and then looked back at Maddie, who was still smiling up at him. He looked again at Rayna. "Are you happy, Ray?" he asked, suddenly really wanting to know. Needing to know._

 _She looked a little puzzled, then smiled, a little sadly he thought. "Yeah," she said, a tinge of regret in her voice, it sounded like to him. "I am happy." She took a deep breath. "I hope you will be too, Deacon."_

 _He nodded. His heart hurt. He looked back at Maddie again and then he gave her back to Rayna. "She's a lucky girl," he said. "To have you for her mama." He took a couple steps back. "I'll see you tomorrow." And then he turned and walked out the door, the tears rimming his eyes._

* * *

He sat in his truck in front of his house. He took a few deep breaths, trying to quiet his racing heart. He looked up at the little stone bungalow. It had been their house once. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the seat. He had a hard time remembering a lot of things that happened towards the end, but he did remember coming home after checking himself out of rehab the fourth time. When he walked in the house, it had felt empty, although there was still furniture in it. But as he walked around he realized all of her things were gone. Her clothes were gone from the closet and the chest in the bedroom. Her makeup and shampoo and toiletries were gone from the bathroom. The tea set she'd put in the little dining room. The guitar her mama had given her. All gone.

He'd left the house, angry and hurt. He'd driven to the cabin, where he still had a stash of whiskey. And when he'd come to, he'd been in the middle of a disaster, both physical and mental. He'd trashed the cabin, but more than that, he'd trashed his life. He hadn't wanted to go to rehab the fifth time, but he'd done it for her. He'd done the work and struggled to find a way to make this time successful. But he was doing it for her. She'd always been in his thoughts. Hers was the face he saw whenever he felt like he couldn't go on. And while he hadn't necessarily expected her to be there the day he got out, he hadn't really been prepared for the fact that she'd gotten married and had a baby.

His memories were jumbled back then, and still were, so he couldn't account for the timing of all that, and he wasn't sure he had any of the events in the right order. He knew she'd started dating Teddy after she'd broken up with him, but he hadn't thought it was serious, since she still hadn't taken everything out of the house then. In fact, he thought she was doing it to show him she could move on. He knew, from the date, that she'd gotten married before he went to rehab the last time, but he couldn't remember if he'd known that then. When Cole told him she'd had her baby just a few days before he'd gotten out of rehab, he'd tried counting back to when she would have gotten pregnant. But he knew he couldn't have been the father. It had been too long since they'd been together, but he also knew she'd never not tell him. It still hurt that she'd turned to someone else. That she'd let someone else give her that family life she'd always wanted.

He opened his eyes and looked back at the house. He couldn't go in there right then. He started his truck and pulled away from the curb, heading down the street.

* * *

The meeting was almost over when Cole slipped in and sat down beside him. Deacon turned and gave him a quick nod. Cole gave him a quick pat on the knee and sat back in his chair. Deacon breathed in deeply, grateful that his sponsor had gotten his message. After he'd sat outside the old bar where he used to drink until he passed out, for over an hour, he'd gone to a pay phone and called Cole. He got his sponsor's answering machine and left a message as to where he'd be, hoping he'd get it and make it in time.

When the meeting was over, Cole looked over at him. "Glad you called," he said, then gave him a lopsided smile. "You really need to get a cell phone though."

Deacon frowned. "I don't need no fancy gadgets. Land line works just fine."

Cole breathed in, putting both hands on his knees. "You wanna go get coffee?" he asked.

Deacon nodded. "Yeah."

* * *

Once they were settled into a booth in a non-descript diner, with coffee in hand, Cole started the conversation. "So tell me what's going on, Deacon," he asked.

Deacon worked his lip for a moment, then took a sip of his coffee, giving himself time. Finally he breathed out and said, "I went and sat in front of a bar tonight." He rubbed his face. "You were right. It's gonna be hard. It _is_ hard." He hesitated a moment. "She brought Maddie today. Kinda makes it real, you know?"

Cole nodded thoughtfully. "That would do it."

Deacon shook his head. "Look, I knew when I went back she was married and all. It ain't that I don't get that. But, you know…I thought she'd wait for me." He sighed. "I really thought she'd wait for me."

Cole rubbed his thumbs on his coffee cup. "Why did you think drinking was gonna fix that?" he asked, ignoring Deacon's comment.

Deacon shrugged. "Habit, I guess." He looked up at his sponsor. "But I didn't go in. I didn't drink. I gotta make this work."

"Don't do this for Rayna, Deacon," Cole said, a sad look in his eyes. "You gotta do this for _you_."

Deacon looked out the window. "I know." He looked back at Cole. "It ain't easy though. It ain't gonna be easy."

"Working with her is gonna make it harder, you know that. Your recovery is more important than you being in her life, Deacon."

Deacon frowned. "It ain't just about being in her life."

Cole raised his eyebrows. "Isn't it? Isn't that why you took this job?" Deacon looked away again. "I know you needed a job, Deacon, but you could have done something else. _You_ wanted this. You want to be back in her life. You want her back in _yours_. And it's just not gonna happen. She's married."

Deacon slammed the coffee mug on the table and glared at Cole. "I get it," he said, his jaw tight, his voice angry. "I know she went off and married Teddy Conrad. And had a baby. I get it. I know that's what she wanted. She just didn't want it with me." His voice trailed off, more sad than angry.

Cole sat silently for a moment. When he started talking, his voice was low. "This is for the best, Deacon, her moving on. I know it hurt, but the two of you were toxic together." He put his hand up as Deacon seemed to be ready to contradict him. "I know you loved her. She loved you too. But look at all the pain, all the hurt. And all the times you told her you were gonna do this and you couldn't." Deacon looked down at his hands, chewing on his lip. "If you're determined to do this, work with her, you gotta figure out how to do it without crossing that line. She's moved on. It's time for you to do the same."

Deacon felt a pain in his chest and he looked at Cole sadly. "She's my family, Cole. Always has been. I don't know what to do if I'm not doing this."

Cole sighed. "Is all the booze gone?" Deacon nodded. "You're sure?"

"Yeah. Y'all found it all. It's gone."

Cole reached out and patted Deacon's hand. "Stay strong. Go to your meetings. Call me when you need me. If it gets tough, come home. This is your last chance, Deke. If you can't make it this time, I don't think you're gonna make it at all."

Deacon looked at him, understanding what he meant. "I know. I'm gonna do it," he said, quietly.

* * *

When he got home, he walked through the house and out the back door. Without pausing at all, he walked straight out to the shed at the back of the property. He opened the door and headed straight for a bookcase against the back wall, pulling it back. He felt along the drywall carefully and then punched through it with his fist. His knuckles stung from the impact and he shook his hand gingerly, stretching his fingers. Then he took a deep breath and reached down behind the wall until his fingers wrapped around the neck of the whiskey bottle he'd hidden there and then drywalled over.

He pulled it out and looked at it. It was unopened. He took a deep breath and ran his tongue over his lips. He could taste it. He could feel it burn as it trailed down his throat. He could feel the warmth of it in his stomach. He swallowed hard.

He took the bottle back outside and shut the shed door. He went and sat on his back step and held the bottle, turning it around in his hands. The porch light made the caramel colored liquid look warm and inviting. He breathed in again and then he quickly twisted the cap off the bottle, breaking the seal. He held the opened bottle to his nose and breathed in. His eyes watered a little at the strong odor. He could even taste it again in his mouth, swallowing over the metallic afterburn.

Then he held the bottle out, his arm straight, turned it over, and poured it into the grass. He was surprised at the emotion he felt, getting rid of that last bottle, that last temptation, the one he'd known was still there. He knew he was still weak, but he felt strong as he watched the liquid rush out of the bottle until it was empty. Then he held the bottle between his knees and leaned back against the door, his eyes closed, just breathing in and out.

When he felt his racing heartbeat slow and felt himself begin to calm down and as the desire for a drink began to subside, he opened his eyes, stood up and tossed the empty bottle in the trash. Then he walked back into his house.

 _I got sober for Rayna. I'm gonna stay sober for Rayna._


	4. Even If It Breaks Your Heart

When Rayna pulled into the drive, she felt her stomach drop when she saw Teddy's car. She knew he would be upset that she'd taken Maddie with her. Anxiety raced through her as she opened the back door of her SUV and unfastened Maddie from the car seat. She swung the diaper bag over her shoulder and then lifted her daughter out of the seat. Maddie was gurgling and making what Rayna now knew were little happy noises. She put the baby on her hip and looked down at her daughter's precious face, smiling at the little girl in spite of the fact that she felt a little sick to her stomach. "Hey, sweet girl," she cooed, kissing her on the forehead. "Daddy's home."

She walked up to the back door of the little bungalow they'd rented in Oak Hill just before Maddie was born. They had decided to build a house just outside of Belle Meade, but that was going to take nearly a year to complete, so they were renting the cute little house in a small gated community. She would have been happy living in a place like this, but Teddy felt like they needed to have a house that suited her stature in the music industry and his anticipated status in the business community. Which had led to the grand estate he'd envisioned for them that was now under construction.

She took a deep breath and then opened the door into the kitchen. The room was empty. She felt cold fingers run up her back, but she headed for the den. Teddy was standing by the window, looking out over the back courtyard. "Hey, babe. You're home early," she said, trying to sound more casual than she felt.

He turned, his face impassive, but she could see the little twitch in his jaw. She knew that meant he was pissed. "Where have you been?" he asked, his voice icy.

She swallowed hard and then she felt herself push all her anxiety and apprehension down, into one of the little boxes she put all her emotions in, so that she could stay calm and steady. "At rehearsal, of course," she said. "Last one before the tour starts." She stood, looking at him, knowing he wanted to say his peace.

"I thought you weren't going to take Maddie," he said. "We talked about that."

She couldn't help it, she rolled her eyes. "I know we _talked about it_ , Teddy. But she was fussy when I was ready to leave and she wouldn't go to Mia. There was just no way I could leave my baby girl when she was that unhappy." She met his steely gaze.

Teddy put his hands on his hips, then shook his head with one of those incredulous half-smiles on his face. "And I suppose you let Claybourne see her," he said flatly.

The diaper bag was heavy, so she dropped it on a chair and shifted Maddie to her other hip. "Yes, I did," she said. "So what, Teddy? He's going to see her when we start the tour."

"I think she should stay in Nashville," he said.

Rayna raised her eyebrows. "You can't be serious, Teddy," she said. "We talked about that. She's a _baby_. She needs her mama. I am _not_ going to leave her at home."

"Which is why I told you to wait to go back out on the road."

She frowned. "And I told you I couldn't do that. This is my career and I _need_ to get back out on the road. We can't keep having this argument." She could see Teddy clench his jaw. It was a sore spot for him that Rayna made more money than he did. A lot more. But there was no way they could have the lifestyle they had without it.

"She's too young, Rayna."

"Mia's going with us. When I'm on stage, she'll be asleep. The rest of the time I'll be with her."

Teddy smirked. "And Claybourne," he said nastily.

Rayna made a face. "That's what this is really about, isn't it? Well, I'm sorry that Deacon's back in my band, but I didn't really have a choice."

"Of course you had a choice, Rayna! I can't believe, in this town, there aren't a hundred other guitar players you could have picked from."

She shook her head. "He's the best. And he knows me. I told you that chemistry is important."

Teddy laughed an unpleasant laugh. "Oh, yeah, chemistry. I know all about your chemistry with Deacon Claybourne."

Just then Maddie started to get fussy. Rayna scowled at Teddy. "I need to put Maddie down," she said. She picked up the diaper bag and walked back to Maddie's nursery, leaving Teddy stewing.

As she changed Maddie's diaper and got her daughter settled down for a nap, she had a chance to settle her thoughts. She didn't want to fight with her husband, not when she was getting ready to leave for six weeks. As she rocked Maddie, she thought back to earlier that afternoon, when Deacon met Maddie for the first time.

 _She wondered if he'd see the resemblance that seemed so obvious to her. She never looked into Maddie's face without seeing Deacon, but maybe that was just because she knew Maddie was Deacon's daughter. When she told Deacon Maddie looked like her father, she knew he assumed she meant Teddy. And truthfully, it was an easy mistake to make. Maddie's hair was dark, like Deacon's, but also like Teddy's. And she was still young enough that her features weren't as pronounced yet and could easily be mistaken for Teddy's. But it was some of Maddie's facial expressions that reminded her so much of Deacon. The tiny line that would form between her brows when she was frustrated. The dimple in her cheek when she grinned. Her solemnness. It seemed unmistakable to her, but clearly Deacon hadn't seen it._

 _She knew he didn't remember much from that time. When she'd thrown the ring he'd given her on the floor, he hadn't remembered giving it to her, much less asking her to marry him. He scrambled around on his hands and knees looking for it, but she was the one who ultimately found it, lying against the leg of the couch. She'd picked it up and stuck it in her pocket, forgetting about it until she'd undressed that night, finding it then. She put the ring in a tiny box that she kept hidden in her underwear drawer. It was still there._

 _As disappointing as it had been for Deacon not to have even questioned Maddie's paternity, it also gave her sense of relief. If he didn't suspect and didn't know, it wouldn't be as hard to keep that secret. As much as she wanted him to know and still felt that someday he needed to know, she already felt like the time had passed. She wasn't sure she could adequately explain to him why she'd done what she'd done. But more than that, she didn't want to be the cause of him falling off the wagon. He was making good progress this time and she sensed this time was going to be different. Her biggest fear, though, was that if he found out she hadn't told him about Maddie, he'd go off the rails. And she did not want to be responsible for that._

She laid Maddie down in her crib and covered her daughter with a light blanket, rubbing her gently on her back. She walked to the door and stood there for a moment, looking back at the crib. Then she quietly closed the door and went back to the den, to finish the conversation she needed to have with Teddy.

* * *

When Rayna walked into the den, Teddy had turned back towards the window. But she noticed that his shoulders seemed slumped, as though he were defeated. She felt sadness in her heart for being the cause of that. She walked over to him and, standing behind him, she put her hand on his arm. She felt him tense up and she rubbed her hand up and down his arm.

"I know you're scared," she said softly. "But you don't have to be. I _love_ you, Teddy." He turned around to face her and she felt sad seeing the anguish in his face. She took his hand in both of hers. "I didn't marry you because I _had_ to. Yes, you offered me a safe haven, but, babe, I married you because I _wanted_ to. I knew you would take care of us and love us and give us that life I always wanted." She smiled at him encouragingly. "You're a good husband and a good father and we're building a _family_ together. I would never do anything to harm that."

Teddy breathed in and then looked away for a moment. Rayna could see him fighting tears. Then he turned back to her. "I love you, Rayna. I love Maddie. Y'all are the best things that ever happened to me. But I know you had this complicated, intense relationship with Deacon…."

Rayna shook her head. "I made a decision, Teddy, before you and I were even dating, that I couldn't be with Deacon anymore. Nothing has changed about that."

"Even if he stays sober."

She nodded. "Even if he stays sober." She thought about that for a brief second. _Would he? Could he?_ But Deacon was complicated and messy, even without the drinking, and she didn't want that kind of life for her daughter. "It isn't just about that, though, Teddy. I have a life with you now. And our daughter. And she is _our_ daughter. _This_ is what I want. This is what I _need_."

"Are you sure?" he whispered.

She nodded, her heart hurting that he felt unsure about that. "Of course." In that moment she knew, regardless of any feelings she still had for Deacon, that she had made that commitment to Teddy and, for better or worse, she would honor that.

He took a deep breath. "But you'll be on tour together, on a bus together…."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "He won't be on the bus with me. He'll be with the rest of the band, on their bus." She looked into his eyes and could see his need. She stepped closer and put her hands on his face. "I chose _you_ , Teddy," she said. "I would still choose you." She searched his eyes with hers. "I leave tomorrow. I don't want us to fight," she said, her voice almost a whisper.

He breathed in and then he put his arms around her and pulled her close, kissing her hungrily. She let herself give in to that and kissed him back, sliding her arms around his neck, giving him what he needed from her. The reality was that she would always love Deacon, always miss what they had, but she knew this was what _she_ needed, for herself and particularly for Maddie. She would do whatever she needed to do to reassure her husband of her commitment to him.

As he continued to kiss her, he pulled her closer against him and she could feel his arousal. _He's a good man. And he loves me far more than I deserve to be loved. I need to make sure he knows how much that means to me._ She moaned a little in the back of her throat and then she let him take her hand and lead her back to their bedroom.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon pulled out his duffle bag from the closet and started to throw clothes in it. The last time he'd been out on tour had been with Rayna. Back before his fourth try at rehab. Back when he was more than just a member of her band. He stopped and sat on the bed, rubbing his face. The last time he toured with Rayna, he was welcome in her artist's suite in the back of the big black bus emblazoned with her name on the side. In fact, they rarely came out of the bedroom in those days, venturing out only to get food and drink. In those days, though, they mainly lived on love and music.

" _I think I'm done writing, babe," Rayna purred. She reached for his guitar and, pulling it gently from his hands, laid it against the wall of the tiny bedroom. She was wrapped up in the sheet, but when she turned back to him she pulled it aside, showing him her lush, full breasts. She gave him a naughty smile. "I'm ready for you to do me." He grinned at her as she sat back on her heels, her legs folded beneath her._

 _Then he reached for her, pulling her close, as she giggled. He captured her mouth with his, sliding his tongue between her lips. He had one hand around her waist, the other sliding down between her legs. She had her hands on the back of his neck, then sliding up through his hair and she kissed him hungrily as she made little moaning noises and moved her hips in concert with the movement of his fingers._

 _When he could no longer stand it, he grabbed her by the waist with both hands and flipped her onto her back on the bed, hovering over her, panting hard. She looked up at him, her eyes half-closed. Then she put her hand around him and guided him inside her. He growled with his need and his pleasure…._

He shook his head hard. He put his hands on his knees and breathed in slowly and deliberately, then breathed out. He couldn't think about that. It was over. Done. She was married to someone else and she'd be in her bus alone, not with him. He had to stop thinking about her that way. She belonged to someone else, not to him.

He pushed up from the bed and, with a look of determination on his face, finished packing.

* * *

He pulled into the Sound Check parking lot thirty minutes before the buses were scheduled to pull out for Charlotte. He had gone to a meeting before driving over. Cole had met him there to give him support. He usually didn't speak at meetings, content to sit and listen and use others' experiences to give him strength. But he'd felt like speaking today.

 _I been an alcoholic feels like my whole life. My daddy was an alcoholic, mean son of a bitch. I wasn't gonna be like him, but it's like it's in your blood. At least that's what he told me. I went to rehab four times. Failed four times. I had a woman who loved me, in spite of all that. She was always there, even in the worst of times. But after four times she had enough. Walked out. Made a new life for herself._

 _I went one more time to rehab and promised myself I'd make it work. I been sober fourteen months, two days. I think it's the longest I ever stayed sober. Even though we ain't together no more, I want her to be proud of me. I ain't just doing this for her, but I am doing it for her. I want her to know I can do this, that I can be the man she thought I could be. It don't mean I'll get her back, 'cause she's got a husband and a baby now, but I can at least show her I can do this._

 _I'm a guitar player and I finally got a steady gig, so I'm going out on the road. It's gonna be hard and there's lots of temptation out on the road, but I'm gonna do this. I used to think I had nothing to lose, but now I know I got everything to lose. So I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna make it._

 _Thank you._

It had felt good to put it out there. Cole often told him that speaking his truth out loud would help him stay on track. And he was right. He'd felt stronger after saying all that out loud. He didn't talk about Rayna by name at a meeting, but she was part of this. He thought about what she'd said when she hired him – that he had to go to meetings, that she didn't want him to mess this up. This was a test, on a lot of different levels.

Touring with Rayna would be different this time. During rehearsals she was like the old Rayna, flirty and fun, brushing against him lightly, giving him an almost-seductive look. But when the song was over, that was too. She still didn't talk to him much, unless it was about band business or set lists, and then she was careful to make sure there were other people around. She was trying very hard to enforce the boundaries and communicate to him that she was serious about them. He supposed it wasn't much different than if he were touring with, say, Faith Hill or Trisha Yearwood or Martina McBride. What was on stage was on stage and when the lights went down and the music stopped, you walked away into your different lives.

But this was Rayna. And it was not that simple. For him, he knew, and he suspected even for her. Sometimes he would see something in her eyes or he would catch her looking at him, and he wondered just how not simple it might be for her. He was going to respect her boundaries though. He'd promised her that and he wanted to show her he could keep those promises. Even if it killed him to do it.

He got out of the truck and reached behind the seat for his duffle and guitar case. "Hey, Deacon!" he turned in the direction of the voice. It was Travis, the tour manager, gesturing to him. "Over here!" Deacon walked over to the bus where Travis was standing. It was labeled 'Rayna Jaymes #2' and he knew it was the band bus. 'Rayna Jaymes #1' was Rayna's bus and buses 3 and 4 carried equipment and wardrobe and other gear.

He walked towards the bus and as he rounded the front to get to the luggage hold, he saw Rayna standing by her bus, Maddie in her arms. And Teddy. He tossed his duffle in the hold and when he looked back up, Teddy was looking at him, with a self-satisfied look on his face. Deacon watched him turn towards Rayna, first giving Maddie a little kiss on the forehead, and then leaning in for a more intimate kiss with Rayna. Then he followed her up the steps into the bus, giving Deacon one last glance before they all disappeared.

He breathed in slowly, fighting the urge to storm off.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna heard Travis call out Deacon's name, but forced herself not to turn and look. She was standing at the door to her bus with Teddy and she wouldn't do that to him. She let him pull her in close and kiss her, but she felt a sadness deep in her stomach. She hated that, because he'd been nothing but loving since they'd had that conversation after she came home from rehearsal the night before. She'd let him make love to her that night and she worked hard to focus on him and give him pleasure. He didn't have to know that the little moans and sighs weren't completely because of the things he was doing to her. He was her _husband_. He deserved to feel loved.

He followed her onto the bus and helped her get Maddie situated in her pack-n-play. Then he took her in his arms again and held her close, kissing her. "I'm going to miss you both," he whispered against her lips.

She pressed herself against him and smiled. "Come out on the weekends, babe," she said. "Maddie would love it if her daddy came." She ran her fingers through his hair. "I would too."

"You're sure?"

She pulled out of his arms and took one of Maddie's toys out of her bag and put it in the baby's hands. Maddie made little cooing noises. "Of course, babe. You're always welcome. I mean, I know you have to work, but you can come out on weekends. Anytime you want."

He nodded, then smiled, that boyish grin that she really did love. "Okay. I will," he said. He kissed her once more, then tickled Maddie's tummy until she giggled. He looked back at her. "I'll come next weekend, how about that?"

She smiled. "That would be awesome. Just let Travis know for sure so he can make any arrangements you need." She laughed softly. "I'm never exactly sure where we'll be, but he always knows."

He nodded again, then leaned in for one last kiss. She captured his face with his hands and let the kiss linger just a bit, before she pulled back. "Have a good tour, then," he said. He looked at her adoringly. "I love you, Rayna."

She smiled back at him. "I love you too, babe." Then she watched him walk out of the bus. When he was gone, she looked down at Maddie, and then sat on the bench seat across from her. "This is gonna be an interesting journey, baby girl," she whispered. She turned and pulled her legs up under her, resting her elbow on the back of the seat. She looked out the window at the bus parked slightly ahead of hers. The band's bus. She knew Deacon was on that bus.

She sighed deeply. In some ways, having Deacon back with her was very comforting. Performance-wise, he knew her so well and there was an ease between them on stage, even now with their relationship so changed. That part had felt familiar, even though she'd had to force herself to turn it off the minute they stopped performing. Having him here though, so close and yet so far away, that was the part that gave her pause. _Will we be able to do this? Can we really turn all of that off?_

"Ms. Jaymes, we're ready to go," the bus driver said to her, poking his head in the door.

She smiled. "Thanks, Dave. We're good." When he shut the door, she went back to looking out the window, in time to see the band's bus pull out of the parking lot. She reached up and wiped away the tears.

 _ **~nashville~**_

It had really hurt, seeing Rayna with Teddy. Seeing how possessive he was with her. It tore at his heart. He knew he needed to figure out how to deal with it or it would lead him to finding some way to get that first drink.

He turned away and headed up the steps into the bus. He'd never had to ride the band bus before. He looked around. It was a lot different than Rayna's bus. There was a small kitchenette and eating area, along with a long seating bench in front of the bunks. As he started down the narrow walkway between the bunks, he wondered which one he should take. He stopped in front of one.

"Oh, hey, man, you actually get the room in the back," Steve, the bass guitarist said.

Deacon looked up, a puzzled look on his face. "What?" he asked.

Steve nodded towards the back. "It ain't quite what you're used to, but the bandleader gets the private space."

Deacon shook his head. "Nah, man, I don't need that," he said.

"Take it, dude. It ain't much more than a bunk anyway, but at least you got a door."

Deacon raised his eyebrows, then shrugged. He headed back and opened the door to the private space. Steve was right, there was a bunk-type bed and a small table and very little else. But maybe it would be good to have some privacy. He slid his guitar case between the bed and the wall, then tossed his duffle beside it. He reached back and shut the door, then sat down on the bed.

He really hoped he could do this.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna always felt a rush of excitement the first night of a tour. This night was no different, but it even felt like the excitement had ratcheted up a notch because, not only was it her first tour in over a year and a half, but she was doing it again with Deacon. She never thought that would be the case. She had to admit to herself that it had been surprisingly easy to fall back into a comfortable performing rhythm with him. At times she almost forgot everything that had gone on between them, as she got caught up in a song. Then she would turn to look at him and her heart would beat faster and she'd find herself wondering what if. _What if I'd told him back at the cabin when I went there after I found out I was pregnant? What if knowing he was going to be a father changed everything?_ But she hadn't told him then and now it felt like it was too late.

She had come over to the arena early for sound check, just like she always had. She picked up a bottle of water and then headed out to the mezzanine. She walked to the ramp that led to the nosebleed section and eventually found a spot four rows from the top, halfway in. She sat down and took a sip of water, then sighed. It was bittersweet, doing this alone. How many times had she and Deacon done this, looking down on the stage from the vantage point of people who paid the least amount for tickets and were farthest from the music. It had always been a humbling thing to do, reminding themselves to sing out to the people at the top of the venue.

She smiled a little sadly as she thought of all the times they'd sit up here and make out. Or more. She was startled when she suddenly heard the sound of footsteps. She felt her stomach drop as she waited, swallowing hard when she saw Deacon come up through the entrance to the section she was in. When he saw her, he nodded almost imperceptibly and she felt a sudden chill on her bare arms. He stood looking at her for a moment, then walked into a row on the opposite side of the aisle and several rows down from where she was.

She wanted to say something, but she couldn't find the words. She sat for a few more seconds, then got up and walked out to the aisle. She walked down the steps to the row he was seated in. He looked up and over at her and she returned his gaze. Then she gently tapped the back of the aisle seat and continued down the steps, not looking back.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He should have known she'd still do this. He'd been the one to start it, back when they were opening on George Strait's tour, but then it became a ritual for them, one that meant as much to her as it had to him. So then what were the odds he'd choose the same section. As he sat, he felt like he couldn't breathe, knowing she was so close. He wanted to go sit with her, but he knew he couldn't.

Then too soon he heard her get up and head for the aisle. She stopped when she got to his row and they just looked at each other. In his mind, he thought she wanted to say something, make a move, but couldn't. He knew she had a sense of honor about her. He knew that she would be loyal to her husband, her marriage. That's how she was made. He admired her for that, but it killed him all the same.

As he watched her walk away, he thought about the fact that this was _their_ ritual. It was in their blood, just like everything else about them. He hoped one day they'd be able to share that ritual with each other again.

And maybe more.


	5. Holding On and Letting Go

_**A bit of a time jump.**_

They were starting their third tour together since Deacon had gotten sober. Rayna's first tour had been short, finishing just after the new year. The second tour started just after Maddie's first birthday and had lasted until right before Thanksgiving. Maddie had celebrated her second birthday during rehearsal for the third tour. He and Rayna had finally found a relatively comfortable rhythm between the two of them, although they still avoided most personal conversations. It was for the best, though, as Deacon really didn't want to hear about Rayna's life with Teddy. That still felt raw and painful. Maybe it always would, he wasn't sure.

It was easy to forget about Teddy, though, since their paths rarely crossed anymore. After the first tour, Teddy mostly stayed away. He obviously felt out of place in Rayna's world and Deacon was relieved not to be subjected to Teddy's glares and snarky remarks when he was around. These days Deacon found himself looking forward to touring and all that went along with that. He'd also seemed to finally have found the key to staying sober. As hard as it still was not to be with Rayna the way he wanted to, he'd discovered that being faced with all that he had lost was motivation to not drink. It wasn't that it was always easy, because there were certainly days when it was a struggle, but ironically, knowing what he was missing seemed to keep him straight.

He wondered if he would ever get over Rayna. The pain of losing her and watching her have everything they'd ever dreamed of with someone else never seemed to completely go away. He wanted to get past it though. He knew he needed something to help him move on from the yearning and the regret. He got out of his truck the beginning of their last week of rehearsal before the tour started. He threw his messenger bag across his shoulder and pulled his guitar out of the back of the truck. He saw Rayna's SUV, so he knew she was already there.

As he approached the building, a pretty brunette came through the door. She caught his eye and smiled, wrinkling her nose just a bit. "Hey, Deacon," she said, with her soft Southern drawl.

He quickly glanced over her, appreciatively taking in her long, slender legs in those tight jeans. She had on a form-fitting tank top and her dark hair curled around her shoulders. He couldn't remember her name, but he'd seen her around more than once. He smiled back at her. "Hey," he said, as he headed up the steps.

She stopped on the step just above his. "Y'all heading out soon?" she asked, her voice like liquid chocolate.

He stopped as well. He was right at eye level with her and noticed she had pretty hazel eyes and a smattering of freckles across her nose. Freckles that reminded him of Rayna. He took a deep breath. He couldn't go there. "Yeah," he said. "Gotta run. I'm late." And he left her staring after him.

As he headed down the hallway, he thought about the fact that he needed to get back out there socially. Not that it was easy for him, but he couldn't just sit around waiting for Rayna. As far as he could tell, she was committed to Teddy, and the sooner he accepted that and moved on, the better. But it was hard. He compared every woman he met to Rayna. If a woman had too many of her characteristics, or the ones he associated most with her, he couldn't go there. Redheads were out. Freckles were out. Blue eyes, especially dark blue like hers, were out. Unfortunately, too many women reminded him of Rayna.

He'd been with a handful of women since he'd come back to Nashville. Few and far between though. And they were all the type Cole referred to as 'one-and-dones'. He wasn't ready for a relationship, though. It might be a long time before he was ready for that. Eleven years was a long time, and in spite of everything they'd put each other through, it was a high bar to hit. For him, anyway. Clearly Rayna had been able to get over it.

He felt a knot in his chest as he rushed into the rehearsal room. He had to stop thinking about this crap. He set his guitar case down on the stage, pulling off the messenger bag and tossing it on the nearby table a little more forcefully than he otherwise might have. He opened up his case and was starting to pull out his guitar, his jaw clenched. Just then he heard a tiny, high-pitched voice shout out his name. "Deke!" He looked up and immediately his face softened and he smiled. _Maddie._

The little girl raced over to him, so fast that Rayna couldn't stop her. She got right to the edge of the stage and Deacon plucked her up in his arms. "Hey there, Maddie," he said, with a grin. "You gotta be careful, though, girl. You coulda run right off that stage." She giggled and buried her face in his shoulder.

"Maddie, I told you not to run off like that," Rayna said from above the two of them. He looked up at her, noticing that instead of looking upset, she looked a little sad.

"I got her, Ray," he said. "She's okay." He rubbed his hand over Maddie's back and the little girl threw her arms around his neck.

"I wuv you, Deke," she declared.

He laughed. "I love you too, Maddie," he said, and kissed her on the top of her head. He did love her, too. It had surprised him, but, then, she was Rayna's, and that seemed to make all the difference. Then he put his hands around her waist and hoisted her back up on the stage where Rayna took her little hand. "But don't run off from your mama anymore, okay?"

Maddie looked solemn, putting her index finger in her mouth. "Kay," she said quietly, nodding, then looking up at Rayna. "I sowwy, Mama."

Rayna leaned down and picked up her daughter. "It's okay, sweet girl," she murmured into Maddie's hair, kissing her cheek. She looked back down at Deacon. "I need to get her back to Mia and then we can start."

He nodded and then watched her walk off with Maddie on her hip. Sadness washed over him and he even felt tears spring up in his eyes. _That could have been us. She should have been ours._ He shook his head and breathed in deeply, pushing down his emotions as he pulled his guitar out of the case and ran up the steps onto the stage.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Maddie was quick. As soon as she'd started walking, which was when she was two days shy of eleven months old, she was always in a hurry. Rayna and Teddy found themselves always running after her, trying to catch her before she fell or before she ran into something. Rayna often followed her with a camcorder, especially when she was on tour. Teddy couldn't make it out to meet them often anymore and she didn't want him to miss anything Maddie did.

He'd started to hint around, after the end of her last tour, about having another baby, but she wasn't ready. She'd had no idea how much time and effort it took to raise a child, until she had Maddie, and trying to combine that with touring was no piece of cake. Her career was taking off and she was now headlining major arenas. She couldn't stop to have another baby. Not right now.

Maddie had scampered off ahead of her as they headed out to the stage. Rayna was wearing her stiletto heels to rehearse in and, although she was pretty agile on them, she was no match for her toddler in her tiny cowgirl boots. Her heart was in her chest as she watched her daughter barrel towards Deacon as he stood at the edge of the stage. One reason was that Maddie was racing towards that same edge, but the other was that she was racing towards Deacon.

She watched Deacon grab Maddie, grinning at her. She swallowed hard, her heart in her throat. Maddie adored Deacon, had from the moment he'd held her when she was six months old. Every time she watched the two of them together, she questioned herself and her decision to keep the truth from Deacon. He was still sober, two and a half years now, longer than he'd ever stayed sober before. She couldn't help but wonder, if she'd told him that day she'd gone to the cabin, would that have been enough to straighten him out. Would he have figured out how to turn his life around so he could be a father to his child? Or would the pressure have been too great? Would she have always been waiting for him to fall?

She walked up to where Deacon was holding Maddie. She felt so many things in that moment – she felt like she could throw up but she also felt a tender warmth at seeing the bond the two of them were forming. "Maddie, I told you not to run off like that," she said.

Maddie curled up into Deacon's shoulder as he held her tightly. "I got her, Ray," he said. "She's okay."

She watched Maddie put her arms around Deacon's neck. "I wuv you, Deke," she cried out. Rayna bit the inside of her cheek. Maddie couldn't say 'Deacon' and had shortened it to 'Deke'. It melted her heart to see how comfortable her daughter was with him.

Deacon settled her back on the stage, but not without telling the little girl he loved her too. Rayna had to look away for a moment, afraid all her feelings would show up on her face. She reached down for Maddie's hand, not looking at Deacon. Maddie looked so contrite then, so she leaned down and picked her up, burying her face in her daughter's hair until she'd regained her control. She finally looked back down at Deacon. "I need to get her back to Mia and then we can start," she said, controlling her voice so she didn't give away all the myriad of emotions she was feeling.

* * *

Maddie was asleep when they finished rehearsal and Mia took her out to the car, while Rayna wrapped up. She and Bucky went over the set list with Deacon one more time. "What do you think we should end with, Deacon?" she asked.

He was looking over the list. "'Already Gone' for sure, as the last song before the encore. Gets 'em on their feet wanting more."

She nodded. "I agree. What about an encore?"

He worked his lip a minute. "What about two songs? 'This Love Ain't Big Enough' is still your top seller."

She often wondered how he felt about performing that one with her. It wasn't as overtly about him as 'The Best Songs Come From Broken Hearts', but she'd written it in that same timeframe, when she'd kicked him out of her band and her life. She'd written several songs about him, about that time in their lives. "Sounds good," she said, nodding. She cleared her throat. "What about 'I Could Not Ask For More'?"

Deacon looked pensive as he seemed to think that through. Then he nodded. "That could work. But do that one first. It's more of a ballad and you want to send 'em out all energized."

She smiled. This was why she needed him in her band. He knew her so well and he knew how to spotlight her best. He understood what it took to make her shine. "I think you're right," she said. "Perfect." She stood up. "Look, I need to get Maddie home. Great rehearsal today, y'all. Let's do it again tomorrow."

Bucky grinned. "Sounds like a plan."

* * *

Rayna hurried out to the car so she could get home. They were already running late. She was halfway to Mia's house to drop her off when she decided to call Teddy and let him know they were on their way. "Mia, will you find my phone, please?" she asked, lifting up her purse and handing it to her babysitter in the back seat.

After a moment, Mia looked at her with a frown. "It's not here, Ms. Jaymes," she said.

Rayna looked puzzled, then she frowned. "Damn. I must have left it at Sound Check." She thought for a moment. "I've got to go back. Do you mind?" She looked at Mia in the rearview mirror.

Mia shook her head. "No problem."

Rayna turned around as soon as she could and headed back towards East Nashville. She was sure she'd left it on the table where she and Bucky had been talking to Deacon. When she got to Sound Check, she ran across the parking lot and up the stairs. She hurried down the hallway to the rehearsal hall. The door was still open and as she approached it, she could hear Deacon singing. She stood in the shadows listening.

 _I remember our last spotlight there / She wanted me and no one else / Nowadays I play my part / Pay a dime you'll see my broken heart_

 _Cause that curtain falls / The lights go out / The show goes on / She leaves town / If you know what's good for you you'll just let her go / Or you'll end up next to me in her sideshow_

She swallowed hard, feeling an aching sadness. She decided to act like she hadn't heard him and walked briskly into the room, making sure her boots made a distinctive click as she did. He stopped playing, looking at her uncomfortably, but she just smiled her performance smile as she spied her phone on the table where she'd left it. "Sorry," she said, with a giddy little laugh. "I forgot my phone." She walked over and picked it up. "Are you working on arrangements?"

He nodded. "Yeah," he said, putting his guitar down. Then he looked away.

She bit her lip. She knew he was embarrassed and that he was unsure what she might have heard. She decided right then she wouldn't bring it up. "I'll let you get back to it then," she said. She hesitated just a moment. "See you tomorrow."

He turned back and looked at her and she knew she saw pain in his eyes. He didn't say a word, just gave her a brief nod. She turned and hurried out, tears filling her eyes.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He didn't know how long he sat there, with his eyes closed. Even though she acted like she'd just gotten there and hadn't heard him, he knew. He could see it in her eyes. He knew she thought she had it all down, her performance face. The smile, the words, the gestures. She was a pro, she could fool anyone into thinking everything was okay, that she had no worries, no concerns, no disappointments. Except for him. He could always see what was in her eyes.

He didn't want her to see his pain, his yearning. Not when she seemed happy or at least she wanted him to believe she was happy. He'd worked hard to separate himself from her, at least what she could see. He felt like he needed to do that, for her.

He had no idea, though, what she was thinking. _Does she hurt? Does she just feel sorry for me? Does she wish I'd move on? Does she wish we could go back and do it all over?_ He clenched his jaw, then breathed out slowly. When he opened his eyes, he got up, walked across the stage and down the steps. He put his guitar in the case and picked it up, along with his messenger bag, and left the room.

 _I need to stop doing this._

* * *

There were always women hanging around after a show. Truthfully, they were closer to girls than women, but it didn't much matter to Deacon. As long as they were blonde or brunette, didn't have blue eyes or freckles, and didn't sing, he was fine. It wasn't an every night thing, but some nights, at the end of an after party, he'd find the prettiest one to leave with. He always tried to make sure Rayna saw that, so she knew he wasn't just sitting in his hotel room, pining for her.

Sometimes it was a problem that he wouldn't go to a bar, but he'd made that his rule, for the time being. He still felt too new at this sober thing to trust himself in a bar. An all-night diner worked. He was usually hungry after a show anyway. For food and for company. And although it wasn't quite the same as being with Rayna, it helped to be able to touch someone and feel her skin on his own and feel that release he'd gone without for so long.

They were always eager and they always seemed to understand that sex was part of the deal. Hell, they seemed to want it even more than he did. The sex was always a little rough, because that's what it took to wipe Rayna's face out of his mind. Sort of. He never allowed them to stay, though. That made it feel like there would be a next time and he knew there would not. No need to give anyone false hope.

The fact that he felt a little empty afterwards and it was never truly satisfying didn't stop him. It was time and, he thought, if he did this enough surely one day he could forget and move on.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna stood talking with one of the local country station executives at the after party following the first Houston show. She didn't mind doing these, because she knew the better they went the more times her latest record would be in rotation on the local stations. She'd worked hard for her success and she never took it for granted. Her band members normally came as well, but the only one who really was in demand was Deacon. He hated after parties and he hated small talk, but his stature as one of the premiere guitar players in country music meant that he had some cache.

She would often find herself watching him as he made his way around the room. He always had a bottled water in his hand these days, but she could still remember when that wasn't the case. Over the years she had perfected her ability to chat up people at an after party and keep an eye on Deacon at the same time. She hadn't always been able to keep him close to her, so she watched him as he'd hang out at the bar. When she thought he'd had enough, she'd carefully excuse herself and walk over to him. It usually only took a look or a word from her and he'd walk out with her.

These days, of course, she didn't have to do that. For one thing, he wasn't standing by the bar, and for another, he wasn't her responsibility anymore. But what she did see was him pick up women. Not every night, but many nights. It was always a pretty girl and she'd watch him smile at her. Then there would be some conversation and he'd ask someone to bring her a drink. Many times they'd wander over to one of the more out-of-the-way seating areas and talk. They would sit close together, their heads close. She would laugh, he would laugh. She would touch his arm or hand or maybe even lay her hand on his leg. That was usually the cue for him to take her hand, pull her up, and then lead her out, his hand on the small of her back. He never looked back.

Rayna would have to push down the sadness, the envy, the hurt, and focus on the person she was still talking to. She would try to stop seeing Deacon walking out of the party with another woman, but it was as though it was permanently etched in her memory. She hated the way it made her feel vaguely queasy and like she wanted to cry. She hated that it made her feel a little like he was cheating on her, when she'd been the one to push him away.

These days, she would try to wrap up the small talk, then go to Bucky and tell him she was done for the night. Having Maddie on tour with her gave her a reason to leave a little earlier than she might have. She'd go back to her room and, with a sad smile, thank Mia and let her go to her room. Then she would walk over to the bed where her daughter was sleeping and gently sit next to her.

The door to the bathroom would be partially closed to allow the small amount of light Maddie insisted on so she could sleep. Rayna would look down at her sleeping daughter, her small chest rising and falling gently, her tiny face smoothed out and her lips lightly parted. She would run her hand over Maddie's dark brown hair, so like Deacon's, and then barely touch her skin as she'd run a finger over Maddie's arm.

Her heart would hurt as she sat and watched Deacon's daughter sleeping. She often closed her eyes tightly, willing back the tears. She'd made a good decision – the _right_ decision – for her daughter. It was more than just the fact that Deacon was still a mess back when she found out she was pregnant. It was also that she wanted her daughter to have a normal life. And, even if Deacon had been able to do it then, their life certainly wouldn't be what anyone would call normal. Even though Maddie went out on the road with her, her life away from that was filled with playgrounds and playing in the park and dinner at home with Mama and Daddy. As Maddie got older, she would go to school and have playdates with friends and do homework and learn to ride a bike. She would learn to skate and go bowling and go to birthday parties. All the things normal children did. And _that_ , more than anything, was what Rayna wanted for Maddie. _That_ was what Teddy could give her, could give _them,_ that Deacon never could.

But she still looked at Maddie and thought about the fact that to her daughter Deacon was just her Uncle Deacon. Rayna had believed, back when she'd decided to invite Deacon back into her band, that she could give the two of them a relationship with each other, in spite of the fact that they wouldn't know they were father and daughter. She knew in her heart that this was the time when, if she were going to tell Deacon the truth she should do it. Maddie was still young and could adjust. It would be hard at first, but before long she'd forget her other daddy and Deacon would be Daddy.

She wasn't going to do it though. Mainly because she didn't want to hurt Teddy and she didn't know how to do it without hurting Teddy. But Teddy hadn't been just a good father to Maddie, he'd been a good husband to _her_. He loved her – much more than she loved him, she acknowledged – and he took such good care of her. He was kind and loving and attentive and she had grown to love him in return. Not the same way she'd loved Deacon, but it was a good, strong love. And she owed him.

She just wished it didn't hurt so much to leave Deacon behind.

* * *

It was a warm early September night in Houston. Even at eleven at night, it was hot and sticky. Rayna felt restless after the show, though. She was doing two nights in Houston so there was no after party the second night. She'd gone back to her suite and looked in on Maddie, but she herself wasn't ready for bed. She made her way back out of her room and down to the outdoor pool level. There was a large deck area with a great view of downtown. She walked out to the railing and leaned on it, clasping her hands in front of her.

"Hey." His voice startled her and she stood up and turned towards him. She hadn't seen him standing there when she walked out and realized he'd been in a shadowed area. He walked closer to her, then leaned on the railing ten feet from her.

She ran her tongue over her lips. "Hey," she answered. "I didn't see you there. I thought you must have, you know, had a…date or something."

He looked over at her with an amused smile on his face. "A date?"

She went back to leaning on the rail herself. She laughed a little. "Well, I do see you leave sometimes with a…lady friend," she said.

"You do?" he asked, sounding a little intrigued.

She bit her bottom lip. She wished she hadn't said that. It made it seem like she watched him. _Which I do._ "Oh, you know, just every now and then I've seen you. No big deal." She looked over at him and he turned away, looking out in front of him.

The silence between them stretched out and felt awkward. He finally looked back at her. "You happy, Ray?" he asked quietly. "I mean, really happy? Like you got what you wanted happy?"

She frowned a little. "What do you mean?"

He took a deep breath. "I mean, I know you wanted this…nice life. A family, a house, the white picket fence. Is that what you got?"

He didn't seem angry, more curious. She shrugged. "I guess," she said. She looked down at her hands for a moment, then back at him. "Yeah, Deacon, I am happy," she said, a little more firmly. "I needed life to be not so…tumultuous, all the time. And I got that. Teddy's been a real steady part of my life and that's been good."

He was quiet again. She could see him considering that, working his lip. "I never meant to cause you pain, Rayna," he said finally.

She caught her breath. "I know," she said softly. She moved a little closer to him and he looked at her intently. "I'm glad we can still do this together. I think it shows we can be, you know, friends making music together. I mean, I care about you, Deacon. You're _family_. You'll always be family. To me." She breathed in. "I couldn't have done any of this without you. And I'm glad I don't have to now."

He looked down for a moment, then back at her. "I wish we coulda figured it out before," he said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

She bit her lip and looked away. She felt like a weight was on her chest, keeping her from breathing. All those feelings she'd been pushing down were overwhelming her. "I know," she whispered. She cleared her throat. "Are _you_ …happy, Deacon? Now?"

He shook his head, a sad smile on his face. "I don't know," he said. "I mean, I got sober and I finally seem to get it right, but…." He shook his head again. "It ain't the same. Nothing's the same. Nothing's what I thought it would be."

She lowered her eyes and bit her lip. She knew her not being available was what he meant, but she didn't know what to do about that. "I'm proud of you, though," she said. "I hope you keep working at it. Anyway. It's worth it, I think."

He nodded. "Yeah. It is." He rubbed his hands together. "I know you got the life you wanted, Ray. I'm glad you got what you wanted." When he looked at her, his eyes were filled with all the pain and disappointment and regret he was feeling. Her heart hurt over it. "I gotta move on too, I guess. That's what that's all about."

She wanted to cry, but she forced herself to breathe deeply. "I know." She tried to smile. "It's better this way, I think."

He just looked at her. "Right."

She took a step closer to him and reached out, laying her hand on his arm and squeezing it gently. She felt almost an electric current race through her as she did that. "I need to get back to Maddie," she said. Then she smiled. "I'm glad you're back, Deacon. I'm glad we're working together again. Thank you for that." He just nodded and she turned away from him and headed back into the hotel.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon stood there and watched Rayna leave and his heart felt heavy. He was pretty sure he'd never stop loving her. He was also pretty sure she'd always feel the same. But there was too much water under their bridge now to go back.

He'd had mixed feelings about the fact that she noticed him with other women. Even though he'd made sure she did, hearing her acknowledge it was different. Listening to her tell him she was happy and that she had the life she wanted, with Teddy, still hurt. It wasn't like she hadn't said that before, more than once. He could hear Cole's words in his head. _She needed to let you go, Deacon. You need to let her go too. You gotta learn to be strong on your own and you can't do that unless you let her go. It's for the best, for both of you. You know that. She knows that. It may not be what you want, but it's what you both need._

He hated that it was that way. He had thought they'd always be together, that she would always be there waiting for him. Even the fifth time at rehab, after she'd moved out, somehow he thought she'd come back. But Cole was right and it wasn't going to happen. At least not now. He sighed and looked back out towards downtown, tears clouding his vision.

 _This ain't the way it was supposed to be, Ray. You and me, we were meant to be together. But I gotta move on, I guess. This is what_ _you_ _want and I can do it for you._

He finally pushed back from the railing and turned to walk back into the hotel. He surely did want a drink, but he knew better now. He had to stay strong, he had to stay the course. He knew he needed to start thinking about really moving on with his life. Accepting the fact that there wasn't a future for them, for now. Maybe never. But he still wanted to be that man she knew he could be. The man he wanted to be for her.


	6. Everything I Shouldn't Be Thinking About

It was right at the tail end of their four weeks of rehearsal, before heading out on her second arena headline tour, when Rayna heard about Deacon's girlfriend. When she first heard the news, she wasn't sure she believed it. Even though she still felt a little pang of hurt every time, she'd accepted him taking off with a girl who hung around after a show or one who chatted him up at an after party. Deacon was a good-looking man and, even if small talk wasn't his thing, he could certainly have his eye turned by a pretty girl. And she certainly had no right to care, to be hurt by it. She wondered if it was one of them, one of the women he'd gone off with during their last tour.

Their own relationship had settled into something reasonably comfortable. It seemed that, once they had acknowledged the need to move on, there was more of an ease between them. They still didn't talk about much more than set lists or song arrangements, only lightly touching on more personal matters. They weren't writing together. He'd inquired, more than once, but she'd felt unsure, and eventually he'd dropped it. He'd come on the bus more often these days, but it was usually to play with Maddie, although he wouldn't stay long. Her now three year old daughter was enchanted by him and loved to sit beside him while he played guitar and sang for her.

It always broke her heart a little, to see him sitting there with the little girl who was his daughter and him not know it. His smile was always so genuine and he always had big hugs for Maddie. She was pleased to see him staying sober, but she always felt a little wistful when she thought about it. If only he'd been like this back then, when she got pregnant with Maddie. Then the three of them could have been a family. But then she'd shake her head, knowing it wasn't worth dwelling on. It was all in the past. She was married to Teddy and he was a good husband and father. Even watching the bond develop between Deacon and Maddie, she knew that she would honor the promise she'd made to Teddy.

She found out about Deacon's girlfriend when Bucky called her a couple nights before they were headed out for the tour. "Hey, Buck, what's up?" she asked.

He cleared his throat. "I just wanted to run something past you, so you aren't caught off guard," he said.

She frowned. "What?"

"I just heard that Deacon's going to be bringing someone out on the first weekend of the tour." He paused a second. "A girlfriend."

She felt a little sick to her stomach. Surely it wasn't that. "You mean one of the girls he's picked up before? A groupie?" She hated using that word and she hated that Deacon let himself get caught up in that kind of thing.

"No, not a groupie," Bucky said. "A girlfriend. Apparently he's been seeing someone. Someone he met after we came off the last tour." Rayna was silent. "Rayna? You still there?"

She swallowed hard. "Yeah, Buck," she said softly, her voice not much above a whisper. "Maybe I shouldn't be surprised, but I guess I am a little. Do you know anything about her?"

"Well, I really don't know much, except her name is Taylor. I guess we'll be meeting her in Memphis."

After they hung up, Rayna paced around the den, twisting her hands in front of her. _Why didn't he tell me himself? In all these weeks of rehearsal, how come he never said a word? Is he embarrassed? Is he afraid to tell me?_

* * *

"Hey, babe," Tandy said as Rayna let her in the house. She reached in and hugged her sister. "How are you?"

Rayna held on to her tightly. "I'm okay," she replied. She stepped back and gave Tandy her performance smile. "I'm so glad to see you. Maddie will be thrilled."

Tandy looked around. "Is she up?"

Rayna shook her head. "She's taking a nap. But she'll be up soon, I'm sure."

Tandy looped her arm through Rayna's as they walked into the den. "So tell me what's going on with you? When do you leave?"

Rayna waited until they were settled on the couch. She turned to Tandy and made a face. "In three days. We're just winding up rehearsals." She ran her fingers over the back of the couch.

Tandy frowned a little. "What's going on, sweetheart? You sounded kind of out of sorts on the phone."

Rayna shrugged. "I'm okay. I guess, just getting anxious. Like always." She tapped her fingers on the couch again and then looked at her sister. "Deacon has a girlfriend."

Tandy made a face. "What?" Then she frowned. "Why do you care?"

Rayna rolled her eyes. "I _don't_ care. I just…well, I guess I just was surprised." She knew Tandy was not a Deacon fan, and had joined Teddy in questioning her decision to bring him back to her band, and she didn't want to fight with her.

Tandy narrowed her eyes as she considered that. "I think you _do_ care, babe. But you made a decision a long time ago that he wasn't going to be in your life. Letting him back in your band means you have to take the good with the bad."

"I get that," Rayna said, glaring at her sister. She wished she'd never brought it up. She'd just needed to say it out loud, hoping that would make it hurt less. Except it didn't. And Tandy had clearly been the wrong person to talk about it with.

"So, what, did you think he'd never get over you? That you could move on but he couldn't?"

Rayna stood up and stalked off to the kitchen. "Just shut up, Tandy!" she shouted. She picked up the tea kettle and slammed it down on the stove, turning on the gas.

Tandy had turned on the couch so that she could see Rayna in the kitchen. She took a deep breath. "Sweetheart, you made your choice," she said, her voice filled with more compassion this time. "And he gets to make his."

Rayna felt the fight go out of her and her shoulders slumped just a little. "I know," she said. "I just guess I never thought about it like that. But you're right. I can't expect him to just pine away for, I don't know, the past, or something."

Tandy got up then and walked over to where her sister was. She put her hand on Rayna's arm and squeezed gently. "Look, I know it was hard on you back then. I'm not totally oblivious to that, even though I wanted you to move on. But you did and you have this great family. Everything you ever wanted. Now it's time for you to let him go. For good."

Rayna sighed and looked back at Tandy. "You're right," she said sadly. "I do have that family I wanted and a nice, normal life." She gave her sister a tiny smile. "I need to focus on that." She leaned in and hugged her sister. _I do have the perfect life. So why does it not feel like enough?_

 _ **~nashville~**_

This thing with Taylor had taken Deacon by surprise. It had started as something casual. He'd met her at the park near his house, about a month before Rayna's last tour ended. He didn't go there often, but had needed to get out of the house that day. It was nice to have a couple days off and it was a nice spring day. He'd headed over with his guitar and had sat along the rock wall and worked on some music. He was playing around town when they were off the road and he needed to build up his catalog for the next down cycle.

 _He was so engrossed in his music that he wasn't paying attention to the people passing by him. The park was filled with families and groups of young adults, playing Frisbee and volleyball and enjoying the beautiful day. There were walking trails and a fair number of people were walking or jogging. He was brought back to the present when he heard a female voice nearby say "Shit! Ow!"_

 _He looked up and saw a young woman on the trail, sitting and holding her ankle. He set his guitar down and hustled over, looking down at her with a concerned look. "You okay?" he asked._

 _She looked up at him with a pained look on her face. "I stepped on a rock or something. Twisted my ankle, I think," she said._

 _He reached his hand down to her. "Here, let me help you up," he offered._

 _She looked at him for a second and apparently decided he was safe. She smiled a little hesitantly, but took his hand and let him help her up. "Thanks," she said._

 _He glanced over to the rock wall, where he'd been sitting. "Can you make it over here? Sit down a minute?"_

 _She nodded and then tentatively put some weight on the injured foot. She winced and moaned a little, but managed to hobble the short distance and then sat down. He had followed her closely, in case she needed some help. She smiled. "Thanks."_

 _He sat down next to her. She was a pretty girl, her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, and she was wearing bike shorts and an Atlanta Falcons t-shirt. Her eyes were a soft brown and she had the light sheen on her face of a runner. "You need some help to your car or anything? Or you just wanna sit here a minute?" he asked._

" _I think it might just be a tweak. I'll just rest it a minute." She looked him over and then nodded at his guitar. "Are you one of those…what do they call them, buskers?" she asked._

 _He smiled and then chuckled a bit. "No, not a busker. Although I have been known to do that back in the day."_

" _But you are a musician, right? That's why you're out here in the park with a guitar. Musicians always have their guitar with them, like it's a third arm or something." She grinned._

 _He raised his eyebrows. "I guess. And yeah, I'm a musician. I'm in a band."_

" _Probably country music, judging from your jeans and cowboy boots, I'll bet," she said._

 _He nodded. "Yeah. You like country music?"_

 _She shook her head a little apologetically. "Not really. I mean, it's okay, and, well, I am in Nashville, the home of country music. But it was never really my thing and I'm actually glad that's not all there is here." She leaned a little towards him. "So what band are you in?" She laughed. "Not that I've probably heard of it."_

" _Um, I play in Rayna Jaymes' band."_

 _She bit her lip a moment, then shook her head. "That name sort of sounds familiar, but I don't really know who that is. Is she famous?"_

 _He shrugged. "Kind of, I guess. She's right up there with Reba and Faith Hill and Martina McBride." He laughed. "Probably also people you've never heard of."_

 _She laughed. "Yeah, pretty much." She looked at him carefully. "But that's good for you, right?"_

 _He nodded. "Yeah, I guess." He breathed in. "I'm Deacon, by the way. Deacon Claybourne."_

 _She put her hand out and he hesitated a second, then took it. "Nice to meet you, Deacon. And thanks for the rescue. I'm Taylor Montgomery."_

 _He smiled. "Nice to meet you too, Taylor."_

By the time he'd helped Taylor back to her car, he had her phone number and a date for the next evening.

* * *

He'd known right away that Taylor couldn't be a one-and-done. He hadn't been sure he was ready yet, even after nearly four years, to be in a relationship again, but she was different from those one-nighters, different than Rayna. She never did really embrace country music fully, but she was happy to tag along with him when he performed sets around town. He also saw Nashville from her point of view, letting himself try things like hiking and boating on Old Hickory Lake, going out to nicer restaurants, and even going with her once – just once – to the ballet.

Six weeks after he'd finished the tour, he'd convinced her to give up her apartment and move in with him. She'd asked him once about his relationship with Rayna, how he could work with her after having had such a long, tumultuous relationship. He'd been terse in his response, not really wanting to dig into all the complicated emotions he still had about working so closely with the woman he thought he'd spend his whole life with. He knew Taylor was smart and that she would probably look into things on her own, but she didn't pry and she didn't let it affect their relationship, and so he pushed all that aside.

* * *

He really hadn't been snooping. She was out running, her routine as soon as she got home. Her work tote was sitting on the kitchen counter and the magazine was in clear view. He didn't know if she'd meant for him to see it or not. It was the issue of _Country Music_ magazine with Rayna on the cover and a small thumbprint picture of him in the bottom right corner. It had come out that fall after Rayna had broken up with him and fired him from her band. Rayna had always been a very private person and granted few interviews, and those she did were tightly managed. When he'd seen the article back then, he'd known the remarks attributed to her were pieced together from other interviews, but other people around town had clearly spoken freely.

The facts reported in the article were surprisingly accurate, even though the sources were mostly unnamed. Details about his multiple trips to rehab, drunk driving arrests, ER visits, bar fights, and his general unreliability as a performer were specific and painfully accurate. The article was not flattering to him and painted a picture of Rayna, not incorrectly, as a woman who stood by her man until she could no longer defend his behavior.

He pulled the magazine out and opened it to the article, titled 'Rayna Jaymes – Moving Forward At Last'. That had hurt, thinking she'd washed her hands of him gratefully. He didn't think it had been that easy, but things were so confused back then that he wasn't sure there wasn't a grain of truth in that assumption. There were several pictures of the two of them, from their early days. The photo of the two of them that still hung at the Bluebird. Several concert photos where they were so close to each other there wasn't a speck of space between them.

At the time the article was published, he'd just gone to rehab for the last time. He'd hated how he was portrayed as being like an albatross around her neck, dragging her down, putting her career at risk. It was one of the things he'd dealt with in rehab, the notion that he'd hurt her career-wise. He'd had to acknowledge he had been a liability. Every show he missed, every fight he got into, every trip to rehab and every public relapse had threatened to tarnish her reputation. The label had subtly tried to get her to drop him, numerous times, but she'd refused.

An anonymous, but 'highly placed', source at the label had recounted the trouble he'd caused for her and for the label, the public relations nightmare he had become. Rayna Jaymes had great credibility within the country music community and many strong allies, most of whom privately had counseled her to distance herself from him. She had resisted – mainly because she loved him – even while she was privately being destroyed.

Every time he thought about everything he'd put her through, all the pain, all the broken promises, the fights, the break-ups, the angry, hurtful words, it all made his stomach turn over and his heart feel like it was being ripped in two. It had taken many weeks in rehab to finally understand how much of his past had led him to do all the things he'd sworn he never would, to the one person he loved more than his own life. It had cost him, in the end. Cost him everything.

He stood at the counter, the heels of his hands pressed tight against the edge of the counter, his eyes closed, breathing in slowly. He still regretted, more than anything, the pain he'd caused Rayna all those years. He'd loved her so much and he had never wanted to hurt her. Yet he did, again and again. Which was why he was watching her with her husband and daughter now. He could feel tears building in his eyes and he fought hard not to give in.

He didn't hear the front door open, but he heard Taylor's footsteps through the hall. "Hey," she said, then her voice trailed off.

He opened his eyes and rubbed his face with his hands, turning around to look at her. He worked his lip. "Hey," he said finally. He could feel a knot in his stomach, looking at her. She was sweet and pure and good, and he'd promised himself he wouldn't let the pain of losing Rayna destroy this.

She took a couple steps forward and glanced at the counter. She sighed. "I'm sorry about that," she said. "Someone at work gave it to me and I really should have just thrown it out. I _meant_ to do that, actually."

He nodded. "Did you read it?"

"Yeah," she said quietly.

He swallowed. "Do you…do you want to talk about it?"

She shrugged. "I don't know." She looked away for a moment, then back at him. "How much of it is true?"

He put his hands on the counter and leaned back, working his lip. "A lot." He cleared his throat. "But I told you most of…."

She shook her head and waved her hand. "I know. I guess, I don't know, I was sort of surprised at how hurtful some people were. With the things they said." Then she breathed out, a deep, shuddering sound. "And I don't guess I realized how, um, _connected_ you two were. I mean, it seemed _really_ intense."

He raised his eyebrows a bit. "It was," he replied. "But I really hurt her, a lot. Mostly because of my drinking. It was tough, hard." He pushed himself away from the counter and walked over to her. He shoved his hands in his pockets. "But it's over, you know, I mean really over. She was seeing someone else and then they got married, and all that."

She looked at him intently. "I get it," she said. "When you've been with someone that long, it's gotta be tough. Not easy to untangle." She tried to smile. "Isn't it hard to work with her?"

He shrugged. "It was, at first. But, you know, we always made good music together, so we just focus on that."

She nodded, then walked around him to the counter. She closed the magazine and picked it up, then walked over to the trash with it and tossed it out. Then she turned back to him as he watched her carefully. "It's your past," she said. "This is now. That's what I plan on focusing on." She smiled. "How about you?"

He walked over to her and put his arms around her. He relaxed when he felt her slide her arms around his waist, holding him tightly against her. "Yeah," he said. "Sounds good to me."

* * *

Deacon walked into the house after rehearsal and immediately smelled something delicious. He made his way to the kitchen, where Taylor was prepping vegetables. He walked up behind her and kissed her neck. "This smells good," he said, with a smile.

She looked back at him with a wink. "I'm trying out a new shampoo," she said. Then she laughed.

He leaned back against the counter, facing her. "You spoil me," he said.

She made a face. "It's just chicken and vegetables. Not like it's some kind of Julia Child recipe."

He grinned. "I don't know what that is, but what I smell is good." He looked at her for a moment, as though he wanted to say something.

She spread the vegetables on a tray and sprayed them with olive oil, adding salt and pepper. After she put them in the oven, she turned back to him. "What?" He raised his eyebrows. "You wanted to say something. Go ahead."

He reached for her and pulled her into his arms. "Go on tour with me," he said, his face inches from hers.

She put her hands on his chest and looked up at him. "I have a job, Deacon," she said, frowning a bit. "I can't just take off."

He leaned in and brushed her lips with a kiss. "That's not true. You can take some vacation time." He kissed her again. "Even if it's just a long weekend. I want you to come. I want you to see what I do."

She moved her hands down his chest and then around his waist. "I could do some long weekends, I guess. But, sweetie, you know I don't have a lot of vacation time. As fun as I think it would be to come out on the road with you, I can't do it a lot."

He kissed the tip of her nose. "I know. But I really want you to come this first weekend."

She smiled, then wriggled out of his grasp, opening up the cabinet and getting out plates and glasses. She took them over to the table. "Have you told Rayna?" she asked, without looking at him.

He frowned and breathed out. "I don't need to tell her everything," he said tersely.

She walked back to the drawer with the silverware and opened it, getting out what she needed, still not looking at him. "I don't want to be a surprise," she said.

He walked over to the counter and put his hands on it, tensing his arms. "I still don't know why you had to go look at all that stuff. Half of it ain't true anyway," he said.

She turned to look at him, leaning against the table. "What part isn't true? The part where the two of you were a couple for eleven years? Or where she stood by you while you went to rehab four times? Or that you still write songs about her?"

Her tone wasn't accusatory, just matter-of-fact, but Deacon felt anger rise in his chest. "That last part ain't all true. You know that. It's just people wanting to make it true." He put his hands behind his head and breathed in. "However long we were together and whatever happened then, it's over. She married someone else and had a baby. It ain't like we're still in love or anything."

Taylor walked over and put a hand on his chest. "I know that. Does she?" She raised an eyebrow at him. "How do you know how she feels?"

He shook his head. "It don't matter how she feels. She moved on. I did too."

She looked at him for a long moment. "Alright, I'll come," she said. "It's Memphis, right?" He nodded. "I can drive over and then drive back the next day. How does that sound?"

He smiled and kissed her. "Sounds great," he said.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna walked out of her dressing room and headed towards the stage. She could hear SHeDAISY, her opening act, doing their set. As she approached the side stage, she could see Deacon and she smiled to herself. As she got closer, though, she could see that he was talking to a slender blonde, and suddenly she felt a twinge in her stomach. She really wanted to turn and walk off, but just then Deacon saw her and gave her an acknowledging nod. She couldn't very well turn and run now.

She smiled and lifted her hand in a wave and started for the steps. She felt nervous, although she had no reason to feel that way. _I'm married, he's free to go out with anyone he wants. We're not together anymore. You have no right to be hurt._ But she did feel hurt and she couldn't really explain why. She had been the one to break up with him, let him go and marry someone else. She was the one who'd moved on. He was just doing what she had done.

As she walked up the steps and started across the floor towards them, she kept the smile on her face, welcoming the people she passed. But even just peripherally, she kept Deacon and his lady friend in her view. She was young, she could tell, and pretty. _Not surprising. Deacon would definitely go for someone pretty._ She was dressed nicely, not like a groupie. She was wearing jeans and a gingham print blouse, with the sleeves rolled up. No boots, just slip-on shoes.

She widened her smile a bit as she approached them. "Hey, y'all," she said, reaching out to rub Deacon's arm briefly. She looked at the young woman with him, an expectant look on her face. "Hey, I'm Rayna," she said, reaching her hand out. She could almost feel Deacon's tension in that moment.

The woman took her hand and gripped it firmly, smiling back. "I'm Taylor. Taylor Montgomery," she said.

Rayna thought she had a lovely Southern accent. Not overly so, but it sounded cultured and classy. She glanced at Deacon and then back at Taylor. "You must be Deacon's girlfriend," she said. Deacon cleared his throat and she looked back at him. "Bucky told me she was coming."

"It's really nice to meet you, Ms. Jaymes," Taylor said. "I've heard a lot about you."

Rayna focused back on Taylor. "It's Rayna, please," she said, feeling an uncomfortableness she hoped she wasn't showing. "Are you a country music fan?"

Taylor shook her head, looking apologetic. "Actually, I'm not." She looked over at Deacon and gave him a tiny smile. "But I am learning to appreciate it. Deacon's introduced me to several places around Nashville where you can listen to songwriters and I've enjoyed that."

Rayna felt her heart sink just a bit. _She actually seems very nice._ "I hope he took you to the Bluebird. That's the best place to hear music."

Taylor nodded enthusiastically, reaching for Deacon's hand. "I got to hear him play there, actually. And it was a great experience, definitely."

Rayna realized Deacon had just stood there the entire time without speaking. She glanced at him quickly and thought he looked uncomfortable. _Just like me._ She laid a hand on each one's arm and smiled again. "I really need to make sure we're all set," she said. She looked at Taylor. "I'm so glad to meet you and I hope you enjoy the show." She turned to Deacon. "Thank you for bringing her. I hope you'll do it again."

She turned and walked off, not really caring whether or not she appeared rude. She just wasn't sure she could have stood there for one more second without bursting into tears. Tears she had no right to shed.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He didn't know why he'd never told her himself, about Taylor. It didn't have anything to do with Taylor, really. It had everything to do with him. In some ways, it had been no different than the way he'd found out about Teddy. He hadn't heard it from Rayna directly, had heard it from Watty. It had cut him to the core and he'd been angry. So angry that he'd gone to the apartment she'd rented and broken most of the furniture during a fight they'd had about it.

But it wasn't like it was her business. They weren't together, hadn't been in several years now. He didn't owe her explanations for how he lived his life. He wasn't her responsibility anymore, wasn't her problem. And so he'd just not addressed it. Decided he didn't have to tell her how he was living his life. Besides, what if he'd seen something in her eyes, in her face, that said 'that hurts'. What then?

He could tell every time he brought Taylor to a show that it made Rayna uncomfortable. Of course, she always put on her performance smile and she was nothing less than warm and welcoming. Taylor, of course, wouldn't have been able to see what was in Rayna's eyes, the way he could. It often made him wonder if there wasn't a small bit of her that missed what they had, that wasn't quite as happy as she wanted him to believe she was.

Of course, thinking that way only confused his own feelings. He'd been happy with Taylor, enjoyed her company much more than he'd expected. She was smart and funny and she made him laugh, lifted his spirits, made him believe he could move on with his life. But he couldn't completely turn off his feelings for Rayna and it bothered him. He was starting to be afraid he couldn't do this.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna walked up behind Teddy as he was unbuttoning his shirt. She leaned into him, sliding her hands under his arms and then running her hands up his chest. She pressed herself into him and bit her lip gently as she heard him catch his breath. She pushed the fabric of his shirt aside and ran her hands over his bare flesh, moaning a little in her throat. Then she slid her hands down towards the waistband of his pants and slid her fingers just inside.

He turned to face her, his eyes questioning. She smiled at him and then leaned in to kiss his chest. When she looked back up at him, she ran her tongue over her bottom lip. "Let's make a baby," she purred. She was home for a couple days, midway through the tour, and she knew it was a good time. They had talked about it several times. Actually Teddy had done most of the talking, but she'd finally decided it might be a good thing.

He looked surprised. "Right now?" he asked, his voice cracking. "While you're still on tour?"

She shrugged. "If I get pregnant now, I'll just barely be five months along when the tour ends. And you're right, babe. Maddie will be four and that's a good age difference. Same as Tandy and me." She winked at him. "Besides, I want to make love to you. Right now."

She knew Teddy was always worried about her feelings for Deacon. Even though he was the one who was married to her and got to sleep next to her, she was sure he wondered, more than he let on. She'd given him no reason, since Deacon had come back into her band, for concern, but she wanted to reassure him. _Sex_ reassured him. Sex with Teddy was usually gentle and almost reverent. She didn't think she'd ever screamed out his name or run her nails across his back or collapsed with sweat, having trouble catching her breath. Sex with Teddy never involved losing all her inhibitions or losing herself in the sensations. There were no fireworks with Teddy, but he loved her and adored her, that she knew for sure. That had been sufficient, all these years, even while she acknowledged she missed the other.

Right now, though, Teddy was her husband, and he wanted to know – needed to know – she was committed to him and she wanted to ease any fear he had. She loved being a mama, knew she'd been made for that, and having another baby was a small price to pay to let Teddy know she loved him. She did love him. Not in that all-consuming way, but she loved him just the same.

She reached for his hand and pulled him over to the bed. She undressed him, making sure to touch him lightly, lingering now and then, wanting to make sure he felt well-loved and desired. Then she pushed him down on the bed and did a seductive strip tease as he lay watching her. She could see how aroused he was and that pleased her. As she stepped out of her panties, she straddled him on the bed and guided him inside her. He slid his hands over her skin, touching and fondling her in ways she enjoyed. They found a good rhythm and moaned appreciatively, in the way they did. After he shuddered and called out her name and she rode out her gentle orgasm, she leaned down and kissed him, then rolled over next to him and ran her fingers over his chest, sighing contentedly.

They cuddled for a bit, Teddy kissing her gently, murmuring love words to her. When she finally turned onto her back, she laid her hand on her stomach and hoped he had gotten her pregnant that night.

 _ **~nashville~**_

It had been a great night in Dallas. The energy in the arena had been incredible. Deacon wasn't sure what had been different that night, but the show had felt inspired. When they came off the stage, Rayna turned to him out of habit. She put her hand on his arm and smiled up at him. "That felt great," she said. "Didn't it to you?""

He nodded and smiled back. "You killed it, Ray. Just like always." He put his hand on her arm. There was a moment when it felt like everything around them faded to black. He could see something there in her eyes. He felt that electricity he always did whenever they had occasion to touch or brush up against each other. It had taken a long time for them both to feel comfortable with any kind of physical touching, although he knew for him, at least, it brought up all kinds of long-repressed feelings.

"I really couldn't do this without you, Deacon," she said softly.

Deacon took a deep breath. Being this close to her always brought up all the old feelings. Even when he didn't want them to be there, it was hard. Now that they'd developed a more comfortable relationship, he'd find himself sometimes thinking back to the old days. Then the mood was broken by Maddie's little voice. "Mama!" she cried. They both turned to watch Rayna's little girl rush from the side stage. Rayna leaned down, her arms spread open as Maddie ran to her. He swallowed hard as he looked over to see first Teddy, a smirk on his face, and then Taylor, with a look in her eyes he couldn't quite read.


	7. What Do I Do With My Heart

Deacon drew in a deep breath and headed towards Taylor, waiting for him on the side stage. She looked at him with an odd expression. "Can we talk a minute?" she asked.

He nodded. "Sure."

She shook her head. "Not here. Can we go somewhere private?"

He frowned. This didn't sound good. "We could go back to the hotel," he said.

He saw some kind of emotion briefly cross her face, but then she just looked at him with a calmness, a resoluteness even. She gave him a tiny smile. "Yeah, sure, that's fine."

* * *

She took his hands in hers and looked into his eyes. He could see sadness there and he was afraid he knew how this conversation was going to go. "I'm gonna go on back to Nashville tonight," she said. She squeezed his hands when she saw him start to say something. "Don't. Just let me finish." He sensed compassion in her voice, not what he would have expected.

"Okay," he said.

She ran her tongue over her lips. "I think you're still kind of in love with Rayna," she said quietly. "And I'm wondering if you're really ready to be all in with another relationship."

He frowned. "That ain't true," he protested. "You and me…this is good. We got a good thing."

She sat back. "We do. We did. But I'm not her. And I'm not sure you're really over her."

He leaned forward, his eyes filled with sadness. He had a lump in his throat. He didn't want it to be over. "I don't want you to go. It's just, you know, been hard being in her band," he said. "I…I love you." The words didn't feel quite right, but he really didn't want her to leave him.

She sighed, reaching out with her hand to smooth down his hair. "You don't have to say that, Deacon," she said sadly. "It's really okay. Y'all were together for a long time and it didn't seem like your break up was a really good one. But I can see it in your eyes, when you look at her, when you're on stage with her." She took a deep breath. "When her little girl came out tonight, I could see how much you wanted that all to be yours." She hesitated just a moment, then moved to sit on his lap, putting her arms around his shoulders. "You know, it's okay. This time together has been great. I care about you so much, but I don't want to get hurt. When it was just us, when we first met, it seemed different, but this is who you are. This is what you do. And I can't keep doing this. I keep telling myself I'm wrong, but I'm just not sure."

He had his arms around her waist and pulled her close. "Don't go tonight," he said. "It's late. We can talk about it tomorrow."

She shook her head. "I feel like if I don't go now, I won't. I want you to really think about this, about us, about _her_ , and figure out where you want to be." She looked at him intently. "I'm not mad at you, Deacon. But I do feel sad for you. You need to figure out how to get past her. She's got a husband. And a family. I hate to see you pine away after something you can't have."

She tried to pull out of his arms, but he tightened his hold. "Please don't go," he pleaded. She bit her lip, looking uncertain, but she relaxed a bit. "You're right, she and me, we had this long, complicated relationship. And I didn't want it to be over. But she kicked me out, she married Teddy Conrad, and she's been real clear she's moved on." He sighed. "I been trying to do the same thing. You really helped. I don't wanna screw this up. Just tell me what you need and I'll do it."

A tear ran down her cheek and she swiped at it with the heel of her hand, then she looked away. "I don't know," she said, her voice catching. "I don't know if I can do this."

He moved his hand to her face and gently pressed her head to his shoulder. "I'm sorry, baby," he said. "I want you to stay. I'll do better. I promise."

She sighed and didn't move for a moment. Then she sat up and looked at him, putting her hands on his cheeks. "I'm gonna leave in the morning." He tensed as she said that. She looked at him intently. "I'll be there when you get back. But you've gotta figure this out. We'll talk when you're back in Nashville and see where we are." He breathed a sigh of relief, but then she frowned. "I don't know where we'll end up, Deacon. I've got a lot to think about too."

He nodded. "We'll figure it out," he said. "I promise."

* * *

The next morning, she left early. He'd fitted himself behind her in the bed, his arm tight around her waist, but they both had a restless night. She stood at the door and looked at him sadly. "I guess I'll see you in a couple weeks," was all she said. She reached out and put her hand on his cheek, then turned and, grabbing her suitcase, headed out the door.

He stood in the middle of the room, staring at the closed door. He rubbed his face with his hands, then breathed out. _What am I supposed to do with this?_ It didn't matter if he wasn't over Rayna, was still in love with her. She was married. She and Teddy had a daughter. He'd destroyed the two of them back before he'd gone to rehab that last time. He knew Taylor was right, though. He _did_ still love Rayna, would probably _always_ love Rayna. But he needed to get past it. Figure out a way to fix this thing with Taylor. Somehow. Some way. He made an angry noise. _What am I supposed to do with this?_

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna pretended not to watch Deacon leave the stage, focusing on Maddie and then Teddy, who followed Maddie out. Teddy didn't often come out to visit, but this was a special weekend and she'd been glad he'd made the effort. He was leaving early the next morning, with Maddie, to do Christmas related activities. That it also happened to be a weekend when Deacon's girlfriend had come to visit was coincidence, but she was glad for Teddy to see that Deacon was moving on, at last. He had somewhat relaxed his hardline stance on Deacon, but she could still see the tension whenever the two crossed paths or when they were close by each other.

As she let Teddy take her in his arms, she half-closed her eyes but still could see Deacon and Taylor talk for a moment and then walk off. Not hand-in-hand as they usually did, but at a slight distance from each other. She wondered about that, if it meant anything. Her thoughts about the two of them had been all over the map. She knew she had no right to feel anything, but she did. It was hard to watch him with someone else, but she also realized it was probably hard for him to watch her with Teddy.

She reached her arm around and patted Teddy on the back. She stepped back from him and put on her performance smile. "Let's go, babe. I know y'all have to get up early, so we should get some sleep," she said.

Teddy kissed her. "I'm hoping we can have a little time together first," he said, with a smile. Then he picked Maddie up and, putting his arm around her waist, led them out of the arena.

Rayna took a deep breath. _This is the life I chose. This will protect us._

 _ **~nashville~**_

After Taylor left, Deacon made his way to the rehearsal space at the arena. Usually he appreciated a multiple night stop on the tour, but he hadn't slept much after the conversation with Taylor. He needed to get some coffee right away. He was feeling rough, both physically and emotionally. He'd replayed the conversation over and over in his head. _I hate to see you pine away after something you can't have_. He rubbed his hands over his face. He'd tried so hard to make things work, but he realized he hadn't done enough. He couldn't have Rayna. Taylor had been right about that. He needed to focus on her.

He shook his head, hoping when he got back to Nashville that they still had a chance. He walked up to the craft services area and straight for the coffee station. He poured a cup, forgoing any sugar, needing the bitter taste. He took a sip, then another. He could feel his head clearing as he walked towards the stage. He tried to focus on the mechanics of the show that night, the set list, the placement of everyone on the stage. He wondered about moving 'Already Gone' into the regular set list and switching it out with 'Cumberland Girl' for the last encore. Maybe they could work through that to see how it felt. He drained the coffee cup and tossed it into a nearby trash can.

"Hey," Rayna said as she walked up behind him. He turned to face her.

"Hey." He thought to himself that she didn't look well. She wasn't wearing makeup and she had her hair pulled back into a ponytail, which was normal for her during rehearsals, but her face looked drawn and her eyes didn't look clear. He wondered if she was getting sick. That could be a problem on stage, so he hoped not. But maybe it was just because Teddy was leaving. She'd told him Teddy was taking Maddie back to Nashville ahead of all the holidays.

She looked around. "Where's Taylor?" she asked.

He clenched his jaw and frowned slightly. "She went back to Nashville," he said.

Rayna looked puzzled. "Wasn't she staying until we left tomorrow?" she asked.

He scowled. "She's not here, Rayna. That's all." He really didn't want to talk about it with her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Then she looked like she _really_ didn't feel well and she turned and hurried away from him.

He frowned as he watched her for a brief second, then turned back towards craft services and the coffee.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna hurried as fast as she could to the restroom. She barely made it into a stall before she fell to her knees and threw up. She hovered over the toilet for a few minutes and then, after flushing, she sat back against the cool metal of the stall, reaching for toilet paper to wipe off her mouth. She realized that she was crying and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.

She took several deep breaths and then finally pushed herself up from the floor. She walked out to the sink and rinsed her mouth. Then she looked up and into the mirror. Her skin looked pasty and there were faint dark circles under her eyes. Life was always throwing you curve balls when you weren't expecting it. She had drawn her line in the sand with respect to her relationship with Deacon. Being married had helped her stay on her side, even when her emotions would sometimes falter.

And then Taylor had appeared. Why she'd never thought Deacon would move on, she didn't know. It wasn't like she hadn't told him, in any number of different ways, to do that, none so clear as her marriage to someone else. It had thrown her off-kilter, at first, to see him with someone else, to see him enjoying himself, smiling for a change. It never failed to kick her in the gut, but as time went on, she had learned to put it all neatly away in one of the little boxes where she kept all the other emotions and feelings she didn't want coming to the surface.

Once she'd gotten to know Taylor, she had to admit she liked her and she thought she was good for Deacon. She wondered what had happened to cause her to leave early, but at the same time she didn't really want to know. She was afraid it had something to do with feelings Deacon might still have for her. If she were honest with herself, she thought he probably did still have feelings for her. She felt so torn. She worked hard at keeping her own feelings locked away, forcing herself to keep him at arms' length, even when a part of her didn't want to. But it didn't really matter now. Because she'd finally told Teddy she was ready to have another baby and now she was pregnant.

* * *

Rayna was exhausted, despite the fact that she was home on a tour break and should have been more relaxed. As she lay on the bed with Maddie lightly snoring beside her, she realized she was tired. Not so much physically tired - that had passed - but tired of holding herself apart from Deacon. She knew they wouldn't be lovers again, but she was tired of denying them the chance to be friends. He'd been back with her for almost three years now and they still did little more than talk about her set lists and how to arrange a song. She was satisfied with the life she had with Teddy and Maddie and she'd put all of those feelings she'd had for Deacon in a little box.

But he was the one who had always been there for her, back in those early days when she was scared, of getting on stage, of defying her father, of what to do next. He'd been there to hold her hand, both figuratively and literally. He had encouraged her, stood beside her, listened to her. When they made music together they had known immediately, both of them, that it was special. And it still was. The fact that they were no longer a couple didn't mean the music they made together was any less great. It actually seemed like all that history just made it better.

She put her hand on her stomach. She was finally starting to show and she knew she needed to tell people. She'd covered it up over the last few weeks with blousy tops and tunics, but that wasn't going to work for much longer. Of course she and Teddy had told her father and Tandy at Christmas, and they'd been sworn to secrecy until they made a public announcement. And they'd also told Teddy's mother, Elizabeth, who had been living in an Alzheimer's home for longer than Rayna had known Teddy. Elizabeth, who sometimes forgot who Teddy was, never remembered who Rayna was, but always knew Maddie, whenever they went to visit her. They had told her about the new baby, but she never asked about it again, that little piece of information seemingly lost in the fog she lived in.

She wanted to tell Deacon. _Needed_ to tell Deacon. He was still her family. She thought it might hurt him, because she thought he still harbored hopes for them, but she needed to tell him first. And she wanted to tell him she was ready for them to start being more than just two people standing on a stage together. She needed him back in her life. They were leaving the next day for the West Coast leg of the tour. That would be a new beginning for them, she promised herself.

She looked over at Maddie. _She's the reason._ More than anything, she wanted Deacon in Maddie's life. If she couldn't tell him she was his daughter, she at least wanted him to be a part of her life, watch her grow up. _It might not be enough, but it's what I can do._

* * *

She had everything she needed in the foyer. Most of her suitcases had gone on the bus earlier in the week, set to be waiting for her when they got to LA. She checked herself in the large mirror over the bench near the front door. The tunic she was wearing neatly covered her small bump. It was cut in such a way that it wasn't at all apparent she was pregnant. If history was any judge, that wouldn't last too much longer though.

"You look beautiful," came Teddy's voice from behind her. She turned towards him and smiled. He had Maddie in his arms and he was smiling appreciatively at her.

"Thanks, babe," she said warmly, waiting for him to walk over to her. When he did, she reached her hands up to cup his face and leaned in for a light kiss. She looked at Maddie and grinned at her daughter. "You ready, sweet girl?" she asked.

"Yes!" Maddie cried out, reaching out for her mother. Rayna took her from Teddy and then set her on the floor. Maddie turned and looked back up at Teddy. "On a plane, Daddy!" she shouted.

Teddy and Rayna smiled at her and then at each other. "I think she's excited about the plane ride," Teddy said with a laugh.

Rayna was glad he'd finally stopped nagging her about taking Maddie on tour. It wouldn't be much longer before it was time for their daughter to start pre-school and then she would spend most of her time in Nashville with her father. Rayna really wanted to have as much time with her daughter as she could and Maddie.

"I'm going to tell Bucky about the baby, when I get to California," she said. "Then I guess we're ready for it to be public knowledge."

Teddy nodded. "Please be careful, Rayna," he said.

Rayna fought the urge to roll her eyes. As soon as she'd found out she was pregnant, Teddy had been pressuring her to stop touring. Even after her doctor gave the all-clear, he was agitated about it. But it had worked out perfectly, with the end of the tour already scheduled for just before Easter, when she'd be about five and a half months along. Instead she gave him a tight smile. "Of course I will, Teddy," she said. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the limo approach. "Okay, here's our ride." She grabbed Maddie's hand and looked down at her daughter. "Let's go, sweet pea," she said.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon walked up to Rayna, who was sitting outside by the hotel pool at one of the umbrella covered tables. They'd arrived in LA the night before and had a day off before the show the next night. He took the seat next to her. "How'd you sleep?" he asked.

She gave him a wry smile. "Not too bad, all things considered. Maddie was up way too early today though. Time change means nothing to her." He chuckled. "How's Taylor?" she asked.

He nodded. "Good," he said, his tone short. She'd finally asked him if everything was okay with Taylor, when she'd stopped coming out to visit. He'd danced around the answer, not wanting to tell her that Taylor was uncomfortable being around her and that it had almost ended the relationship. Things were still unsettled between the two of them. Him being out on the road with Rayna was a giant obstacle they had to work around. The long stretches of time apart were both a blessing and a curse.

Rayna apparently realized he didn't want to talk about it still, because she settled back in her chair. He got up and went to get coffee. When he came back he set a cup down in front of her and then sat back down. She made a face and pushed the coffee to the opposite side of the table. He frowned. "No caffeine today?" he asked.

She shook her head. She turned to look at him, but he couldn't see her eyes, as they were covered with her dark sunglasses. "God, no," she said. "I can't even stand the smell of it right now."

He sat up a little straighter and his frown turned into a look of real concern. "Are you sick? Do you need something?" he asked.

She waved him off, grimacing just a little. "Not sick," she said. "At least not the way you think."

"I don't understand."

She sighed. "I really haven't told people yet," she said, then paused. She sighed again. "I'm pregnant."

He was speechless for a moment. He hadn't expected that and yet, he knew he shouldn't be surprised. He knew she'd always wanted more than one child and he was sure she didn't intend for Maddie to be an only child. His emotions were all over the place, though. He felt sadness and confusion but he knew it was probably what she wanted. He smiled just a little. "Congratulations?" he said, hedging his bets.

She shook her head and then smiled. "I'm happy about it," she said, "but, you know, I've had a touch of morning sickness and then certain foods and smells just turn me off." She laughed. "Like coffee. Which makes me very, very sad."

He wasn't sure what he was supposed to ask. What was reasonable for him to ask. "So, what…when….," he started.

She slid down just a little in the chair, leaning back slightly. "I'm fourteen weeks. Which means when we finish the tour, I'll be around twenty-two weeks. So about five and a half months. My doctor said it was fine for me to keep touring and I actually feel really good." She smiled again. "I had a little morning sickness early on, but that went away pretty fast and it actually didn't interfere with the performing part. I wanted to wait until after the first trimester to tell people, but, I don't know, I just haven't done that yet." She breathed in. "Until now."

He looked away, taking a deep breath, and then swallowed hard. _I ain't got no right to feel…anything about this._ He looked back at her. "This is what you wanted?" he asked.

She nodded. "I love being Maddie's mama. And, you know, I always wanted two, at least." She turned in her seat to face towards him. She opened her mouth as though she were going to say something, then closed it. She looked away and then back at him. "I always thought this would be us," she said quietly.

That startled him. He took a deep breath and looked away. His heart felt like it was in his throat. _Where is she going with this?_ He looked down. "I did too, Ray," he said, his voice catching. Then he looked at her. "I'm so sorry I screwed us up."

She bit her lip. "We both made mistakes," she said finally. Then she sighed and looked out towards the pool. "We've been working together now, again, for three and a half years and I realized that we rarely talk about ourselves, about our lives, about us. It's like we want to pretend all that never happened. Or I guess _I_ did." She looked back at him. "But it did, Deacon." She smiled then, a smile of sadness and irony. "Some of it, most of it actually, was really, really good. I don't want to pretend anymore. Like it never happened."

He was still confused a little. He frowned. "I don't know what you want, Rayna," he said.

She put her elbow on the arm of the chair and rested her chin on her fist. "Deacon, you're my _family_. You'll always be my family. You're Maddie's Uncle Deacon. We shared a lot of life together and that doesn't just go away," she said.

He looked at her incredulously. "Rayna, you're _married_. We don't got _anything_ together anymore, because you're _married_. To someone else." He leaned back and rubbed his hands over his face.

"Well, maybe I am married, but that doesn't mean we don't have anything together. You're my friend, my family. You know me better than anyone. Including Teddy. We share something very special. Our music. You and me and music, there's just nothing that separates that." She sighed. "This working together has been good. Great. I want us to keep doing it, together. And I just think we need to honor all of that…history between us, you know?"

He considered what she said. "Why?" he asked, his heart hurting. He didn't want to just honor their history. Too much of who he was was tied up in Rayna Jaymes. His heart was tied up in her. Still.

"I care about you, Deacon. I love you. Not the way I did, but as someone who's so important to me. I want us to be able to share things with each other, not shut each other out."

He laughed sarcastically. "And what about Teddy?" he asked.

She shook her head. "He'll just have to understand. I never told him I'd cut you out of my life. And I don't want to do that." She breathed out. "I appreciate that you accepted my boundaries. And that you honored them. Still honor them. We may not be romantically involved anymore, but that doesn't mean we can't be really good friends. That we can't care about each other and support each other's dreams." She turned and sat back in her chair, her hands folded across her stomach. "I need you, Deacon. I need us to be able to be, I don't know, close again. Like best friends are." She looked over at him. "Can we do that?"

He thought about that for a minute. He wasn't sure he would ever not love her and he wasn't sure he could just be a friend when he still loved her. It hurt when she said she loved him, but not the same way. He'd always thought her feelings hadn't changed, but clearly he'd been wrong. But she was right, they were family, and she knew him better than anyone else. The truth was he didn't want to live a life she wasn't in, whatever the cost. He worked his lip and then turned to her. "Yeah, we can do that," he said.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna was a little late getting to rehearsal. They had a day off in Omaha and made plans to get together for a short rehearsal. But Maddie was fussy that day and Rayna hadn't wanted to leave her with the babysitter until she'd calmed down. She held her until her daughter's eyes slowly closed and her little body relaxed into sleep. Mia had come over and gently taken Maddie from Rayna's arms and walked her over to her bed. Rayna sat on the edge of the bed, just watching Maddie sleep for a few minutes. Then she got up.

"I'm going to run over to rehearsal," she whispered to Mia. "I won't be gone too long."

Mia shook her head. "Don't worry, Ms. Jaymes, she'll be fine. She was just overexcited. Now that she's down for a nap, she'll be her usual happy self when she wakes up."

Rayna made a face. Maddie was a handful, even without being overexcited. Tandy had told her that Maddie had her personality, back when she herself had been little. Demanding, a little sullen when she didn't get her way. But Rayna knew better. Maddie was like Deacon, brooding and intense. While she could see the resemblances to Deacon, Maddie looked enough like her that most people wouldn't have noticed. She'd been relieved that Deacon hadn't ever seemed to question that Maddie was Teddy's daughter.

Deacon's commitment to being sober had surprised her, causing her to wonder, more than once, about whether she'd given up on him too soon. A conversation with Cole had helped to give her clarity. _He's doing good, Rayna. Really good. And I think a big reason for that is that he's doing it for himself. I know it's tempting to wonder what if, but keep this in mind. An alcoholic is just one bump in the road from falling off the wagon. You have a real good thing right now, with Teddy and your daughter. You made the right choice, both for you and for Deacon._ She knew he was right and she knew, too, that being married to Teddy gave them both that boundary that kept them from tempting fate. It was the right choice.

She grabbed up her purse and hurried out the door, before Maddie could wake up.

* * *

She only had three more weeks on the tour and then she'd be on maternity leave until after the new baby came. She hoped to at least start on her next album while she was off, but that would mean listening to a lot of demos and hoping she could put enough on hold to fill the album. She'd tried writing on her own and still felt stuck. She and Deacon had even tried a couple times to write together, but they would end up just scratching everything out and walking away. She knew it was her fault. She always felt empty, with words that just didn't work.

When she got to the rehearsal hall, she could hear Deacon singing before she even got halfway down the hallway. When she got to the side stage, she stood in the shadows and watched and listened. He was seated, with the other band members around him. Some were playing along with him, others just listening. She could see in his face the joy he took in his music. She felt a lump in her throat as she continued to watch.

 _I wouldn't mind marryin' but I can't stand settlin' down / I wouldn't mind marryin' but I can't stand settlin' down / I'm gonna act like a preacher and ride from town to town to town_

I'm leaving town, cryin' won't make me stay / I'm leaving town, cryin' won't make me stay / Baby the more you cry, the further you drive me away

As he finished up, she walked out, putting a smile on her face. "That was great!" she said.

Deacon stood, as though he was afraid he'd messed up. "We were just messing around while we waited," he said, biting his lip.

 _I miss making music with him. Not just singing with him or performing, but making music with him. I wish we could figure out how to make that work._ She shook her head. "That's okay. I'm sorry I was late." She smiled apologetically. "Maddie was a little fussy and I wanted to make sure she was down for a nap." She looked around. "But I'm ready now, if y'all are."

 _ **~nashville~**_

She called him early one afternoon about two weeks after the tour was over. "I want to write," she said.

"Write?" he'd asked, not really understanding what she meant.

She sighed, as though he was simple-minded. "Write songs, Deacon," she said, a hint of irritation in her voice. "I know we've talked about it off and on and I was, I don't know, not sure, but I am now. I want to write. With you. Do you want to write with me?"

He was speechless for a moment. They'd tried before, but it hadn't gone well. They couldn't write the kind of songs they'd written when they were together and they hardly knew how to write anything else. He'd been writing songs of longing and loss about her for several years, but that wasn't going to be right either. He wasn't sure he could write a normal, not-love song with her. "Sure, I guess," he said finally.

"I'm taking Maddie to the park. Can you meet me there? There are picnic tables. We could write there."

He took a deep breath. "Sure. What park?"

"Percy Warner. Meet me at the entrance. In an hour?"

"I'll be there."

When he got there, she was sitting on the stone wall that bordered the stone steps that led into the park. Maddie was sitting next to her and, when she saw him, she jumped off the wall. "Deacon!" she cried out, jumping up and down in her little cowgirl boots.

He couldn't help but grin. Damn, but that little girl could lift his spirits. He waved. "Hey, Maddie," he called out as he approached. Rayna looked up at him and smiled. "Hey, Ray."

 _God, but she looks gorgeous._ It was a warm day and she was wearing shorts and a tank top and sandals, sunglasses on her face. "Hey there," she said, as she absentmindedly rubbed her belly. He thought she practically glowed. Her face looked a little fuller, her cheeks pink. She looked…lush, ripe. He would never have thought a pregnant woman could look sexy, but Rayna looked sexy, and he could hardly stop looking at her. She stood up then. "You ready?" she asked.

All he could do was nod. He swallowed hard as he realized he was feeling a little aroused, just looking at her. She grabbed Maddie's hand and then he was surprised when Maddie grabbed his free hand as well. Rayna led the way down the path to where there were tables and the thought crossed his mind that they could have been a family. Married, with a daughter and another one on the way. He felt a mix of sadness and need and tried to push it aside.

* * *

He watched Rayna get Maddie situated in a nearby sandbox and found himself jiggling his leg. It was always hard to move past his feelings for her, but it had taken him aback to find that he still felt that way. It made him think about how right Taylor might have been in her assessment. He remembered feeling hopeless when she'd told him she was pregnant, as though it closed the door on that dream forever. She was tied to Teddy for sure now, more than ever. He looked up as she walked back to sit across from him. She reached into her bag and pulled out paper and a pencil.

He reached across the table and pulled the pad towards him and took the pencil from her hand. He scribbled down the first verse for what would become 'Changing Ground' and then slid it back over to her. "Think we could come up with something to go with that?" he asked.

Rayna pulled the notepad close and read over the words. _I have stood on the changing ground / I have walked like a man in chains / I tried hard to do my best / But I could not make my way_. She looked at him carefully. "This is about you, isn't it?" she asked.

He worked his lip a moment and then rubbed his face with his hands. "I guess," he said, with a nod. "Kind of."

She sat back a bit and looked at him. "What do you want to say in the song?" she asked.

He breathed in. "We go through stuff, and it's hard. It feels like we're lost until we take one right step…"

She smiled. "And head on to the promised land, right?" He nodded. She started to write, marking through a word here or there, frowning once or twice, and then finally she put the pencil down and pushed it back over to him.

He reached for it and read what she'd written. _Oh, trouble was on my tail / And he followed me like a hound / Till I moved one step / On to glory / And off of that changing ground._ He looked back at her and smiled. "I think we got us a song, Ray," he said.

 _ **The song Deacon sang at rehearsal was Matchbox Blues.  
**_


	8. The Rivers Between Us

It was Rayna's first night back on stage after Daphne's birth. She'd chosen to do it at the Opry, since it would only require her to do two songs. She and Deacon were waiting in their dressing room for their cue to go on. She was up, pacing, and Deacon was sitting on the couch. She shook out her hands and then clenched and unclenched her fingers. Deacon had his guitar on his lap and was running through some chords. Finally he looked up at her. "It's gonna be good, Ray," he said.

She turned and looked at him as though she'd forgotten he was there. She breathed out. "Yeah. Yeah, I know, but, you know, it's been so long."

He shook his head. "Not that long. Six months. You were off longer with Maddie, right?"

She thought about that. "Yeah, you're right. That was a little over a year." She stopped pacing and stood with her hands on her hips. "You think they'll like the new song?"

"'Changing Ground'? Yeah, they'll like it. It's a good song, Ray." He knew it was kind of a test. They'd attempted to write together several times and each time, she'd balked. But they'd written 'Changing Ground' sitting on a park bench at Percy Warner Park, while she'd watched Maddie playing in the sandbox. She was six months pregnant with Daphne and it had felt safe, to both of them.

 _It had felt a little like a breakthrough. They'd written the song, including the music, in less than an hour and a half. He got up onto the picnic table with his guitar and they'd sung it through. When they finished, they had just looked at each other for a moment._

 _Rayna laid her hand over her heart. "Wow," she breathed out. "That was really…good."_

 _He smiled. "It was great." He bit down on his lip. "It felt good," he said, cautiously, not sure where it would lead._

 _She looked a little breathless, a little teary. "I thought we'd never be able to do that again," she said softly. "I was afraid we couldn't write anything…different, you know?"_

 _He nodded. "I think we can write anything, Ray. You and me, we can put words together, whatever the words are. Don't have to be love songs anymore, so long as they're still our truth."_

" _I guess that's true," she said. Then she started laughing, infectious laughing that got him laughing too. When they finally stopped, they were both breathless and had tears in their eyes. Then suddenly she gasped, looking a little startled. She put her hand on her belly and looked down. He felt panic rise up in his chest, thinking something was wrong._

" _Rayna…" he said, his heart in his throat._

 _She didn't say anything at first, but then she looked up at him and smiled. "I just felt her move," she said. "I could feel Maddie earlier than this, so I was a little worried, but…there she is."_

 _He didn't know quite what to say. He knew this was probably a moment she should be sharing with Teddy, but deep down inside he was happy to be there with her. She had a softness to her smile, kind of a wonder in her eyes, and he found himself wishing again that he could have been the one to make her this happy._

 _ **~nashville~**_

They had just finished singing 'Changing Ground', the first time they'd performed it on stage. It had just been released as the first single off her upcoming album. She'd been happy with it and the crowd response was enthusiastic. It had felt comfortable singing something she and Deacon had written together and it had given her hope they could continue to write more together in the future. They waited out the applause and then were supposed to start into 'Already Gone'. Deacon hadn't started playing, though, which confused her. She glanced over at him and noticed he wasn't looking at her at all, but off towards the side stage. She turned in that direction and gasped as she saw Little Jimmy Dickens walk over towards her.

She knew immediately why he was there and she felt tears spring to her eyes. She turned to look at Deacon and he was smiling at her. She looked back at Little Jimmy, who'd come over to stand in front of her. "Miss Rayna Jaymes?" he said, taking her hand. She just smiled at him. "It's been a little while since you been here, little lady, hasn't it?"

"It has," she whispered. She could hardly form words, she was so overcome.

"I heard you just had a baby," he went on.

She nodded. "I did."

"So why don't we celebrate that tonight?" he said, a huge smile on his face. He turned toward the crowd, who roared its approval. He turned back to her and squeezed her hand. "You know you're one of my very favorite people, Rayna, and I'm so honored that the management here asked me to ask you if you'd like to be the next member of the Grand Ole Opry."

She felt like she was in a dream. The crowd was cheering. Deacon came over and hugged her and she clung to him for a moment, not quite believing this was happening. Then she turned back to Little Jimmy and took his hand in both of hers and said, "Of course. Yes!" There was cheering and loud applause and she was beaming.

When the audience quieted down a bit, Little Jimmy smiled up at her. "Miss Rayna, can you come back here in two weeks so that we can officially induct you into the Grand Ole Opry?"

By this point, she was so overcome with emotion and the tears were streaking down her face, and all she could do was nod. She looked over at Deacon and he was beaming at her. She knew he understood, more than anyone else, how important this was to her and all she could think about in that moment was how glad she was he was with her for it.

 _ **~nashville~**_

It felt like home being on the Opry stage. He remembered the first time they'd been asked to play at the Opry. She was barely twenty and he was twenty-three. She had told him so many times how much she wanted to sing at the Opry. They'd pulled together enough money to go to the show once and she'd sat transfixed as she'd watched some of her heroes on stage – Jeannie Seely, Jan Howard, 'Whispering' Bill Anderson, John Conlee, and one of her favorites, Lorrie Morgan. She'd had such stars in her eyes and he'd loved watching her that night.

When she made her Opry debut – his first time too – she started talking as soon as she got up to the mic and finally giggled a little as she'd said, "I guess we need to sing. That's why we're here." The crowd had laughed indulgently and then they'd done their two numbers, 'Already Gone' and 'Cumberland Girl'. They'd gotten an enthusiastic response and Rayna had literally danced off the stage.

It had been the first of many appearances for her. When he glanced over at the side stage as they were finishing 'Changing Ground', he'd seen Little Jimmy Dickens. He wasn't on the bill for the night and Deacon knew immediately why he was there. He felt so proud to be there the night Rayna would finally get her dream of being asked to join the Opry. He felt tears in his eyes and he blinked them back.

As she stood there after the invitation, stunned, he'd walked over and hugged her. She clung to him. "I can't believe it," she'd whispered in his ear.

"You done it, Ray," he said and then let her go. He was so proud of her and he was so grateful that he was able to be there with her.

 _ **~nashville~**_

 _Deacon had found this place a short walking distance from Sound Check. Although they'd met several times at Percy Warner Park to write, she'd felt uncomfortable and exposed there, even if she was doing nothing wrong. People knew her in Belle Meade and she didn't want the gossip._

 _The first time they went there was a month after Daphne was born, on a day when Maddie was cranky and complaining about "your baby" and Daphne was fussy as well. Mia shooed her out of the house when she'd found Rayna near tears._

 _She had called Deacon. "Can you meet me at Sound Check?" she asked._

" _Sure. What's up?"_

" _I just have to get out of the house. Or I'll go crazy."_

 _He met her in the parking lot and then suggested they walk. She couldn't help but think this was the perfect place for them to talk privately. A long-forgotten stone picnic bench along the river. It had been a small park at one time, he'd told her, before they built the road above it. The bridge had a large shoulder, where a car could easily park, and it was a short walk along an overgrown path from Sound Check._

 _They sat quietly for a few minutes, shoulder to shoulder, almost touching. Deacon leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and he sucked the air in between his teeth as he squinted into the sun. She sat with her hands clasped between her legs, her head tilted slightly back and her eyes closed._

" _So what's going on?" he asked._

 _She opened her eyes and turned to look at him. She leaned in and bumped his shoulder with her own, then sighed. "Maddie's not happy with her sister today," she said. "Loudly."_

 _He chuckled. "Maybe she just needs a nap," he said._

 _She smiled. "Maybe you're right. I just couldn't handle any more crying and fussiness."_

 _He looked at her a moment and smiled. "It's good to see you, Ray," he said._

 _She nodded. "You too." She felt that familiar quiver inside that she tried to suppress. "I've missed you. Missed us." She hadn't seen him since before Daphne was born, although they'd talked on the phone, when Teddy wasn't around. She smiled at him. "How's Taylor?"_

 _He breathed in and looked out over the river. "She's good. Things are good." He looked back at her. "How's Teddy?"_

 _Her smile got tight. "Good. Things are good," she said softly. He'd made his point._

She heard the truck door slam shut and she turned to look over her shoulder. She smiled as she watched him put his hand down on the stone wall and agilely jump over the wall to the hill below it. He hustled down and hopped up onto the stone seat and then turned to sit on the table top. He turned to look at her and smiled. "That was a big ass night last night," he said, gently bumping his shoulder against hers.

She threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, my God," she said. She looked back at him. "That was my dream. You remember."

He nodded and raised his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah, I remember," he said. "If you told me once, you told me a thousand times, all you wanted was to be asked to be a member of the Grand Ole Opry."

She made a face and swatted his arm. "I think a thousand is an exaggeration," she said.

He grinned. "Not by much," he said with a laugh. He bit his lip. "So you thought about what you wanna sing?" He breathed in. "Maybe one of the old songs?"

She looked at him a moment, then shook her head. She looked down and then out across the river. "I've been thinking about it all night. I think we should write something special for this," she said finally. They were quiet for a few minutes and then she turned to look at him, a serious look on her face. "I love you, Deacon. You're my best friend, my family. You know me better than anyone knows me. You know, we may not be together anymore, but we're still a team. You're my partner. Professionally anyway. This means something. And you know I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for you. _I_ know that. I don't ever forget that if it weren't for you, there would be no Rayna Jaymes. There's no music, for me, without you."

She could see all the different emotions running across his face, being telegraphed through his eyes. _Everything I just said is true, though. And I couldn't do this without him._ He finally broke her gaze and rubbed his hands over his face. Then he looked back at her. "You sure?" She nodded. "What do you want to say?"

She shrugged. "I'm not sure. I want it to be something real though. Something that feels like _us_." She breathed in deeply. "We've written a lot of songs together. And I know most of them were love songs and we're just not in that place anymore." She looked at him a little sadly. "But who we were together, the core of it, we still are. We came together because of the music and we are still together because of the music." She smiled sadly. "And even if the love story isn't the same anymore, there still is a great love and respect. We're connected. We'll always be connected, I know that. Don't you?"

He looked at her like he wanted to say something, but he just took a deep breath instead. Then he looked out over the river. She could see the tension in his jaw, but she didn't say anything. Finally he turned back to her. "So what are you saying, Ray?" he asked.

"I want the song to be a tribute to us. You, me, the music, _us_. I mean, I might be getting the honor, but it's because of _us_." She clenched her hands in her lap. "Can we do that?"

He raised his eyebrows and then he gave her a quick nod. "Yeah," he said.

 _ **~nashville~**_

When she said "I love you, Deacon", he'd felt a surge in his heart, but then he remembered she'd only meant it in the way she would say that to someone close to her. Not the way she'd said it when they were together. Not the way she said it to Teddy these days. And he felt incredible sadness. Not only because she didn't mean it the way he wanted her to, the way he would mean it if he said it to her, but because that was past. If he'd ever wondered if they had a chance, Daphne seemed to close that door. Rayna had born another child with Teddy and, to him, that meant she was committed to her marriage and her husband. That there was no place for him in her heart anymore. Besides, he had Taylor now.

When she said she wanted the song to be a tribute to "us", he wanted to ask her which "us" she meant. It turned out to be a question he asked himself often, over the years. It seemed to him that "us" was fluid and that there was certainly a lot more below the surface between the two of them than they wanted to acknowledge.

He'd played around with some lyrics and, when they met the next day to work on the song, he pushed the piece of paper he'd written them on across the table, without saying anything. He watched her as she read them. _The rivers between us are deep / And dark as the secrets we keep / We stand on the shores / Time running by at our feet / Oh, the rivers between us are deep._

She breathed in and then looked up at him. "That's beautiful," she whispered.

He swallowed hard. "Was that what you was thinking?" he asked.

She spread her fingers over the sheet of paper as she looked down at it again. He thought he caught a little shakiness, but then she tapped the fingers of her right hand and he decided he'd been wrong about that. She looked back at him and smiled. "Yeah," she said, a sense of wonder in her voice. "This is exactly what I was thinking."

He breathed a sigh of relief and then smiled, a little shyly. "Good. I'm glad." He took the paper back. "What's next?"

She bit her lip as she thought. "Something about the love rising up too fast and then fading out. Maybe that's the chorus." She stopped and looked past him. He could tell the wheels were turning, something had sparked, beyond what she'd just said. He waited her out, like always. This was how it was for them when they wrote, throwing out lines, even just words sometimes, then coming back to make sense of them. "Something about being kept apart and living their lives in the dark spaces." She ran her tongue over her bottom lip. "You think about it sometimes, don't you?" she asked, her voice quiet. "Think about the old days and how all of that…stuff kept _us_ apart?"

He breathed in. "It wasn't you that done that, Ray," he said. "It was all on me. I know that. All the walls, all the barriers, that's on me."

She rubbed her face, then gave him a sad smile. "It all seems like a lifetime ago, you know?" She tilted her head just a bit and squinted into the sun. "There was a lot of darkness then. A lot happened then. Maybe stuff that needs to stay in the dark. Because it hurts too much." Her voice faded a little at the end and she looked away.

He could see flickers of pain in her eyes as she looked at him, then away, almost as though she couldn't stand to look him straight in the eye. They'd hurt each other deeply, him more than her, he knew that. She took the paper from him and wrote some more, gave it to him, and he scratched out, moved words around, added more, gave it back to her.

At one point, she looked like she'd had a breakthrough in her head and she wrote down what became the second verse. _There are kingdoms to keep us apart / So we live out our lives in the dark / Love has a way of making you pay with your heart / There are kingdoms to keep us apart._ He thought he understood, but he couldn't be totally sure. He thought there was something intensely personal in those lines. He finally decided not to try too hard to decipher it, deciding to give it his own meaning and let her have hers.

 _ **~nashville~**_

As Rayna drove home, she thought about the song she and Deacon had just written. It had been raw, pulling all kinds of emotions from both of them. They'd written together in fits and starts since that day at the park before Daphne was born. Writing songs together had always been like second nature to them, but back in the days when they were together, the music and the love had always been irrevocably entwined. Trying to write now, when they weren't together and when those feelings were so very complicated, was like a dance. Finding the right rhythm and the right moves, using the right words.

Deacon was right when he'd said they could write anything, even this sad ode to lost love and to secrets and to the things that kept people apart. She was learning to live without him, at least in the intimate sense. She thought he was doing the same. The secret she was hiding from him made things more complicated, but she was learning, every day, how to manage that part of her life. As the days and weeks and months and years had gone by, she put all that further behind her. It wasn't as hard to see Deacon and Maddie together. It wasn't as difficult to think of her as Teddy's daughter.

She sighed. She would never have believed that nearly four years after she'd hired him back, because her back was against the wall, that they'd be here, still together. She was certain she wouldn't be able to make it through that first tour, that either she would fire him or he would quit. She watched him constantly, worried that the proximity as well as her inaccessibility would lead him to drink again. Truthfully, she still watched him, still kept him close so she could keep him safe, just like she always had. But it had worked between the two of them. The music was stronger than the fear of being so close.

She'd been willing to take a chance on bringing him back to her band because he made her better as a performer. And he'd certainly delivered on that. Her star was rising faster than ever, with Grammys and CMA's and ACM's and gold and platinum albums. Six more number one's and sold out arena tours. It had been worth it. And when she looked at him and wondered what might have been, she took a deep breath and pushed that deep down inside, smiling her performance smile, and living the life she'd created for herself.

* * *

After they had put the girls to bed, Rayna followed Teddy into the den, sitting down next to him on the couch. She looked at him intently. "So, tomorrow is when I get inducted into the Opry," she said.

Teddy smiled at her, looking a little confused. "I know. The girls and I are going to be there," he said.

She bit her lip. "I wanted to show you…this," she said, handing him a piece of paper.

He frowned as he took it from her, just glancing at it. "What is it?" he asked.

She breathed in. "It's the song I'm singing tomorrow night." She looked at him carefully. "Deacon and I wrote it and I wanted you to see it first. Before I sing it."

He frowned. "I don't understand why you're writing with him again, Rayna. It seems like a slippery slope to me."

She shrugged. "I like writing with him. It's harder to write by myself. Always was. But he understands how to get my thoughts and feelings down on the page."

He gave her an odd look and then looked down at the sheet of paper he held in his hand. She felt her stomach turn flip flops as she watched him read. She could see him get tense, his fingers pinching the paper, his face turning a little red. Then he tossed the sheet on the coffee table and looked at her, his nostrils flaring a bit. "I don't understand," he said, his voice clipped. "Are you trying to tell me something?"

She shook her head. "It's not about you, Teddy. It doesn't really have anything to do with you," she said quietly.

Teddy stood up and walked over to the window. "So you're going to sing this…love song to your ex?" he asked, hurt tinging his tone.

She swallowed hard and then stood up, walking over to stand behind him. She put her hands on his arms and he tensed up. "No, Teddy," she said. "That's not what it's about."

"Then what _is_ it about?"

She let go of his arms and walked around to face him. "It's about the end of love, Teddy. About two people who can't be together," she said, searching his face.

He looked incredulous. "That's not how it sounded. I'm sure that's not how it will sound to that audience."

"But it is. For me, it is." She took his hand in hers. "Teddy, I loved Deacon very much. You know that. We had a very intense relationship for a very long time. It was hard and it was painful and now it's done."

He eyed her carefully. "Does Claybourne know that?"

She nodded. "He does."

He smiled sarcastically, pulling away from her. "And yet he's going to sing this with you," he said.

"No, _I'm_ singing it. He'll be on stage with me, of course, and he'll do the harmony, but this is _my_ song, Teddy."

Teddy rolled his eyes and let out a short laugh. "That sounds incredible, Rayna. Why should I believe you?"

She looked at him evenly. "Because you're my husband, Teddy. Because we have two daughters together. Because I said vows to you – that I _meant_ – and I honor those." She paused. "I'm telling you because I wanted you to know, first, before I did the song. I knew what you might think and I wanted to tell you myself." She looked at him pleadingly. "Let's sit down. Please." He hesitated, but finally sat back down on the couch and she sat next to him. "As much as you don't want to hear this, Deacon is my family." She could see him bristle. "And my friend. And we write great songs together. Deacon and I are rivers apart, Teddy, in the personal sense. And now we stand on our own. But we can write a great song. We write about what we know. It doesn't have to be about us."

"I don't know if I believe that, Rayna," he said.

She breathed out. "But I came and told you, Teddy. I would never do something to deliberately hurt you. I wanted you to know, so you would know it wasn't about you or that it meant I didn't love you." She reached for his hands again. For a moment he seemed to want to pull away, but finally he relaxed.

"I want to believe that, Rayna," he said, looking at her sadly.

"Then do," she said, with a tiny smile. _Yes, it's about the end of love. Forever, for now, who knows?_

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon got dressed and then looked over his guitars, trying to decide which one to bring with him. He finally settled on an old Martin he'd played when he and Rayna had made their Opry debut. It felt right.

He imagined that Rayna was standing in front of her mirror, making sure her dress fit well and her hair was just right. She had makeup artists and hair stylists now and people to get her stage outfits organized, but back in the early days she did it all herself. He remembered when they played the Opry the first time, she changed outfits at least five times, before ending up with the very first outfit she'd put on.

He smiled to himself as he thought about how nervous she was. Watty had come that night, to wish them luck. And then it was all over so quickly. They had hurried off the stage, back to the Into the Circle dressing room, where first-timers got to wait their turn.

" _Deacon, does this door have a lock?" she'd asked, breathless, her face flushed._

 _He'd looked puzzled. "A lock?"_

 _She made a face and then she'd put her arms around his neck and leaned into him. She kissed him on the lips and then, lowering her eyelids a bit, she'd purred, "I need you. Right now."_

 _He had laughed, a little embarrassed that he hadn't realized what she wanted. He turned and found that, indeed, there was a lock on the door. He turned the lock, then turned back to her. She flew into his arms and kissed him hungrily, running her hands up and down his back and then down over his ass, pressing him closer to her. He groaned as he felt himself responding to her. He slid his hand down to her thigh, then ran his fingers under the hem of her skirt. She rocked her hips against him and moaned._

He breathed out. He had wondered if anyone else had christened the new artist dressing room at the Opry. He liked to think they were the first. He sighed. He'd wanted Taylor to come, but she'd shaken her head and told him no. He understood, but it made him sad. Then he turned and put his guitar in its case. He locked it up, picked up his messenger bag, and headed out the door.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna was standing in front of the mirror in her vanity, making sure her dress fit properly. It was a black lace sleeveless dress. It was short enough to show off her legs and the dark color was slimming. She still hadn't lost all of her baby weight, but she thought the dress was flattering. Her eyes caught Teddy walking up behind her and she smiled.

"You look beautiful," he said, with a warm smile.

She turned to face him. "Thanks, babe." She twisted her hands together and made a face. "You're sure? I'm not, you know, busting out too much?" She blushed as she practically whispered the last few words, smoothing the fabric over her breasts.

Teddy laughed. "Not at all. You look perfect," he said.

"I hope so. I'm just so nervous," she said with a laugh. "I don't know why. It's not like I haven't performed at the Opry a million times." She laughed again nervously.

He came over and kissed her on the cheek. "It's a big night," he said. "You told me this was something you'd always wanted, so you're excited."

She nodded. "That's true. It was my biggest dream." She laughed again. "Well, outside of having a record deal."

"Are you ready?"

She nodded, feeling a little teary. "Yeah. I'm ready."

* * *

When they got to the Opry, they were hustled into her dressing room. She had caught a glimpse of Deacon, standing down the hall with the Opry house band. He'd seen her too and had given her a nod. She felt her heart beat a little faster and her stomach was turning flip flops. She had Maddie in her arms and she gave him a tiny smile, before walking quickly into the dressing room, Teddy following behind with Daphne.

Although she was glad to have her family there with her, she felt at loose ends. Normally Deacon would be in the room with her and they'd go over what they were playing that night. They'd talk a little and it would ease the jitters she always got right before she went on stage. But he couldn't be in the dressing room, of course, and so she paced, shaking her hands and humming with her eyes closed.

The knock at the door startled her and her eyes flew open as Vince Gill walked in. "Are you ready for this, Rayna?" he asked, with a big smile on his face.

She felt tears well up and she waved her hands in front of her face as she smiled. "I think so," she said.

He walked over and hugged her, then stepped back, looking over at Teddy and the girls. "Teddy, if you're ready, you and the girls can go on out to the side stage," he said.

Teddy nodded. "We're ready, I think." He pulled out the tiny ear muffs out of the diaper bag and put them on Daphne, who waved her tiny hands and patted them. Then he took Maddie's hand. Rayna walked over to the two of them and he kissed her. "We can't wait," he said, with a grin.

"Thanks, babe," she said. She took Daphne's little face in her hands and kissed her on the nose. Then she squatted down to pull Maddie into a hug. "I'll see y'all in just a few minutes," she said, as she watched them leave.

Vince waited by the door and after a few minutes, he turned to look down the other direction and made a motion with his hand. Rayna was smoothing her dress and running her tongue over her lips when Deacon walked into the room past Vince. As Vince closed the door, he looked at Rayna. "Five minutes," he said, holding up five fingers.

She nodded. "Thanks." When the door was closed, she looked at Deacon. "Oh, my God," she breathed.

He smiled at her. "I'm so proud of you," he said. "You deserve this more than anybody I know."

She felt teary again and waved one hand in front of her face. "I don't want to cry," she said. "I'll ruin my makeup." And she laughed.

He took a deep breath, then set his guitar down. He walked the few steps and pulled her into a hug. "I'm glad I get to be here for this," he said. She slid her arms around his waist and pressed her hands against his back. It felt good to be close to him, to feel wrapped up in him again, even if it was just as friends. The hug lasted a little longer than it should have and she let him hold her a little closer than was proper. _I don't want to lead him on._

"I wouldn't want it any other way," she said softly. He kissed her on the forehead then and let her go, stepping back. She smiled up at him and breathed out. "Time to do this," she said.

* * *

The rest of the night was like a dream. She remembered walking out onto the stage after Vince introduced her. Little Jimmy Dickens gave her the Grand Ole Opry microphone statue and she talked to the audience about her love for the Opry and what it meant to her from the time she was a little girl. She recognized her family as well as Deacon, for being there with her. And then she and Deacon debuted 'The Rivers Between Us'. For the Opry performance, Deacon did harmony vocals only, although when they recorded the song later as a bonus single, they did it as a duet, the way it had been intended to be performed.

While she was glad Deacon was on stage with her, a part of her was disappointed not to really be able to celebrate with him. The few minutes they'd had in her dressing room hadn't been enough time for her to tell him just how much he meant to her. And Teddy being there meant she couldn't do it afterwards. She couldn't have done it without him though. _There would be no Rayna Jaymes without Deacon Claybourne._

When it was over, she walked off the stage towards her family. Teddy kissed her and she ran her finger under Daphne's chin and kissed her on the forehead. Then she leaned down and picked up Maddie, who was squealing with joy and clapping her hands happily. People came up to her and congratulated her and she laughed joyfully. This had been one of the best nights of her life.

 _ **~nashville~**_

It was always special to be at the Opry when someone was inducted into its membership. Deacon was grateful that he'd been able to be here with Rayna when it was her turn. If this had been five years earlier, he wouldn't have been on the stage with her. He'd been cast out of her life, sent to rehab one last time. There was no guarantee that he'd ever be doing this again and, in fact, he'd thought it would never happen. But now that it had, he was determined not to let these chances slip past him again.

They stood next to each other on the side stage as they waited for her introduction. She was licking her lips nervously and fidgeting with her hands. He glanced over to the other side of the stage and saw Teddy, holding Daphne, with Maddie standing beside him. He swallowed hard. Teddy was a lucky man, to have this family with Rayna. And she seemed happy, or at least content. She loved her girls and she loved being a mama, and he once again felt a pain in his heart wishing he could have been the one to give her that.

And then Vince was calling her onto the stage and they walked out, Rayna turning on her performance smile for the crowd. He stood while Little Jimmy Dickens handed her the microphone statue that represented her Opry membership. She said a few words about how much it meant to her and then she turned to him and nodded slightly.

They started to sing, her voice clear and strong, filled with all the emotions of the song they'd written for this night. He caught Teddy out of the corner of his eye, saw the grim look on his face as he listened to Rayna sing. He wondered if Rayna ever had regrets. He had wondered, that day they'd sat across from each other as they wrote this song. There was something in her eyes, there and quickly gone, that made him wonder.

" _You know people will think this is about us," she said._

 _He raised an eyebrow. "Isn't it?" He paused. "Kind of?"_

 _She shrugged and looked away. "Maybe." She chewed at her lip for a moment, then looked back at him, her eyes squinting into the sun. "But that's over. We both know that."_

 _He breathed in and then he nodded. "Yeah." After a moment, he said, "Do you ever think about us?"_

 _She smiled at him a little sadly and nodded. "Sometimes." She looked away and then back. "It wasn't all bad. I remember a lot of things that were really good. But we've moved on, you know? I think it was time for that."_

" _I guess," he said. Then he had taken a deep breath and gotten up, signaling the end of the conversation. And they walked side-by-side, but not touching, up the hill to their cars._

It was a song about them. He knew it. He knew she did too. But she was right. It was time to get past that.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Her dressing room was full of people when they finally made it back there, between all the stops to talk to well-wishers. She was happy to see Watty was there. He'd been traveling and wasn't sure he'd make it back in time, but there he was. Even Tandy had surprised her by showing up. Her father wasn't there, of course, but she didn't have time to even be annoyed that he couldn't make an exception for _her_ and come to the Mother Church of Country Music on her special night.

After a bit she found her way over to Bucky. "Hey, Buck," she said quietly and he turned to face her.

"This was an amazing night, Rayna," he said, with a grin, as he hugged her. "And y'all sounded great out there. Killer song."

She smiled. "Thanks." She looked around a bit. "Where's Deacon?"

He raised his eyebrows. "He left."

She looked puzzled. "He did?"

Bucky nodded. "Yeah. Right after y'all got off stage. Said he had someplace he needed to be." He got pulled into another conversation then, leaving Rayna to sigh, feeling strangely deflated now that she knew he hadn't stayed.


	9. Nobody to Blame (But Me)

Rayna put on her coat and gloves, then wrapped a scarf around her neck and added a cap. She turned to Maddie, who was uncharacteristically quiet, sitting on the bed. This would be the last tour her older daughter would go on with her, at least during the school year. She would start kindergarten in the fall and would stay in Nashville with Teddy. There was still discussion around whether Daphne would as well. She would miss having both her girls with her all the time, but she did acknowledge it was not easy, especially now that Maddie was more independent.

She sat down on the hotel bed next to her daughter and Maddie looked up at her expectantly. "Are you ready to head to the next city, sweet girl?" she asked, with a smile.

Maddie nodded. "Where are we going now?" she asked, scrunching up her face.

 _Poor girl._ Rayna grinned. "Boston."

"On the bus?" Rayna nodded. "Can Deacon ride with us?"

Rayna caught her breath. Maddie had become very attached to Deacon over the years. Probably because he was around all the time. When they were at home, she would chatter on and on about Deacon to Teddy, and she could see Teddy's irritation. Although he seemed to have backed off his latent jealousy of Deacon, when it came to Maddie, it would create tension between them. But she forced the smile to stay on her face. "We'll have to ask him," she said. "He might be busy." She knew he would not be, that, as always, he'd jump at the chance to ride on the bus with them instead of the band.

"Well, let's ask him then," Maddie demanded, hopping off the bed. She walked over to where Rayna's phone was on the table next to her purse and picked it up, then brought it over to her mother. She held the phone out. "Call him."

Rayna hid a smile at her bossy daughter. She recognized Deacon's stubbornness and intense focus in Maddie. She was glad the two of them were spending so much time together. There were still days when she would experience a fleeting regret at how things had gone, back when she'd found out she was pregnant. She supposed that would always be the case. But she was doing the best she could and she reminded herself often that at least Maddie had a relationship with Deacon, even if she didn't know he was her biological father.

She took the phone from Maddie and pulled up Deacon's number. She had made him get a mobile phone the first year he was back touring with her. It was too hard getting in touch with him when she needed to otherwise. "Hey," she said, when he answered. "Maddie wants to know if you want to ride on the bus with us to Boston."

"Of course," he said. "Should I bring my guitar?"

Rayna smiled. "You know you have to. She'd be so disappointed if she couldn't sing with you." She laughed as she watched Maddie jump up and down and clap her hands. "I hope that's okay."

"You know I love your girls, Ray. I'm just glad to have such a big fan."

 _We're all your fans._ "Thanks. We'll be down in a few minutes, so we'll see you then."

She disconnected and sat for a moment, looking at her phone thoughtfully. There had been a subtle shift in their relationship over the past few months, really since Daphne was born. Taking care of two instead of one was definitely more challenging. Coupled with a big-time arena tour, she barely had time to think straight, much less obsess over Deacon. And he had Taylor, although she wasn't sure how that relationship was going. Taylor didn't come out on the road with Deacon anymore and seemed to be avoiding her. She had mixed feelings about that. She had to admit it was hard to completely let go of all those old, unresolved feelings she had for him. She suspected it was true for him as well. She could see in his eyes a certain sadness, regret, disappointment, that never completely went away.

"Mama," Maddie whined, pulling her out of her thoughts, and she looked up at her daughter. Maddie had an annoyed look on her face. "Let's go, Mama. Deacon's waiting for me."

She laughed at Maddie's confidence. "Well, you're probably right about that," she said, standing up and walking over to drop her phone in her purse. She turned back to Maddie. "Where's your coat?"

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon knew Taylor would be at work, but he wanted to check in with her. When he hung up with Rayna, he scrolled down to her contact information and pressed call.

She picked up on the second ring. "Hey."

"Hey." He walked over to the window in his room and looked out. "We're getting ready to head to Boston. Just wanted to call."

"Thanks." She paused. "How's it going?"

"Good. Sold out every night. Enthusiastic crowds. Just what we like." He bit his lip. "You sure you don't wanna come up for the Albany show?"

He heard her gentle sigh. "I can't," she said. "But you'll be home soon, right?"

He looked down at his feet. "Three weeks."

"Well, so, we can hole up for a few days. I'll take a couple days off and we can get, uh, reacquainted. You know, it's just not a lot of time for us when you've got shows and rehearsals and all that."

He nodded. "Yeah, I know." He knew it wasn't that. He breathed out. "Well, I need to get down to the bus."

"Thanks for calling. I…I miss you," she said softly.

"I miss you too. I'll call tomorrow sometime."

"Okay, sounds good." As he disconnected, he couldn't help but feel a sadness in his gut. It felt like every time he was gone from Nashville, he and Taylor grew further apart. When he was in town on tour breaks, they would reconnect and recapture some of that closeness, but each time it seemed like it took more effort to get back to their normal. She never talked about Rayna or about what had happened in Dallas. While they had averted a break up then, he couldn't help but wonder if they were still inevitably headed in that direction.

He slid his phone into his pocket and then ran his hand over his mouth. After a moment, he picked up his messenger bag and slipped it over his neck. Then he reached for his guitar case and headed out the door. As he walked to the elevator, he thought about how easy and simple his relationship with Taylor had been at first. But that was before she really knew much about Rayna and certainly before she'd met her.

He knew he wasn't completely over Rayna, maybe never would be completely. He wanted to be, felt like he needed to be. If he were honest, it probably didn't help to be her bandleader. Coleman had definitely been right about that part. Being around her all the time kept him from being able to put it completely aside, as much as he tried. Sometimes he would see something in her eyes that made him think she still had feelings for him, but it would be gone almost as quickly as it came, and he wasn't so sure.

It probably was because she'd made the decision. _She_ was the one who broke up with him, _she_ was the one who embarked on a new relationship. _She_ was the one who decided to get married and have a family. All to put distance between them. _I can't do this anymore, Deacon. I can't put myself through one more night of not knowing where you are or not knowing if you're even still alive. I love you – God help me, I love you – but you're ripping me apart. I can't live like this one more day. Not even one more hour. I'm killing myself trying to take care of you and it's time you figured it out for yourself. We're done. For good._

He got to the elevator and pressed the down button. He breathed in, feeling a heaviness in his chest. It had been all his fault. He had pushed her to the brink too many times. He'd made promises he couldn't keep. He'd disappointed her too many times. He figured he should just be grateful she let him back into her band, that she wanted to write songs with him again, that she let him be around her girls. They were friends now. Maybe that just had to be enough.

The elevator door opened and as he stepped inside, he hesitated just one second. Standing there was Rayna, holding Maddie's hand. As she looked into his eyes, she looked just a little surprised, and then she slowly smiled. Feeling his heart beat a little faster, he smiled back and stepped in.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She'd gotten used to him riding on the bus with them. He still slept on the band bus, when they traveled overnight, but he more often than not rode on her bus during the day. It was a chance for them to write but also for them to just talk. Not that they talked a lot, considering that Maddie monopolized his time. He was a good sport about it, playing whatever song she liked, and letting her sing along with him. Even Daphne seemed enchanted by him, laughing and smiling whenever he sang.

They were riding from Little Rock back to Nashville for a two week break and Rayna had sat at the end of the bench seat, watching Maddie and Deacon. Maddie stood next to him and sang along to the nursery rhymes she'd taught him. She felt tears in her eyes as she listened to Maddie's childish voice with Deacon's more professional voice singing quiet harmony behind her.

Mia walked up to the pack-n-play and looked down at Daphne. "She's asleep", she whispered to Rayna.

Rayna nodded and then looked at Maddie. "Maddie, honey, it's time for your nap," she said.

Maddie screwed up her face. "I don't want to take a nap," she said, her bottom lip stuck out. "I wanna stay with Deacon." Deacon looked at Rayna with an apologetic smile and shrugged.

Rayna raised her eyebrows. "Maddie," she said firmly. She hid a smile as Maddie scowled darkly, but then stalked back towards Mia, who was holding a sleeping Daphne. Rayna reached out for her, but she shrugged away, still scowling, and avoided Rayna's attempt to pull her in for a hug. She watched Maddie follow Mia to the back of the bus. When the door shut behind them, she turned back to Deacon with a smile. "That girl does _not_ like to take a nap," she said.

He grinned. "She's a stubborn one, that's for sure," he said. Then he winked. "Not unlike someone else I know."

She picked up a pillow and threw it at him. "I am not stubborn," she said.

He gave her a sideways look. "Oh, right, what's it called? A diva dip?" he teased.

She made a face. "Shut up." She laid her arm on the back of the bench seat and drummed her fingers lightly. "Wanna write?"

He shrugged. "Sure." He glanced out the window. "We're almost to Memphis though. Do we have enough time?"

"We've been known to write a song in thirty minutes," she said.

He bit down on his bottom lip. "Yeah, I guess." He looked at her. "Usually we had some particular motivation though."

She blushed just a little and looked away. "Well, we don't have that now, so it may take a little longer."

He took a beat. "Did you have something in mind?" he asked, moving off that topic.

She looked thoughtful. "Didn't you start off playing dive bars around Memphis?"

His eyes twinkled a little as he thought about that, a quiet smile crossing his face. "Yeah, I did. When I was seventeen. Me and Beverly, actually. We were too scared to go to Nashville, back then. And we'd always liked going to Memphis when we were kids."

Rayna frowned. "You went as a child?" She didn't know that. But then there was a lot she didn't think she knew from Deacon's younger years. He'd talked to her more about his father, once he'd gone through rehab and understood more why that relationship had driven him to drink. But he'd stayed close to the vest about much more than that, when it came to his family.

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. My mama used to take us, once a year, and we'd spend one night at the Peabody Hotel. It was a big deal. It was one day a year where everything was good. Almost normal." His voice trailed off and he looked away.

Rayna felt a pang in her heart. She suspected Deacon's childhood had been awful, but she'd never heard about this one special memory. "What did you do when you were in Memphis?" she asked gently.

Deacon breathed in and looked at her, pain etched in his eyes. "Nothing much. Mama would take us for ice cream and we'd go get bar-b-que somewhere." He smiled sadly. "And we'd watch the duck parade. And then we'd go home. So when Beverly and I decided to start singing, that's where we went."

"But you came to Nashville when you were seventeen, right?" She was sure that's what he'd told her, so he couldn't have been in Memphis long.

"I was almost eighteen. Maybe two weeks shy."

"Because Beverly married Doug."

He nodded. "Yeah." He sat for a moment, thinking, and then he looked at her. "I really wanted to come to Nashville and play on the Opry stage," he said. "That was my plan. Beverly, well, her and me were supposed to do it together, but she got scared, really. She said it was to get married, but I think it really was because she was scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Failing."

Rayna sat back against the bench seat. "She was really good though. That's what I remember, when I went to Natchez with you to see Scarlett."

Deacon nodded. "She was. I went back to try and talk her outta quitting, but she was stubborn. Wanted to get married and have kids." He finally put his guitar down, which he'd been holding across his legs, and rubbed his face. "I almost didn't leave either, but nothing had changed, back there, and I couldn't see staying there." He looked at her. "That's when I went to Nashville. Didn't even go back to Memphis." He chuckled. "I had that '69 Tempest. Remember that?"

She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Oh, boy, do I ever. I wondered every single time you started that car if it was gonna just up and die." She looked at him. "It did, finally, didn't it?"

He laughed. "Yeah, it did. It really was a piece of crap."

She gave him a teasing look. "Well, it was older than me." She raised her eyebrows then. "That's what we can write about," she said.

He looked puzzled. "My piece of crap car?"

She shook her head and smiled. "No. Leaving Memphis. Going to Nashville, in a '69 Tempest. Wanting to sing at the Opry."

He picked his guitar back up. "I like it. Let's get to work."

* * *

As they pulled into the Sound Check parking lot, they were playing the song one more time through, for their small audience of Maddie, Daphne, and Mia. Although it was primarily Deacon's story, they'd written it as a song for Rayna to sing. Each time they went through it, they liked it more and more. The final run through on the bus had felt perfect.

 _I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis / I'm really breaking away this time / A full tank of gas and a '69 Tempest / Taking me to that Nashville sign_

 _No turning back, I've come too far / I'm headed down 40 with my old guitar / This ain't Graceland that's a fact / And I ain't driving a pink Cadillac_

 _I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis / Gonna bronze these blue suede shoes / These cowboy boots are gettin' kinda restless / They ain't gotta single thing to lose_

 _I've had this dream from a tender age / Calling my name from the Opry stage / I can hear it sing loud and clear / 200 miles and I'll be there_

 _I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis / I'm really breaking away this time / A full tank of gas and a '69 Tempest / Taking me to that Nashville sign_

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna wanted the summer off to spend with Maddie. Maddie would be starting kindergarten at the end of the summer and wouldn't be coming out on tour with Rayna as regularly. Summer was prime touring season, but she was at the pinnacle of her success, so she could afford to take some time off. Deacon wasn't unhappy about it, because it gave him time to work on his music as well as to shore up his relationship with Taylor.

When they headed back out on the road, though, just after Maddie started school, he was ready. Even though she had been happy to have him home, after two and a half months, Taylor was ready for him to get out from underfoot. And truthfully, he was bored. Taylor was at work every day and there were only so many songs to write and venues to play in around town. He liked the touring life and he was more than ready to get back to it.

He stacked his duffels at the front door, along with his guitars. He walked into the kitchen, where Taylor was pouring herself a mug of coffee. Her purse and briefcase were laying on the counter. She turned when he walked in. "Do you want coffee?" she asked, holding out the mug.

He nodded. "Yeah. Sounds good." She continued to hold the mug out, but he waved her off. "Nah, that's yours. I can get mine."

"Oh. Okay," she said, turning away.

He walked over to the coffee maker and reached for a travel mug in the cabinet above it. He thought he probably should have taken the mug she offered. It probably seemed like he was being rude. He poured his coffee, then went over to where Taylor was standing at the counter by her purse, looking at her planner. He stood next to her, setting his travel mug on the counter and kissing her on the cheek. "Busy day?" he asked.

She closed the planner and then turned to face him. "Yeah," she said. "But that's probably a good thing. I won't have as much time to think about the fact that you're gone." She ran her hand along his arm. "I'll miss you. Like always."

"I'll call you."

She nodded, but her eyes had a sadness about them. "I know." She sighed. "It's hard though."

He set his mug down and put his arms around her, pulling her close. He didn't say anything, just held on to her and felt her arms wrap around his waist. He'd stopped asking her to come visit him. The answer was always no. After a moment, he pulled back and kissed her on the forehead. "I guess I need to go," he said.

She looked at him and nodded, then pulled him back to her and kissed him. When they finally let each other go, she smiled. "Have a good trip," she said.

He smiled back. "I will," he said. Then he picked up his travel mug and walked out. He moved everything out to the porch and then made two trips to get everything in his truck. Once he had his truck packed, he started it up and headed for Sound Check.

He was halfway there when he realized it hadn't been as hard to leave this time as it had in the past.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She'd stayed up later than normal at the after party, then, when she got back to the suite, Daphne was cutting a tooth and cranky. She felt bad that Mia had had to deal with her all night and she'd sent the babysitter to her own room and held her youngest until she finally fell asleep. She was surprised Maddie hadn't woken up, until she found her older daughter lying in her bed. It was fall break and Maddie had begged to come out on the road with her. She'd smiled to herself and fallen into the bed next to her. She was afraid she'd have a hard time falling asleep, but within minutes she was dead to the world.

Maddie was the one who woke her up the next morning, standing next to the bed, holding her vibrating phone. "Mama," she said, sounding annoyed. "You _need_ to answer this."

Rayna forced her eyes open, trying to focus on her daughter's pouty face. She made a face and took the phone from Maddie's outstretched hand. Maddie turned and flounced out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Rayna winced. Not only had she stayed out late at the after party, she'd had one too many champagne cocktails.

She looked at the phone. Multiple texts and missed calls. The phone rang again and she saw it was Bucky. "Hey, Buck," she said, as she answered.

"Rayna. I'm surprised you're not watching the CMA nominations."

She frowned. "That's today?"

He laughed. "Yeah, it's today. You got nominated for three."

She sat up. Her head was pounding and she rubbed her temple with her free hand. "Really?"

"Female Vocalist of the Year, Song of the Year, and Record of the Year."

She took a deep breath. "Which song?"

"'The Rivers Between Us'."

So she and Deacon were nominated together. "Wow, Buck, that's amazing," she said. "I'm just blown away."

"Actually you don't sound all that excited, Rayna," he said, a bit teasingly.

She smiled. "Well, you should have stopped me after that second champagne cocktail. I'll be fine. Have you talked to Deacon?"

"I wanted to talk to you first. But I'm sure he knows about it."

"Well, thank you for calling me, Bucky. I'll see you at sound check." She disconnected and looked at her phone. She scrolled down and hit Deacon's name, then fell back on her pillow, covering her eyes.

"Hey, Ray," he said when he answered. "Congrats on your nominations."

She smiled. "And _our_ nomination."

"Yeah."

She looked over at the clock beside the bed. It was just a little past nine. "Can you meet me for lunch?" she asked.

"Yeah. When?"

"About one? Meet me in the lobby."

"I'll see you then."

* * *

After Rayna signed the check, she looked at Deacon, still a little in shock over the Song of the Year nomination. "I still can't believe we finally have a songwriting nomination," she said.

He grinned. "Yeah, I know. Always thought we'd have one before now. But better late than never, right?"

She smiled. "True. It's such a great song too." She reached for his hand across the table. For several long minutes, they just looked into each other's eyes, as he rubbed his thumb over hers. The atmosphere around them seemed electrically charged. She suddenly realized what was happening and gently pulled her hand back. She looked down, then reached for her purse. As she slid out, she murmured, "I gotta go." She walked out without looking back at him.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He parked his truck, then pulled out his duffel and guitar. It was just three days off, so he'd left most of his gear on the bus. He hurried up the steps and let himself into the house. He dropped his things at the front door and looked around. The house was empty, but more than that, it seemed ominously silent. He frowned. It was after six, although it was still light out, but there were no lights on in the house. He checked in the bedroom and then the kitchen. Everything seemed in place and orderly. But he didn't see Taylor.

"Taylor?" he called out. There was no answer. He frowned again and went to look out onto the street. He saw her car so he knew she was somewhere. She knew he'd be home right about then. He walked to the back door and opened it. She was sitting on the back stoop. He sat down next to her. "Hey. What you doing out here?" he asked.

She was sitting with her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. She breathed in and then she turned to look at him. "I'm leaving, Deacon," she said.

"What? Why?" he asked.

She gave him a sad smile and shook her head. "I can't do this," she said. "I can't play second fiddle to Rayna Jaymes and your unrequited love for her. It's just not fair."

He wasn't sure what to say. He rubbed his face with his hands. He really didn't know what to do. He'd tried, really tried. He'd accepted that his feelings weren't going to change, but that he'd truly lost Rayna. He wanted to move on, tried hard to move on, but maybe Taylor was right. "I don't know what to do," he said finally.

She looked away. "I know. I know you've tried. But I really can't do this. I can't be her, Deacon."

He frowned and breathed out with irritation. "I ain't asked you to," he said.

"No, you haven't." She sighed. "I thought if I stayed here, where I didn't have to see it, I could do it. That when you came home, you'd be mine. But you never really are. I mean, you're here, home, when I am, but you still see her. The two of you write together or you perform at the Opry or you just _talk_. You can't let her go and she can't let you go. So you can't really move on." She looked at him. "I'm not laying all the blame on you, Deacon. _She's_ the one who's married, who has children. _She's_ the one who needs to let you go."

He looked up and bit down on his bottom lip. Then he sighed and looked back at her. "We're just friends, Taylor," he started.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't delude yourself, Deacon," she said, with an edge to her voice. "She's no more your _friend_ than she is mine." She shook her head. "Look, I don't want this to be an argument." Her voice softened. "But it's time for me to go. Past time, I think."

He thought she was probably right, but he didn't want that. For purely selfish reasons, he knew. As long as he had Taylor, he could act like this thing between him and Rayna was over. "But why now?" he asked.

She didn't say anything at first. When she did, she didn't look at him and her voice was so quiet he had to strain to hear. "I pretty much pretended that she didn't exist. I didn't come out on tour with you, I didn't torture myself by reading anything about her or looking at anything about her. I just tried to put that out of my head. I worked, long hours. I went out with friends. I made sure I was busy. So busy that I couldn't stop to think about any of it. I ignored the fact that you still saw her when you were both in town. I was in such denial." She took a deep breath. "But I heard about your nomination for your song." She glanced over at him. "Congratulations, by the way." Then she looked away again. "And I let my guard down and I listened to it." He could see tears on her cheeks then. "Oh, my God, Deacon, y'all just put it all out there. I'm actually surprised her husband's still around after that."

He frowned. "That ain't what it's about…."

She gave him a look. "Please. That's exactly what it's about. And if y'all wrote it thinking it wasn't, well, then you were kidding yourselves if you didn't think people knew different."

He swallowed hard and looked away. He knew she was right, at least as far as he was concerned. He'd known it when they wrote it. "Taylor, I…."

"Stop." He turned to look at her. "It's my fault," she said. "I should have known better. At least after I saw that article. And surely after I saw you with her that first time on the tour. I take the blame for letting you talk me into sticking around. And I blame myself for sticking my head in the sand ever since." She closed her eyes for a moment, the tears still coming. Then she opened them and rubbed away the tears. "I wanted this to work. I really thought we had something, but I don't think you're ready for a real relationship. I hope you are someday because you deserve to be happy, Deacon. You deserve to have what she has, a family and a home. Someone to love you and make you happy." She pushed herself up then. "It's just not going to be me."

He stood up then, feeling incredibly sad. He felt tears in his own eyes. "I'm sorry," he said.

She nodded. "I know." She tried to smile. "I don't hate you, Deacon. I feel sad for you. I just can't do this to myself anymore." Then she turned and walked into the house.

He didn't follow her, let her do whatever she was going to do. He sat back down on the stoop, leaning forward with his head in his hands. After a few minutes he heard a car start and drive off and he assumed it was her. The tears in his eyes slid down his face. He knew the truth of what she'd said, but it didn't make it any easier.


	10. I Will Let You Go

He turned off the highway and headed down the old rural road. It was still warm and the leaves hadn't quite started to turn. It was a little desolate out here, which was one of the reasons he'd liked it. That he and Rayna had both liked it. About three miles down the road he turned onto a gravel and dirt road. On a day like this, when the sun was out, it was an easy drive to the private, unnamed lake. When it rained or snowed, it was a treacherous trip, one he was always glad he had his truck for.

He rounded the curve in the road and pulled up next to the simple, white lake house he'd bought nearly ten years earlier. He'd bought this place for Rayna, a place for them to get away to. It was her dream house, the one she'd described to him one night when they were both very young, barely scraping together enough money for food and the rent on a studio apartment.

 _They were sitting outside on a hot, sticky summer night, on the edge of the apartment pool, with their feet dangling in the lukewarm water. It was well after midnight and they'd just come back from playing at a biker dive bar in up in Portland. It had taken all his self-control not to go off on the drunk bikers yelling at Rayna to "show us your tits!" He still bristled just thinking about it._

" _I wish we didn't have to play in those kind of crap places," he'd muttered angrily._

 _She bumped her shoulder against his. "Oh, Deacon, it's okay. They're just drunk. I'm sure not gonna show 'em my boobs." She laughed._

 _He scowled. "You're damn right you ain't," he said. "Only person gets to see those is me."_

 _She laughed, a rich, throaty laugh. Then she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. "I love how you take care of me, Deacon," she said, with a smile. Then the smile faded as she gazed deep into his eyes. "I love you."_

 _He turned his body slightly towards hers, looking deeply into her eyes as well. He lifted his hand and ran it over her cheek, then pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "I love you too. And I'll always be there, baby. I just wish I could give you everything you deserve," he murmured._

 _She wrapped her arms around his waist. "One day we'll have it all, I just know it," she said softly, smiling at him._

 _He brushed his lips against hers. "What's your dream, baby?" he asked._

 _She looked thoughtful and then she surprised him a little. He'd expected her to talk about her career, but instead she said, "I'd love to have a house on a lake or a river. Just a simple house, where we could be together, away from the world. Just the two of us." She blushed a little. "And maybe one day raise a family there."_

 _He ran his hand along her bare leg. "I'm gonna get you that place one day, baby. I promise." Then he leaned in and whispered in her ear, "I wanna see your boobs."_

 _She swatted him on the arm and laughed. Then she untangled herself from him and lifted her feet out of the pool and stood up. She looked back down at him. "You've gotta catch me first," she said, and then she started to run towards the apartment._

 _He pulled his feet out of the water and sprang up and ran after her, catching her at the door. He wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck as she giggled, fumbling with the key. Then he ran his hands up and cupped her breasts, running his thumbs over them, feeling her lush curves and her taut nipples. She moaned for a second, pressing herself against him. Then she got the key in the lock and opened the door, dragging him in behind her._

He sat in the truck, looking at the house. He hadn't been up here in a while. Not since he'd started seeing Taylor. He couldn't imagine bringing anyone else up here, but it had been a long time since Rayna had been at this house. He knew for sure that it had been before she broke up with him, before that fourth aborted try at rehab. There was still that vague memory of her having been there one other time, but he couldn't nail it down in his head and he'd decided it was his mangled memories that were playing tricks on him.

He got out of the truck and walked towards the lake. There was no breeze and the water was still. It didn't matter exactly when the last time was she'd been there. It had been too long ago and she would probably never come here again. He knew he probably should sell the place, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. It was the last piece of her he had and he was going to hang on to it.

It was also the place where he could get away from everything. When life got tough and the emotions threatened to overwhelm him, he came here. He could separate himself and no one could reach him and it allowed him to work through whatever was happening and get back to center. And he surely needed that right now. He knew he would miss the CMA's and Rayna would probably be mad as hell about that too. But it felt like she had pulled the rug out from underneath him and he knew if he didn't get away, he might not make it.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She'd finally found a dress for the CMA's. The show was just three weeks away. She didn't really think she and Deacon would win, but she was excited anyway. Tim McGraw had a huge hit with 'Live Like You Were Dying' and she was pretty sure that would take home the prize. But it was always exciting to be nominated.

She and Deacon had written lots of songs over the years, mostly when they were together. Many of them were huge hits, but they'd never had a songwriting nomination. Deacon was the true songwriter, although he always told her that her contributions were equally as valuable. She felt much more comfortable with lyrics than with the music, something Deacon was highly skilled at. When she was writing on her own she often enlisted a cowriter, for the music, if nothing else. This, though, felt incredibly satisfying.

She had just left the dress shop, where she'd tried on the dress for alterations. It was simple and elegant, a cream colored dress with a gold sequined belt and straps. She'd felt a little like a Grecian goddess in the dress and had decided to wear her hair up and a pair of statement earrings. She thought again about the song she and Deacon had written. It had come fairly easily. They both insisted it was not a song about the two of them, but she knew, at least in part, it was.

They'd had such a long, troubled history, but it had also been filled with many magical moments. But now they were truly standing on different sides of the river, figuratively and literally. It was hard to deny her feelings for him, when she saw him nearly every day. At first, she'd told herself he was a temporary fill until she could figure something else out for a lead guitar player. And, truthfully, she should have done just that. Not let herself get comfortable with the familiar, because all that was leading to was heartache.

She found herself on Lynwood Boulevard and then she turned into the drive that led to her father's house. She knew he wouldn't be home, so it was safe to stop by. She ran up the steps to the front door and let herself in. Then she took the stairs up to her old bedroom.

It always surprised her that he'd left the room essentially the way it had been when he'd kicked her out at the age of sixteen. It was still painted the light pink she'd begged for when she was ten years old. The white eyelet lace comforter and pillow shams were still there, along with three small hot pink velveteen pillows. The furniture was all white, the perfect room for a young pre-teen. She wondered, as always, why she'd never updated it.

She walked over to the guitar stand, where the old, beat up guitar her mother had given her was displayed. She ran her fingers over it. She'd never been very good at it, although she'd tried hard. Deacon had been kind when he'd told her she might want to just stick with singing and let him do the guitar work. She'd been hurt by that, but she was also smart enough to know he was right. Maybe one day she'd give this guitar to Maddie. Her older daughter, not surprisingly, seemed to have an affinity for music already.

She'd left home so young that, besides the guitar, there was scant evidence of her love for music in the room. Except for her memory box. She walked into the huge closet and sat down on the floor. She reached under one of the shoe shelves and pulled out a long, slender box. She'd brought it here just before she'd married Teddy, hoping to hide away all her mementos and memories. It was a symbolic way of putting to bed her past with Deacon, or so she hoped.

She opened the box. Right on top was the straw hat Deacon had bought her on their two-day jaunt to Mexico. They had been in San Diego for a show and had a couple days off before they had to be in LA. Deacon was the one who'd suggested they go across the border to Mexico and they'd ended up in a small beach town in a cheap oceanfront motel.

The place was clean, but that was about all it had going for it. The sheets were rough and nearly gray in color. The furnishings were meager and cheap. The small TV in the room didn't work. The air conditioning was a window unit that clattered loudly all night and kept the room only slightly cool. It had rained both days they were there, which just meant they'd spent two days in bed, alternating between making love and writing songs. The morning they were to leave it dawned sunny and hot and, as they'd taken a walk along the beachfront, Deacon had bought her the hat, to keep the sun off her face.

She'd worn it for years after that and it had always reminded her of that little getaway to Mexico. She took it out of the box and put it on her head as she went through the rest of the contents.

Some of the items just had sentimental value, like old set lists and coasters from places where they'd played. But some brought tears to her eyes, like the napkin Deacon had written 'A Life That's Good' on. She looked at Deacon's familiar scrawl, faded now to a very light blue. He'd only written the first verse and the chorus and had finished it later. But she remembered the night he played the song for her and then, practically blushing, he'd given her the napkin. She had cried when he told her he'd been inspired just by looking at her. She told him she'd fallen in love with him inside of five minutes that night. The truth was it hadn't even taken that long.

Her first recording contract was in the box. That had been both exciting and scary. It had meant she'd finally accomplished her dream, but the idea of five albums had been a little terrifying. It was such a risk, but thankfully it had paid off for her.

Deacon's album was in the box. He'd done it with her encouragement. When it had died a quick death, she'd felt responsible. It was a great album, but the fact that it turned out to be a stiff had driven him deep down inside himself. He'd been wasted most every day for a month, drowning his sorrow over having taken the risk and lost. She knew he'd come to Nashville, like every other singer and songwriter, to be a star. It had taken a long time before she'd finally stopped beating herself up for being the one to have that success. He'd never blamed her or begrudged her, had always supported her, but she knew that failed album had caused him much pain.

She got up and put the album on the record player in her room and went back to the box, the room filling with the sound of his voice. The playbill from their debut at the Opry was there, back when they billed themselves as a duo. She'd been so excited that night. It had been a whirlwind and her heart had been beating out of her chest the entire time they were on stage. She still got a little thrill every time she stepped out on that stage.

There were lots of guitar picks, many of which she'd painted with little hearts and their initials. She picked out the pictures, one by one, of the two of them. On stage mostly, but also some pictures taken by members of her band. It struck her that, so often, they were touching. Holding hands, arms around each other, but sometimes just hands brushing against each other or his hand on her thigh. She breathed in as she looked at them. They always made her heart hurt just a little, these days. Many of those pictures were from their early days, when things weren't so difficult, when their love was new and fresh.

And then there, at the very bottom, was the little velvet bag. She picked it up and held it in the palm of her hand. Most times, when she looked in the box, she left it alone. But today she pulled the cord to open it and turned it upside down, letting the silver ring fall into her hand. She held her palm flat, spreading out her fingers, as she looked at it laying there. It had three tiny diamonds nestled into the etching of vines around the ring. Holding it in her hand, she could almost feel it burn with all those unfulfilled promises.

Deacon had given her the ring one night at the cabin. She thought he was sober and she'd let her guard down. She and Teddy hadn't been dating all that long, back then, and she'd felt slightly disloyal when she'd gone to the cabin with Deacon. But then he'd surprised her with the ring, asking her to marry him. She'd looked into his eyes and had seen the Deacon she'd fallen in love with, clear-eyed and in control. So she said yes. Except that he wasn't in control and, just like all the other times, once he felt comfortable with her back in his life, he started drinking again. Which is how she'd found him the next morning, so drunk he didn't even remember anything about the night before.

She'd thrown the ring at his feet, but it had rolled away under a chair. After she'd gotten dressed, she'd found it and put it in her purse. Then she'd taken his keys and driven back to Nashville, leaving him there. Cole had picked her up at Deacon's and taken her home, then gone to the cabin to pick Deacon up. She'd sworn right then and there she was truly done with Deacon Claybourne. For good.

Except that six weeks later she'd missed a period and she was sick every morning. Six weeks later she knew she was pregnant with Deacon's baby and her life was never going to be the same.

She'd always wanted to marry Deacon, practically from the moment she met him. They had talked often about their future together, about the family they would have, about growing old together. But marriage never was in the cards for them. At first, it was because they were so focused on building their careers, but then it became his drinking. Instinctively, she'd known marriage to an alcoholic would be difficult and, because they wanted a family, she'd also known she couldn't bring children into that kind of relationship. But then that one magical night at the cabin, she'd thought it was finally time, that she could trust him finally.

She often thought it was because they'd been apart for several months, that being away from the daily grind of watching over an alcoholic had softened the edges for her, made her more hopeful than she should have been. She had been devastated to discover she'd been wrong about him, yet again. But now here he was, five years sober, far longer than he'd ever managed to stay sober before. He was all that she ever wanted, but now it was too late for them. She'd made a decision, back when she'd married Teddy, and now she'd put the final seal on it when she'd given birth to Teddy's daughter.

She looked at the ring, feeling sad for the lost opportunities, then dropped it back in the bag. She pulled the cord tight and buried the bag in the bottom of the box. She pushed herself up off the floor and went to the record player. She picked the needle up, turned off the player, and put the album back in the cover. She put the record in the box, put the top back on and slid it back under the shelf.

She cried all the way home.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon was working on some music when his phone rang. He set his guitar down and picked up the phone. _Rayna._ "Hey, Ray," he said, as he held the phone to his ear.

"Hey there. So, Bucky called today and we've been asked to perform at the CMA's."

"Really?"

"They want us to do 'The Rivers Between Us'. We'd be the fourth performance." She paused. "I'd like us to do the duet version. If that's okay."

"Sure. Why wouldn't it be?"

"No reason." She paused again. "So, I booked a couple days at the end of the week for us to rehearse. At Sound Check."

"Sounds good. What time?"

"Two. Thursday and Friday."

"I'll be there." He could hear her breathing, so he didn't disconnect.

"I don't think we'll win," she said finally.

He rubbed his hand over his face. "It don't matter. Being nominated is a big deal."

He could hear her sigh. "I know. But, I don't know, I guess it's kind of a special song for me, or something. From the night I got inducted into the Opry."

He breathed out. "It's still a good song, Ray. Win or lose."

"I know." She was silent for a long moment. "Well, I'll see you Thursday, okay?"

"Sure. Bye, Ray."

"Bye." And she hung up.

He sat looking at his phone for a minute, then finally put it down on the coffee table. He leaned back on the sofa and ran his hands over his face. She'd been nominated, plenty of times. She'd been nominated twice since he'd been back in her band. But this was the first time they'd done this together. He knew they wouldn't be sitting together. She would be close to the front – with Teddy – and he'd be farther back, with the non-famous nominees.

He'd gone with Rayna several times to awards shows. He'd also missed awards shows because he was drunk. Of course, he'd missed lots of things because he was drunk. He thought back to the first awards show they'd gone to. Rayna was nominated for the Horizon Award and she was also asked to present. She'd just turned twenty-one and she was beyond excited. That was also the day he'd taken her to see the cabin. He'd bought it for her. Her dream house. They almost hadn't made it back in time for rehearsal.

She didn't win that year – she took home the trophy the next year – but it had been an exciting night just the same. He'd been so proud of her as he watched her present the CMA for Vocal Duo of the year with Pam Tillis. She'd looked so pretty that night and she'd been so starstruck. He'd surprised her with a limo to take them to and from the show and on the way home, she'd hit the button to raise the privacy window and they'd done some seriously heavy petting.

 _She practically tumbled out of the limo when they got to their apartment, giggling as though she were drunk, with the strap on her dress down across the top of her arm, her shawl twisted around her shoulders and her shoes off. She hurried up the steps, pausing to wait for him to catch up, and then she grabbed his hand and they raced the rest of the way up to the door. He tried to put the key in the lock, but she slid her hand down between his legs, rubbing him suggestively._

" _Oh, God, baby, let's get inside," he'd moaned and then she pressed herself against him and kissed him. He grabbed onto her hair and hungrily kissed her back. Then he pulled his lips away and moved his hand down her back and focused on unlocking the door. When he got the door open, he pushed her inside. She ran towards the bedroom and he followed her, grabbing her arm and pulling her back into his embrace._

 _Their lips crashed against each other and their tongues fought each other. They were both breathing hard and started pulling at each other's clothes. Finally he turned her so she was facing the small chest of drawers. He lifted the back of her dress and pushed inside her until she cried out his name._

He took in a deep, shuddering breath and then shook his head as though to rid himself of the memory. It certainly wouldn't be like that this time. If they didn't win, they might not even see each other at all.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She watched him as he packed up his messenger bag and put his guitar in its case. She thought about how predictable he was in so many ways. He did things the same way. He kept things until they wore out or broke. She remembered how everything still looked the same in the house, when she went back for the few things she'd left behind when he went to rehab the fourth time. Even though she'd broken up with him, her pictures were still out, the concert posters still on the wall. It was as though he was waiting for her to step back into his life.

She thought now that the predictability of his life gave him something to hold fast to while he navigated sobriety. It was something he could control, that sameness.

She'd watched over him for all those years. Watched him nearly destroy himself – and her – as she fought to keep him safe. Fought to keep him alive. She never truly forgot the terror of not knowing where he was or how he was, those days and nights when he went missing. She still sometimes woke up in the night remembering how she'd lean over to see if he was breathing, only to see Teddy lying beside her, perfectly fine. She wondered sometimes if she'd ever stop worrying about him, even though he wasn't her responsibility to worry over anymore.

She had worried after he told her he and Taylor had broken up. She'd watched him pull inside himself, as he typically did, stepping away in solitude. It was always times like that, in those dark days, when she worried the most, when she watched the most. She couldn't shake the habit.

 _He'd seemed even more quiet than usual. Deacon had never been one for small talk and he was not the gregarious sort, always seeming to be uncomfortable in crowds or unfamiliar situations. He preferred just a few friends around him, a more solitary life. But he seemed more withdrawn than usual when they'd headed out on the buses after the short break. He'd even declined her invitation to ride on her bus._

 _They were getting ready for sound check in Raleigh, a week into the tour. Other than sound checks and shows, she'd seen little of him and he'd been more quiet than usual. He looked sad, she thought, and weary. She finally walked up to him. "Hey, Deacon." He turned to face her. She screwed up her face. "You okay?"_

 _He looked at her for a moment and then nodded curtly. "Yeah. I'm good." He turned away, pulling things out of his bag._

" _You sure?" Because she wasn't. "Everything okay with Taylor?"_

 _He stopped and was just still for a moment, his hands on his hips. He breathed out and then turned to face her. "No, it ain't. We broke up. And I don't wanna talk about it." He frowned at her._

 _She admitted to herself she wasn't surprised, but he looked both hurt and a little angry. "I'm sorry," she said, reaching out to put her hand on his arm. He shook off her hand and stepped back. "Really, I am."_

" _I don't want to talk about it," he said, his voice clipped and a little louder than before, as though he thought she hadn't heard him the first time. He raised an eyebrow. "Okay?"_

 _She nodded. "Sure." She put her hands up and stepped back. "Sure." Then she watched him turn and walk away._

She'd been watching him since. Keeping an eye on him to be sure he was okay. A few weeks later she'd asked him about how his program was going and if he was making his meetings and he'd barked at her to leave him alone. She resisted her impulse to keep asking him how things were, but she kept watching. And finally he seemed to have worked through it and gotten back to his normal self. She'd verified he was still going to the meetings that she'd required of him when she'd originally hired him back and, although she would always keep an eye on him, she let herself relax.

* * *

Rayna set Maddie's plate down in front of her at the table and then went back to get plates for herself and Teddy. Daphne was sitting in her high chair, shoving Cheerios in her mouth. As she was walking back to the table, Maddie started talking to Teddy. "Mama sings so pretty, Daddy," she said.

Teddy looked up at Rayna and smiled, then focused back on Maddie. "Did you sing with Mama today?" he asked.

Maddie picked up her fork and stabbed a chicken nugget, biting off a bit and chewing. She shook her head and then, after she swallowed, said, "Mama and Deacon sang today. That song from the opera."

Rayna's smile faded a little as she set the plates down. She could see Teddy's jaw tense. She had picked up Maddie from school and taken her to Sound Check. The little girl had been thrilled to see Deacon and he had seemed genuinely happy to see her. "Opry, sweet girl," she corrected.

Maddie looked at her, waving her fork. "Opry." She looked back at Teddy. "They sing pretty together."

Teddy smiled at Maddie. "I'll bet," he said, then cut his eyes over to Rayna. The smile was still on his face, but it did not reach his eyes. "So you were doing what today?" he asked, his voice just slightly brittle.

Rayna sat down and smiled tightly. "I told you, Teddy, I was asked to perform at the CMA's."

Teddy shook his head. "With _him_?"

"We wrote the song together." She cut her eyes over to Maddie. "We can talk more about it later."

He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, you can rest assured we will do that." He turned back to Maddie and focused on her.

Rayna felt queasy and just picked at her food.

* * *

It was Teddy's night to put the girls down for the night. Rayna sat in the den, flipping through a _Country Weekly_ magazine she wasn't even really looking at, as she waited. She felt sure Teddy was going to fly off the handle about her singing with Deacon. Just what she was trying to avoid by not talking about it. She heard his footsteps on the stairs and she took a deep breath, keeping her eyes on the magazine.

"So, when were you going to tell me this little tidbit of information, Rayna? That you and _Deacon_ were singing at the show and not just you," he asked, his voice tinged with anger.

She looked up. Teddy's face was flushed and he stood with his hands on his hips. She could feel the tension. She sighed. "I'm not sure why you would have thought he wouldn't be on stage with me, babe," she said, evenly. "We wrote the song together."

"And you're going to sing it together?" he asked.

She looked away and then back at him. "Of course, we're singing it together."

He shook his head. "You're singing it the way you did in the studio," he said. "The way you told me you would _not_ sing it."

She shook her head. "I told you we wouldn't sing it like that at the Opry." She knew she was being deliberately evasive, but she didn't want to argue.

He laughed sharply, an ugly sound. "I don't know why I believe anything you say about him, Rayna," he said. "I told you it was a mistake to hire him back, but you did it anyway. And now you're all emotionally wrapped up in him and all his drama, just like I knew you would be."

She frowned, then threw the magazine on the coffee table and stood up, walking over to him. "I am _not_ all emotionally wrapped up in him, Teddy," she said, her voice sharp. "He has his life and I have mine."

"Oh, please, Rayna. Don't act like I'm oblivious. You told me, no, you _promised_ me, he wasn't riding on your bus, and yet I find out that, in fact, that's exactly what he does." She opened her mouth to say something, but he waved her off. "Don't deny it, Rayna. Our daughter told me that little tidbit, too. You should have considered that when you decided to carry on your little affair right in front of her."

Rayna gasped. "I am not having an affair! How dare you!" She stepped closer to him, narrowing her eyes and lowering her voice. "All he does is ride with us so we can write. Nothing more. And not every day. Plus he doesn't _stay_ on my bus. I would never cheat on you, Teddy, and I sure wouldn't do it in front of our daughter."

Teddy smirked. "At least you remember she's _our_ daughter. Are you going to tell me you don't do this so that she develops a relationship with him?"

Rayna looked away, then back at him. "No. I _do_ want her to have a relationship with him. But as a family friend, Teddy. If he's not going to know she's his flesh and blood, I want him at least to have a relationship with her."

Teddy shook his head. "It's a slippery slope, Rayna. I think it's a good thing she's not going out on the road with you anymore. It's not healthy for her to have a relationship, as you say, with a drunk."

Rayna's eyes flashed with anger. "Stop it! Just stop it!" she hissed. "He's been sober for five years. And he would never, _ever_ hurt her."

Teddy breathed out. He raised his hand and pointed his finger towards Rayna. "He's a bad influence. I realize I can't tell you what to do with your own life and career, although I've certainly told you how I feel and asked that you respect my feelings, which you don't, but I can certainly get involved when it has to do with my daughters. I already have to hear Maddie talk about Deacon like he's some sort of god and I am telling you I don't want him around our girls."

"Teddy, you're being ridiculous! Deacon is not a threat to the girls. That's just not true." She was livid.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Rayna, but I'm going to have to insist on this. And, if you have any feelings for me at all, you'd consider distancing yourself from him."

"I can't believe you would even say that, Teddy. You're my husband. I love you. I would never disrespect you that way. Deacon is in my band, and that's it." She threw her hands up then and walked away. "I can't even believe we're having this conversation."

"Well, believe it, Rayna. And remember, this is all _your_ doing." He turned and stalked out of the room, leaving her fuming.

She threw herself down on the couch, tears filling her eyes. _This is impossible. I've worked so hard to manage those boundaries._ She knew she'd done nothing wrong. She'd tried always to be honest with her husband. She hated feeling caught in the middle like this.

When she finally went to bed, the room was dark and Teddy was laying on his side towards the window. She could tell he wasn't asleep, but she said nothing as she changed into a t-shirt and pajama shorts and crawled into bed. She lay with her back to Teddy and closed her eyes, but there was very little sleep for either of them that night.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He thought Rayna looked out of sorts on Friday when they met at Sound Check. She seemed distracted as they started to practice, forgetting the words, losing her place. He finally stopped playing and she looked at him with an irritated look on her face. "What's going on, Ray?" he asked.

She scowled and then threw her hands up in the air. She walked over towards the edge of the stage, then back, her hands on her hips, looking off in the distance. "Nothing, Deacon," she said. Then she looked at him. "Not a damn thing."

He raised his eyebrows. "Don't seem like it to me," he said.

She threw her hands up again. "I told you it was nothing," she shouted. "Stop badgering me!"

He frowned and pulled his guitar strap over his shoulder and walked over to her. "Hey, I ain't badgering you," he said. "I'm just asking 'cause you seem a little out of sorts today. We don't have to practice, if you got other stuff going on." He was startled then when she put her hands to her eyes and burst into tears. He took a step closer to her. "Hey, Ray, I'm sorry if I upset you."

She didn't look at him. "It's not you," she said, her voice shaky.

He went and set his guitar in its case and then walked back to her. "We don't have to finish," he said. "What's going on? Is it the girls?"

She looked at him, her eyes red with tears. She looked tired, he realized, tired and anguished. "It is, but it's not." She took a deep breath. "Teddy and I had this awful fight about us doing the song at the CMA's. I guess I didn't specifically tell him you were doing it with me, but he should have known that. I mean it's _our_ song." She looked at him. "Maddie was going on about seeing you and he just got all bent out of shape. I don't even know why."

His heart hurt, hearing her pain. "You know, I don't have to do this…."

She waved her hand at him. "Of course you do. It's our song, Deacon. I don't know. It's like he's jealous, or something." Tears started down her face again. "We haven't _done_ anything that he could be jealous about and I just don't know if I can stand that another second."

He took two steps towards her and put his arms around her, initially just wanting to comfort her. After a moment, though, she put her arms around him, and he started thinking about how good she felt and how good it felt to hold her. He put his finger under her chin and turned her head up to look at him. "It'll be okay, baby," he said. Then he leaned down and brushed his lips against hers. For a second, he thought she was responding to him, but then she pushed against his chest. Hard.

Her eyes were flashing. "What are you doing?" she cried.

He felt a wrench in his heart. She'd seemed so unhappy, so upset with Teddy. "I…I don't know," he whispered.

She backed up. Her tears were gone, replaced with anger. "I'm not available for you, Deacon," she said. "That hasn't changed. I thought you understood that. I was clear with you about that."

Something inside him snapped. He raised his eyebrows. "Really? Really, Ray?" He waved his hand and then put both hands on his hips. "Seems to me you been pulling me in closer and closer, all this time. Blurring the lines. Meeting me in private. Writing songs again. Writing _this_ song." He breathed out and ran his hand over his mouth, looking up towards the ceiling, then back at her. "I think you want it both ways."

She shook her head and scowled. "That's absurd! Just because I care about you does not mean I want to cross the line with you. There has been no change in that for me."

He let out a short laugh. "You sure about that? Then how about telling me what all this stuff is about 'us', the history of 'us', how I'm family and you want to honor all of what we were about, are about? What about all that?" He felt like he'd been kicked in the gut.

She stomped her foot. "I can't believe you don't understand. Yes, we have a history, but it's the past. I thought we could be friends. But now I'm just not so sure." She stood for a moment, with her hands on her hips, breathing in and out slowly. "I thought I made it really clear, back five years ago, that I couldn't do that with you. I'm _married_ , Deacon, and I'm committed to my marriage. You need to figure out how to get past this, move on with your life." She shook her head and then turned and walked towards the steps. When she got there, she turned around. "We have to be able to perform together at the CMA's, Deacon. You need to figure out how to do that without any other expectations." Then she stomped her way down the steps and out the door.

He stood there, breathing in and out, fighting the urge to break something. When he finally had regained control, he closed his guitar case and picked it up, heading out of the building to his truck. When he got home, he packed a duffel bag and headed for the cabin.


	11. As You Turn Away

_**A/N: Thanks to those of you who are reading this and, most especially, to those who've taken time to leave a review. I think any writer would tell you that having feedback helps – to know if we're on the mark or to know how you view things. This particular time in Deacon and Rayna's life is the one we really know the least about and my plan was to try to be as authentic to how I thought that might have gone as I could be and I've appreciated knowing how you perceive it. I think there is at least some denial on the part of Rayna, but I also think she's so conflicted. It goes to the deep connectedness and love she and Deacon shared, what led up to "I love you. That's just never not been true." And Deacon – poor Deacon – who wears his heart on his sleeve. We could see from the beginning that this was indeed an unrequited love for him, but that he always had hope. We could see it after they sang "No One Will Ever Love You" – there was something there they both acknowledged, but then she pulled back, again, and left him putting everything out there on his own. At this stage, I think things finally started to change a bit for the two of them, so you'll see some changes in their relationship after this chapter.**_

 _ **I'm hoping to have this done by the time the hiatus is over, but it's also taken on a bit of a life of its own, so we'll see. Thank you for going on the ride with me.**_

He turned away from the lake and looked up at the house. He'd come here a lot in the days and weeks and months after he'd come back from that last stint in rehab. Especially in the beginning, it had been hard, being back in Nashville, knowing Rayna had moved on. When she'd invited him back into her band, he'd needed this place even more. Being around her had filled him with such regret, it nearly overwhelmed him. He'd still loved her so much it hurt and he'd had a hard time figuring out how to live his life without her in it.

Over time, he'd accepted the reality and the pain wasn't as great and the hurt faded a little. Having Taylor in his life had helped, but Rayna holding so steadfast to her boundaries had just reinforced that that part of his life was done. Until she'd started letting him in again. All the talk of their history and what they meant to each other. Writing together again. And, although he'd known better than to take it literally, hearing her tell him she loved him, even if it was a platonic kind of love. All of those things had toyed with his mind and had given him a small amount of hope.

Then knowing she and Teddy had fought – about him – made him think there was a chance. But that had just been wishful thinking on his part, turned out.

He walked the short distance to the porch and climbed the steps. Instead of going inside at first, he sat in one of the chairs overlooking the lake. There was a chill in the air here that wasn't yet in Nashville and he sat with his hands in his pockets. One of the things he liked about this place was that it was still very rural. There were no cell towers here – you had to drive three miles down the road to get service – and no cable service. He'd never put in a TV here or gotten a landline phone. It had always been meant as a getaway and he'd never seen a reason to change that.

He took a deep breath and then he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and rubbed his face with his hands. He could still see how angry Rayna looked. She'd gone from crying to fury in just seconds. She'd pushed him away, hard, and told him he had violated their agreement, that he needed to move on. He'd been so sure, she seemed so vulnerable then, like she needed him. He could feel tears in his eyes. Clearly he'd misunderstood the way she needed him.

He'd been so sure she had tucked those feelings inside, but not too deep. He'd been so sure he'd seen something in her eyes, many times, that said she hadn't forgotten, that those feelings weren't gone. He'd walked a tightrope all these months, never quite being able to let her go and move on, even when he had someone right in front of him who would have taken him.

He put his head in his hands. He'd gambled and lost. And now he was here.

* * *

It was just past dusk when he finally went inside. He turned on the lights and looked around. It looked the same. Rayna's album covers were still on the wall. A selection of his guitars were displayed around the great room. It was a place for music. A place for love. But it was also a place for solitude and reflection, both of which he needed.

There was no wood in the rack and it was too dark to go bring any in, if there was any. He'd have to deal with that the next day. He turned on the heat, leaving his jacket on until it took the chill out of the air. He set his groceries on the counter. He hadn't brought much, since he wasn't sure how long he'd stay. He walked around the house, reacquainting himself with it. He took a deep breath, then hustled up the stairs to the second floor. He walked straight back to the bathroom at the end of the hallway, opening up the linen closet door. He squatted down and reached in, feeling for the false wall along the back of the bottom shelf. There was a small latch, easily missed if someone wasn't looking closely. He turned it and opened the wall piece, then pulled out 3 unopened bottles of whiskey.

He carried them down the stairs and set them on the counter in the kitchen. Then he sat on one of the chairs at the counter and stared at them. Finally he reached for one and held it in his hands, tipping it slightly. The last time he'd really wanted a drink was the night Taylor left. He'd actually driven to a liquor store and sat for over an hour in the parking lot before finally driving back home. He looked at the caramel colored liquid in the bottle. He could practically taste it, feel it burning as it went down his throat.

He set the bottle down and leaned back in the chair, closing his eyes.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She was still angry when she got in the car and sped out of the parking lot. But within minutes, the anger drained out of her and she just felt conflicted. She thought about what he'd said, that he thought she wanted it both ways. That wasn't really true though. _Was it?_ She thought about how it felt when he put his arms around her to comfort her. And she'd returned the embrace. It had felt so familiar. And his lips on hers.

For half a second, she'd wanted that. She'd needed that. She'd missed that. But she knew it was wrong. She'd told Teddy she wasn't a cheater and that was true. She'd worked hard to push down those feelings. She felt the tears welling up again, but this time they were for Deacon. She hadn't meant to be that harsh. She thought he'd understood. _Maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe there's no way the two of us can truly be friends, that we can separate what we had before from where we are today._

If it had only been her, she might have been able to do it. But she had Maddie to think about. It had been a while since she'd thought about what the likelihood was that she and Teddy would ever tell Maddie the truth about Deacon. She was five now. Old enough to understand, if she took Teddy out of her daughter's life and replaced him with Deacon. As much as Maddie adored Deacon, she was definitely a daddy's girl. She thought Teddy hung the sun, the moon, and the stars, and she just couldn't think about blowing up her daughter's life by turning it upside down.

She needed to fix things with Deacon, smooth over what had happened that afternoon. But she'd give it the weekend, give them both time to cool down, and she'd call him Monday. They could talk, get through it, get back on track, and be ready for the CMA's. She took a deep breath, satisfied that she'd figured out a plan.

 _ **~nashville~**_

After a weekend of rain, Monday had dawned sunny and crisp. He was glad to be able to get out of the house. Fishing wasn't as good this late in the fall, but he decided to take the fishing boat out on the lake anyway. He'd almost driven back to Nashville, but he was glad he'd waited out the rain. He'd written a lot of songs, things he'd never share with Rayna, but would be good for him to do in clubs around town. His best songs always came from pain, and he felt like he had pain to spare. The songwriting result was satisfying. The Bluebird had just asked him to do a showcase, every third Thursday when he wasn't on the road, and it had felt good to build up his song catalog.

In the middle of a heavy rainstorm, he'd stood on the lawn and poured out all three bottles of whiskey. It had made him feel strong, doing that. He was over five years sober and, although the temptation had been strong, he'd been able to overcome it. Thinking about that made him think about Rayna and he frowned. He still wasn't ready to face her after what had happened at Sound Check. He knew she was expecting him to be at the CMA's the next night, but he wasn't ready for that.

There was only a light breeze and the sun felt good as he rowed out towards the center of the lake. He baited his hook and threw the line out in the water, then sat back and waited.

He'd done a lot of thinking, about Rayna, about where things were between them, about where things would be when he finally went back to Nashville. He considered whether he should cut ties with her, find someone else to tour with. He wasn't sure he could stop loving her, but he recognized that the proximity to her wasn't helping.

She was a loyal person, always had been. She'd stayed with him for eleven years, long after she should have left. And even when she did leave, it had been hard to fully disengage. The fact that she still considered him family, that she hired him back into her band, spoke volumes about her loyalty to people she cared about. He knew the things that had happened between the two of them were on him. All of that was laying at his feet. He'd tried her patience, had disappointed her over and over, had put her in a bad position countless times. And yet she'd never really given up on him. He laughed to himself. Even when she broke up with him, she took care of him. She gave him the house, so he'd have somewhere to go. She wouldn't badmouth him around town, so all his bridges weren't burned. She'd asked him back. He knew she was in a tight spot, but she could have figured something else out.

He squinted into the sun and sighed. He hated leaving her in the lurch, but she didn't really _need_ him for this. She could sing the song on her own, just like she had at the Opry. If they won, she could accept the award on their behalf. She'd be disappointed, he knew, but he needed to give her the space she wanted. He needed to honor her boundaries. It might be the only way he could show her how he felt, but he needed to let her go.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Bucky called her on Tuesday morning. "Have you heard from Deacon?" he asked.

She frowned. "Actually, no. I called him yesterday, left a couple messages, but he hasn't called me back."

"Well, his cell phone is going straight to voice mail and he's not picking up his landline either. How were things on Friday? Did he say anything about being out of pocket?"

She felt a niggle of apprehension. "Well, we had a little bit of a disagreement and he wasn't real happy with me, but he didn't say anything about not being around." She bit her lip. "I don't know what to think, Buck."

"Do you want me to go by his house?"

She had a panicky feeling as Bucky's words started to sink in. She felt sick to her stomach. She took a deep breath. "Keep calling him, Buck," she said, trying to keep the anxiety out of her voice. "I have to take Maddie to school and then I'll go by his house." _And all the local bars._ She wanted to cry.

* * *

As she hustled Maddie out to the car and put Daphne in her car seat, her mind was racing. She thought back to what she'd said to him after he kissed her. How she'd literally pushed him away. And it hadn't been that long since he'd broken up with Taylor. He'd been sober five years, but all it took were a couple highly charged, emotional situations, and he could be passed out somewhere…or worse.

Her panic ratcheted up as she drove as fast as she could to Maddie's school. Thankfully Maddie was chattering away to Daphne, who was babbling in return, instead of asking her usual stream of questions, demanding Rayna's attention. In her head she thought through the bars near his house, planning her route.

After she dropped Maddie off, she drove over to Deacon's. She drove slowly up and down the street, but she didn't see his truck. Her mouth felt dry and she was starting to get a headache. Her stomach felt tied up in knots. _I pushed him over the edge. I let him get too close and he wasn't ready. This is what he always does, he walks away. What do I do if I find him in a bar somewhere?_ With increasingly anxious thoughts racing through her head, she almost blindly started driving up and down streets in East Nashville, looking for his truck. She alternated between sheer terror and relief that she didn't see his truck anywhere.

 _She came home after a long day of label meetings. The house was strangely quiet. "Deacon?" she called out. No answer. She thought he might be outside. One of the things they really liked about this bungalow in East Nashville was the backyard. It was a great place to sit and write or just sit and enjoy a nice day. She checked but he wasn't out there._

" _Deacon?" she called out again as she walked through the kitchen and around to the bedroom. The bed was still unmade, clothes laying on the floor, just as she'd left it that morning. The only thing different was that Deacon wasn't in the bed. She glanced around the room and her eyes lit on his wallet and keys on the chest of drawers. She frowned and she also felt a little concerned._

 _She went down the hall towards the back bedroom, her heart in her throat. The door was cracked just a little and she swallowed hard before she pushed it open. She could see him lying on the bed, facing the wall. She saw a bottle of whiskey, three-quarters empty, and a glass sitting on the bedside table. "Deacon?" she called out. No answer._

 _She walked over to him and shook him. The odor of whiskey was overwhelming. "Deacon," she said, her voice sharp. "Wake up." He didn't react. She pulled at his arm until he was lying flat on the bed. "Deacon!" No response. "Deacon!" She could hear her voice rise with panic. She looked closely at him in the dimming light and wasn't sure if she actually saw his chest rise and fall. "Deacon!" she shouted, grabbing his shirt and shaking him._

 _She started to shake. She let go of his shirt and slowly lowered her trembling hand onto his chest. She was pretty sure she felt a heartbeat but it was hard to tell. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," she murmured. "Deacon!" she screamed._

 _She ran from the room and grabbed the phone, fumbling with it as she tried to dial 9-1-1. "Please hurry!" she cried out to the dispatcher. "My boyfriend's passed out and I'm afraid he might be…." She couldn't say it, all she could do was sob hysterically._

He hadn't died that day, of course, or on any number of other days when she found him so wasted she couldn't tell if he was dead or alive. It had been the worst part of her life, the part that eventually became so common she had made the decision to leave. It had been the hardest thing she'd ever done, because she'd always felt like the only reason he was still alive was because she was there to make sure he was. She'd agonized over her decision until she finally realized that she just couldn't live that way any longer.

She didn't want this day to be like one of those.

* * *

Finally she pulled into a convenience store parking lot, convinced he wasn't in a bar, at least not one in this neighborhood. She pulled out her phone. Her hands were shaking as she scrolled down to Coleman's number. She pressed call and then lifted the phone to her ear.

"Hey, Rayna," he answered. "How are…."

"Cole," she interrupted him. "Deacon's missing."

"What do you mean, missing?"

She took a deep breath and realized tears were rolling down her cheeks. She wiped them away. "We had an argument. I said some things that…that hurt him, I think. And now he's gone."

"When was the last time you saw him? Or talked to him?"

She choked on a sob. "Friday." She rubbed her forehead. "I tried calling him yesterday but he never answered. Cole, we're supposed to perform…at the CMA's tonight. And he's missing." Her voice trailed away.

"I can come look for him."

"He's not at any of the places he always went. I'm over here now and I don't see his truck anyway." She swallowed hard. "Would you go to the cabin, Cole? I think he might be there."

"I can do that. Rayna?"

She was trying, and failing, to stop crying. "Yeah?"

"Please try to stay calm. I'll find him."

"Will you…will you call me?"

"I will."

"Cole, I'm so scared."

"I know. But he's been sober a long time, Rayna. Let's not think the worst." He cleared his throat. "I'll call you when I know something. It might be a while, so don't worry."

"Okay. Thanks, Cole." She hung up and then put her head down on the steering wheel and sobbed.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He frowned at the sight of a car pulling down the drive. Very few people knew about this place. He got up from where he was sitting on the porch and walked down towards the drive. He rolled his eyes when he saw Coleman get out of the car.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded.

Cole shut the door and, shaking his head, walked towards the porch steps. "You should know better than to take off and not tell anyone where you're going."

He scowled. "It's nobody's damn business what I do," he said, darkly.

Cole raised his eyebrows. "Well, it is when you're supposed to be performing at the CMA's with Rayna Jaymes. And she's the one who knows your history better than anyone."

"Rayna sent you up here?" He stormed down the porch and into the house.

Cole followed him in. "What did you expect, Deacon? She still worries about you."

"I ain't her problem." He scowled as he watched Cole look around. "I ain't been drinking, if that's what you're worried about."

Cole looked at him. "Did you think about it?"

He looked away. He put his hands on his hips and breathed in deeply, then looked back at his sponsor. "Yeah," he said quietly. "I did." He breathed out. "But I didn't."

Cole took a couple steps towards him. "Rayna told me y'all had a fight."

He shook his head and scowled. "Wadn't no fight. I thought she…well, it don't matter what I thought. I was wrong. I needed to get away." He glared at Cole. "I don't need no lecture, Cole."

Cole shook his head. "I'm not gonna lecture you." He gestured towards the porch. "Why don't we sit down?"

He hesitated, working his lip. Then finally he walked out the door and sat in one of the porch chairs. Cole followed him outside and sat in the chair next to him. At first, they just sat, looking out over the lake. "You were right," he said, finally, his voice quiet. "It's been hard, being this close to Rayna. But it just felt like, you know, things were different."

Cole leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and sighed. "The two of you have a lot of complicated history, Deacon, I know that. You know it, she knows it. Maybe the two of you can't stay away from each other, but you really need to figure out how to live your life without waiting for her."

He sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. "I know," he said quietly. "I get it. I know she made her choice. Teddy. And her girls."

Cole looked over at him. "She cares about you, Deacon. She loved you for a long time, was there for you long after she should've left. But she couldn't go on like that and she had no way of knowing if you'd ever stay sober."

He opened his eyes and looked at his sponsor, filled with pain for all the hurt and disappointment he'd caused Rayna. "I'm sober now," he said.

Cole nodded. "I know. But you couldn't do it when the two of you were together. Maybe that should tell you something."

He looked out over the lake. "Maybe," he said. He rubbed his hands on his jeans and worked his lip. Then he looked back at Cole. "I ain't going back today," he said. "I can't go back and stand on that stage with her. Not tonight."

Cole breathed in. "Okay. I can let her know." He stood up and walked over to Deacon, putting his hand on his shoulder. "Don't stay here too much longer though. I know it hurts, but you need to get back and face it all." Deacon nodded, but didn't say anything, and then Cole turned and walked down the porch and got in his car.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She kept looking at her phone, worried that she'd missed a call or a message. The time seemed to inch by, with each second feeling like it was an hour long. Mia was taking care of the girls and she was sitting in front of her vanity while her stylist worked on her hair. Her phone buzzed and she leaned forward to grab it. "Cole, thank God," she said, as she answered. "Did you find him?"

"Yeah, Rayna, he was at the cabin, like you thought." He paused. "He's not coming back tonight."

She sighed. "Why not?"

"I think he has some stuff to work through."

"Was he…?"

"No. He wasn't drinking. There was nothing there to suggest he had been."

She breathed out a sigh of relief. "How was he?" she asked.

"Like I said, he has some stuff to work through. I think he's maybe a little confused, but he's working on it."

She didn't want to say too much, since she didn't have privacy, but she thought they probably needed to air things out at some point. "Thanks, Cole," she said. "I appreciate you checking on him."

"Of course, Rayna," he said. "Good luck tonight."

She smiled sadly. "Thanks."

* * *

She was waiting on the side stage to go on to perform. Watty had agreed to fill in for Deacon and he was waiting with her. "How you doing, my little songbird?" he asked.

She gave him a little smile. "Okay." She touched his arm. "Thanks for doing this."

He shook his head. "My pleasure. It's a beautiful song."

She nodded. She hadn't told Teddy until the last minute that Deacon wasn't going to be there, that Watty was going to be on stage with her. He'd seemed to relax then but, to his credit, he didn't say anything about it. She'd been grateful Watty was available. He'd been there from the beginning, even before Deacon. "You're always there to take care of me when I need it, Watty," she said.

He looked at her knowingly. "It'll be okay, Rayna. You two will work it out. You always do."

She didn't have time to respond, as they got the signal to take the stage.

* * *

Rayna took a deep breath as they started to read the names of the songs nominated in the Song of the Year category. She smiled and applauded all the other songs and when they announced 'The Rivers Between Us', she smiled and looked over at Teddy. He reached for her hand and squeezed it gently, smiling encouragingly. She really didn't expect to win, so when Martina McBride said "And the CMA goes to…'The Rivers Between Us'. Rayna Jaymes and Deacon Claybourne, songwriters," she was a little stunned.

Teddy leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Congratulations," he said.

She smiled at him, then got up and walked towards the stage. It wasn't the first time she'd won a CMA, but this felt like such validation. Songwriting was not always easy, although she'd always felt like it had been for her and Deacon. But this song was special and she felt overwhelmed to be honored for this one. When she got to the microphone and had hugged Martina and then taken the award, she turned back and looked out over the audience, clapping and cheering enthusiastically. She breathed in, wishing Deacon had been there for this. It felt bittersweet.

She leaned into the mic. "Thank y'all so much," she said, then breathed out. "This is so amazing, you know? I think, of all the things we do, writing songs is so personal, so intimate. We put a little bit of ourselves out there, sometimes a lot of ourselves, and we hope what we write resonates with you." She paused and looked down at the award, then back out at the audience. "I'm sorry my wonderful cowriter, Deacon Claybourne, isn't here tonight. I would tell you that the real reason this song is a success is because of him. This is for you, Deacon!" She held up the award for a second, then cleared her throat. "Deacon always said that every song is just three chords and the truth and that's definitely true for this one. It came from our hearts and it clearly spoke truth to you. Thank you so much!"

She had tears in her eyes as she walked off the stage. She would talk to him when he got home. They needed to fix this. _She_ needed to fix this.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He sat for a long time on the porch after Cole left. He thought about what he'd said, about how he needed to face it all with Rayna. He wasn't sure what that looked like or where they would be at the end of that, but he knew hiding out at the cabin wasn't the answer. He sighed deeply as he looked out over the lake. He'd head back to Nashville the next day. That was the first step.

* * *

Fortunately it didn't take long to find her car. He parked his truck and walked back over, leaning against it as he waited. About five-thirty he saw her coming across the parking lot and he could see the frown on her face when she saw him standing at her car.

"What are you doing here, Deacon?" Taylor asked.

He tried to smile. She looked good, he thought. He felt a momentary regret that he'd let her slip through his fingers. But she deserved better than what he could give her. "I wanted to come tell you I was sorry," he said.

She shook her head. "You didn't need to do that. I told you I didn't blame you."

He nodded. "I know. You said that. But I still gotta say it." He shoved his hands in his pockets and breathed in. "I know I screwed up. With you. I wish I hadn't."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Deacon…."

He shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. "I ain't asking you to change your mind. I know I messed that up. For good. I just wanted to tell you it wasn't you. It was never you. I wish I coulda done better by you. It's just, she and me, I don't know what we are, didn't know. It was just hard for me to let go, you know? And I wasn't fair to you."

She stood there, looking at him, and then she sighed. "No, you weren't. But I didn't have to stick around as long as I did either. It was hard for me to face the reality." She looked away. "I hate to say it, but I really have missed you. We had some really good times, back in the beginning, and I miss that." She looked back at him. "I hope you figure it out. I meant what I said – you deserve to be happy, to have that family. Don't let yourself believe you don't."

He felt sad, looking at her. He nodded. "I want to believe that," he said. "I gotta try to move on. It's hard to move on from all that history, but that's what I gotta work on."

She reached out and rubbed his arm briefly. "Good luck, Deacon."

He nodded and then he put his hands in his pockets. He hesitated just a moment, but there really wasn't anything else to say, so he walked back to his truck. He sat there for a few minutes, watching Taylor drive away. He chewed on his lip for a minute, thinking about her, thinking about what he needed to do next. Then he finally started the truck and headed for home.

* * *

It was two days after the CMA's. He was in the kitchen when he heard a knock on the door. He wiped off his hands, putting the dishcloth down on the counter, and walked into the living room. He could see her through the curtain over the door and his heart skipped a beat. He opened the door. "Hey," he said.

She smiled. "Hey." She held up the statuette. "We won." She held it out to him and he took it. It felt surreal to hold it in his hand. He looked at the award and then back at her, unable to form words. She breathed out. "Can we talk?"


	12. I Will Wait

She waited for him to say something, then realized she'd probably caught him off guard. "Can I come in?" she asked.

He looked around, then back at her and nodded. "Yeah, sure," he said, and stood back so she could come in.

She walked in and looked around. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Nothing had changed. Everything was still as it had been that last time she'd walked out of this house. She knew Deacon didn't like to change things, but she was still surprised to see how little it had. Her eyes darted around quickly. The fireplace. How many times had they made love in front of that? The guitars, displayed around the room, the better to grab one up when the writing muse struck. The door to the bedroom, where songs were written and where they….

She swallowed hard and made herself turn back to face him. He was looking down at the statuette he held in his hands. "I wish you'd been there," she said softly.

He looked up, his eyes filled with pain. "I'm sorry," he said.

She shook her head. "Don't," she said. She took a deep breath. "Look, I wish what happened the other day didn't happen. Any of it, quite honestly. But I think we can get past it." She looked around. "Can we sit down?"

"Oh, yeah, sure," he said, gesturing towards the couch. "Please, sit." He waited for her to sit at one end and he sat at the other and, after setting the award on the coffee table, turned towards her. "I shoulda been there, Rayna. I know I disappointed you."

She waved her hand. "It's past. Watty came and performed with me, so it was fine." She smiled at him sadly. "I just wish you'd been there to hear your name called, to walk up on stage with me, and enjoy that moment." She felt such pain in her heart, watching him.

He looked anguished in that moment. "Yeah. Me too." He looked away from her and breathed in, then out. "I know I screwed up…."

"It wasn't all you, Deacon," she interrupted. He looked at her, puzzled. "Some of what you said was true. We _had_ gotten closer and I think the lines got blurred a little. For both of us." She sighed. "You've always been important to me. You still are important to me. And I think you always will be. You were the one who rescued me when Daddy threw me out of the house. You were the one who always believed in me and supported me through all this. I could never have done this without you, Deacon. I would never be half the artist I am without you."

He shook his head. "That ain't true, Ray…."

"Of course it's true," she said, a little more sharply than she'd meant to. She twisted her hands in her lap. "You know me better than anyone," she went on, softening her voice. "You know things about me that no one else does. And I will never forget what we shared for all those years. There were some really amazing moments and some great love. But we both know it was so hard, for both of us, and I needed stability. I know you're sober now and I'm so proud of you. _So_ proud of you. I do wish you'd been able to do this all those years ago. But I'm so glad you're doing it now."

He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped, his head down. "You weren't wrong, that day. _I_ was wrong. I thought…."

"You know, I think it's all been a little complicated for both of us, these last few years." She started twisting her hands again. "And I think there are seasons in our lives and that season that was us, well, it's over. I don't want to screw _this_ up though. We can still perform together – and I want that – but that's all it can be." She hesitated. "I don't think we can write together anymore. I think that's so, I don't know, intimate, or something. And it confuses things." She took a deep breath. "I don't want to confuse you, Deacon, and I heard what you said. I have this family now, with Teddy and my girls, and that's what I want. It's what I _need_. But I want you as a friend and as someone I can still count on, professionally. I just hope we can do that."

He looked up at her, his eyes filled with incredible sadness. "I want to. I do."

She smiled encouragingly. "Well, we've got some time. We don't start rehearsals again until February. I think being apart for a while might help. You know, doing other things."

He nodded. "I been writing. And I got a thing at the Bluebird, every third Thursday."

She bit her lip. The Bluebird had such special memories for her. Especially the times she performed there with Deacon. Then she smiled at him. "I'm glad you're doing that, Deacon. I know you'll bring in the crowds." She paused. "You know, you really should do some demos. Get your music out there."

He frowned a little and shook his head. "I ain't doing that. I'm a behind the scenes guy."

She knew he'd lost a lot of confidence in himself after his failed album and she also knew he'd be disinclined to put himself out there again that way. But she thought his music deserved an audience. "What about other people then? I bet there are other artists who'd be interested."

He shook his head again. "Nah. It's just for me."

She shrugged. "Well, think about it." She rubbed her hands on her jeans and then stood up. He stood up as well. "I've gotta go. I need to pick up Maddie." He didn't say anything and she started for the door.

"Thanks for bringing…that by," he said from behind her.

She turned back. "You know, when I accepted that, I said the biggest reason the song was successful was because of you. I meant that." He looked like he might cry then and he looked away, his hands in his pockets. She stepped towards him and put her hand on his arm. He turned to look at her and she could see the pain in his eyes. "Thank you for that song, Deacon." He nodded and stepped back. She looked at him a moment longer, then turned and let herself out.

 _ **~nashville~**_

When Erika had offered him the opportunity for the every third Thursday spotlight, he'd initially hesitated. Although he loved playing the Bluebird, so many of his memories were tied up in playing there with Rayna. It had been three years after he'd finished his last stint in rehab before he'd ventured back to this hallowed place. There were plenty of listening rooms and small performing venues around Nashville and he'd been content with those.

The Bluebird was the place he'd aspired to, in the very beginning, when he'd first come to Nashville. He'd stood in line for open mics, only to miss out. He'd auditioned for songwriter nights, only to not be selected. He'd nearly given up until the dark and stormy night that had chased away most of the open mic hopefuls and he'd finally gotten his chance. There weren't a whole lot of audience members that night either, as Nashville hunkered down under the threat of severe weather. He'd gotten the opportunity to play four of his songs, instead of the usual two, and he'd actually been grateful for the small audience, as it helped to ease his jitters. The reception had been warm and encouraging and he'd felt a surge of hopefulness when he stepped down from the stage.

 _He was sitting at one of tables near the back, nursing a Coke instead of the whiskey he would have preferred but was too young to purchase, when a salt-and-pepper haired man with a beard and moustache sat down in the chair next to him. He'd glanced over at the man, who didn't say anything at first, wondering why he'd sat there when there were so many empty tables around the place. He looked back at the performer on stage then and listened until his set was over. There was a brief intermission then, and that's when the man turned to him, his hand outstretched._

" _Deacon, is it?" he asked. Deacon took his hand and nodded. "Deacon, I'm Watty White. I really liked what you did up there."_

 _He sat up straight, his heart in his throat. Watty White was one of the elite producers in Nashville and also well-known as having a keen eye for talent. He'd been an A &R man at Arista Nashville for a while, but was now an independent. The word around town was that if you caught Watty's eye, you were destined for greatness. He hadn't noticed Watty when he was on stage, which probably was a good thing. He swallowed hard. "Thank you, Mr. White," he said._

 _Watty gave him a tight smile. "You're quite the guitar player, Deacon. Exceptional, in fact. How old are you?"_

" _Eighteen, sir."_

 _Watty waved his hand. "Please. None of this 'sir' business. Anyway, I also liked your songs. I'm especially impressed considering how young you are. I'd have thought you were older than eighteen, based on the depth I heard there. I think you can polish them up a bit, but you have the ability to be a really great songwriter."_

 _He'd frowned then. He hadn't come to Nashville just to be a songwriter. "Thanks, but I…."_

" _I know," Watty interrupted him. "You want to be an artist. Everyone who comes here wants to be an artist. But that takes time and a lot of hard work. It won't happen overnight. And, truthfully, for most, it won't ever happen. But your songwriting could be the ticket." He breathed out. "I'll be honest with you, though, Deacon, I don't think your voice is particularly strong. It's perfectly good for a songwriter, don't get me wrong, and I think you could do backing vocals, but I'm not sure I see you as a front man."_

 _He sat back in his chair and fumed a little. "Well, with all due respect, Mr. White, I ain't here to just be a back-up singer." He got up and, picking up his guitar case, had left in a huff._

He smiled at the memory. Luckily, Watty didn't give up on him. And of course there was the night nearly a year later, when he'd introduced him to Rayna.

The Bluebird had been a safe place for them, when they were starting out. Some of his best memories as a performer were at the Bluebird, with Rayna. He thought it was probably true for her as well. It became the place, more than any other, that had seemed to become "their" place. And so for a long time he couldn't even cross the threshold, much less see himself on that stage, especially without her. But he needed to play and it really was the best place in town for that. He did spotlights and writer's rounds periodically, nothing regular, and he turned down as many as he accepted. But when Erika proposed the idea of a regular spotlight, he'd agreed.

* * *

As the night came to a close, he ended it with a song he'd written a couple days after Rayna had stopped by to bring him the CMA award. It didn't occur to him until she'd left that it was the first time she'd been in his house since she'd moved out, all those years ago. He'd felt bad, leaving her in the lurch at the CMA's, but he'd let himself get too close, let himself give life to his hope. He had needed to create a break, for himself, if not for her. He wasn't sure he could totally get past his feelings for her, but he couldn't live his life that way anymore.

She wanted to be friends. That had felt impossible, in the beginning, still felt like it would be hard work. But he owed her a lot and he wanted to figure out a way to do this. He knew she'd likely never hear the song, but it made him feel good to write it.

 _Say goodbye to all your pain and sorrow / Say goodbye to all those lonely nights / Say goodbye to all your blue tomorrows / Now you're standing in the light_

 _I know sometimes you feel so helpless / Sometimes you feel like you can't win / Sometimes you feel so isolated / You'll never have to feel that way again_

 _You are not alone / You're not alone_

 _I never thought I'd find the road to freedom / Never thought I'd see you smile again / Never thought I'd_ _have the chance to tell you / That I will always be your friend_

 _You are not alone / You're not alone_

As he took in the applause, he was glad he'd agreed to do this. It felt good to pour all his pain and heartache out in his music, felt cathartic somehow. He had begun to realize he'd kept it all bottled up inside, the struggle he'd been having reconciling his feelings with his reality. He could write from all the perspectives he was feeling – the anger, the hurt, the yearning, the confusion. But as he wrote, he started to find a way to deal with it all.

After everyone had left, he put away his guitar and shoved his music into his messenger bag. The musicians he used to back him up had all packed up and left and he was the only one left except for the bar back and Erika. She came and sat at the table where he was finishing up.

"So, how does it feel? Being back?" she asked, giving him a warm smile.

He smiled back. "Good. It feels good. Thanks for asking me."

"We have some of our best crowds on the nights you're here, Deacon. So it's good for business too." She grinned. "Our customers like you. Our regulars like you. And we're glad you're back home." She stood up. "I'll let you get going. I know it's late." She turned to walk back to her office, then stopped and looked back at him. "Congratulations on your CMA, by the way. We're proud of you here."

Every time he thought about the CMA's or someone mentioned it to him, he always felt unsettled. He wished he had been there, but it was water under the bridge. He gave her a tight smile. "Thanks," he said. Then he got up and gathered his things and headed out the door.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna was standing at the kitchen island, making a salad, when Teddy came home. She looked up and smiled at him as he walked over to her. He put a hand on the counter next to hers and the other lightly touching her back, leaning in to kiss her. He smiled. "How was your day?" he asked.

She shrugged. "The usual. I took Maddie and Daphne to the mall to see Santa. We met Tandy there and it was ridiculously crowded. Maddie had a little diva meltdown because the line wasn't moving fast enough for her. Daphne had to join in, so by the time we got to poor Santa, I had two cranky, crying little girls, which made for terrible pictures." She sighed. "I suggested coming back, but that made Maddie really go off the deep end, so we powered through. We were going to make cookies, but I wasn't going to spend time doing that with a misbehaving five year old. So now both of them are down for naps before dinner." She put down her knife and forced a smile to her face. "I'm sure your day was much better than mine."

He chuckled. "I don't know about that. I was in meetings with cranky bankers all day." He put his arms around her waist and turned her towards him. "I have a surprise for you though. And it sounds like something you need right about now."

She was intrigued. "Tell me," she said, with a sly smile.

"I made us a reservation at the Sandestin Resort for five days. We leave the day after Christmas. They have a kids program and babysitting for Daphne. And I booked a spa day for you so you can relax."

She gasped. "Oh, babe," she said, then put her hands on his face and drew him in for a kiss. "What a wonderful surprise. That's just perfect." She smiled and kissed him again. "Thank you. You always know just how to spoil me."

He smiled happily. "It's not easy finding the perfect surprise for the great Rayna Jaymes. I'm glad you're happy about it."

She ran her hands over his chest. "Oh, babe, don't be silly. My life on the road is not a bed of roses. This is going to just be heaven." She leaned in and kissed him again. "I'm going to let you know tonight just how appreciated you are," she whispered.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Two weeks before Christmas, Deacon got a call from an old friend. "Steve! What's up?" he asked.

"Hey, man, listen, I broke my wrist and am out of commission for about six weeks. The band is starting a southwest tour and I know Rayna is on hiatus til spring. You interested in filling in for me?" Steve's band, Sixwire, had started out around the time Rayna had and they'd ended up playing a lot of the same places in the early days. Their music was higher energy than Rayna's, with more of a country-rock feel, but they'd all become good friends over the years.

Deacon thought about it. Rayna's rehearsals weren't starting up until late February, so the timing was good. "Sure," he said. "Starting when?"

Steve chuckled. "Day after tomorrow?" he said.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. Sorry, man, but we start in Houston day after tomorrow. Look, if that's not enough time…."

Deacon shook his head. "Nah, I can do it."

"Okay, so if you can fly down to Hobby, we'll pick you up. Just let me know when you get in."

"I'll do it. So, still the same group?" He'd lost track of the band in the last few years. Sixwire had never made it out of the state fair/local venue circuit and so they weren't in the same touring circles any longer.

"We changed female leads a couple years ago."

He raised his eyebrows. "No more Kelsey, huh?" He smiled. Kelsey Manning had been the female lead for the band since the beginning. He remembered her as a pretty girl with a sweet country voice. She and Andy had been a formidable singing duo, so he wondered what happened.

"Yeah, she got married, the bitch," he said, then laughed good-naturedly. "She told us it was her last opportunity to have a regular life, so she wanted off the road. Can't say I blame her."

"So who replaced her?"

"Girl named Annabelle Henley. Really has major pipes and sex appeal all over the damn place. She's really amped up the crowds, that's for sure."

Deacon chuckled. "Well, that should be interesting. Look forward to meeting her."

"Okay, man, well, let me know when you get in and we'll see ya in a couple days."

* * *

Almost before he knew it, Deacon was on a plane to Houston. The minute the plane lifted off the runway in Nashville, he'd felt something change inside. It was as though the heavy weight he'd been living under the past five years had lifted off him. He found himself looking forward to this change of pace. It had been a long time since he and Rayna had played in honky tonks and dive bars and small dance halls. He was feeling reenergized already.

* * *

Steve looked past Deacon and waved his arm. "Annabelle, come meet Deacon," he called out.

Deacon turned around and felt his heart start pounding. He took in her dark brown hair that trailed down over her shoulders. She wore a flannel shirt and jeans that hugged her curves. As she got closer he noticed her creamy skin and her mesmerizing green eyes. He swallowed hard as she walked up, a pretty smile on her face. She put her hand out. "Hey, Deacon. I've heard a lot about you," she said. Her voice was like honey and she lightly bit her lip as she gazed into his eyes.

He jumped up and reached out, taking her hand. Her skin was soft, her touch electric. "Nice to meet you. I heard a lot about you too," he said. He couldn't take his eyes off her.

"Well, thanks for agreeing to fill in for Steve on such short notice. I know we're not as big a deal as Rayna Jaymes' band, but we do like to have fun." She looked around at the rest of the guys. "Y'all ready for sound check?" Without waiting for an answer, she walked away from them towards the stage.

Deacon watched her and felt rooted to the floor. _Damn._

* * *

When he woke up, it was still dark and he was a little disoriented. He lay still while he remembered where he was. He felt her fingers trail across his hip and start down his outer thigh. He breathed in sharply and she chuckled, a deep, sexy sound. She moved closer, molding herself to his back and slid her hand down lower. He groaned as her fingers stroked him with a feathery touch.

He turned over to face her, running his hand up her back. She laughed softly and teased his lips with her own. He groaned again and rolled her onto her back. She let out a little squeal and then moaned deep in her throat as he slid inside her. She raised her hips towards him and wrapped her hands around his neck. He leaned down to kiss her. "I think I'm going to like having you on this tour," she murmured against his lips.

He smiled. "I think I am too." Then he captured her lips with his and she wrapped her legs around his.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna reclined on a lounge chair on the balcony of their suite. She had her sunglasses on to keep the sun out of her eyes and she sipped periodically on the margarita sitting beside her. Teddy had taken the girls down to the pool so she could have some alone time. She smiled to herself. He'd made sure she had plenty of time to relax. She'd spent the day before at the resort spa, getting a massage and a facial, as well as a manicure and pedicure. She actually was missing her daughters.

It really had been a lovely getaway. Just what she'd needed. She closed her eyes, thinking about how Teddy had spent the last couple months trying to be the perfect husband. She knew everything that had happened with Deacon, around the song, had worried him. She knew he was afraid that one day she would leave him. She knew he felt like her second choice and, truthfully, he had been.

She felt a tear roll down her cheek and she reached up to wipe it away. Teddy was such a kind, gentle man. He was a loving husband and a wonderful father. Especially to Maddie, who wasn't even his daughter by blood. She knew he'd taken this on by choice, and she would never not be grateful for that. She wished she could love him the way he deserved to be loved. She did love him, but more in the way you would love someone who'd made a great sacrifice. Who'd been a hero, of sorts.

She had promised herself she'd work harder at the marriage, when she'd realized the dangerous spot she and Deacon were in, that she would recommit herself to those vows. This was what she _wanted_. This stable, normal life, where she could be a wife and mother, without the drama and the uncertainty that life with Deacon would surely have brought. Her own childhood had been filled with enough uncertainty and she and Tandy had paid the price for that in many ways.

She thought about her parents' fights, the pain they caused each other because her father wanted her mother to be someone she was not. Tandy had tried to protect her from as much of it as she could, but then it had all blown up when Virginia had been killed in that car crash. She didn't want that for her daughters. She wanted them to have a happy, normal life with friends and birthday parties and sleepovers. Her own life was hectic enough, with touring and recording and all the things that went along with being a successful artist, so it was comforting to know she could give her girls a father who would be there every night, to tuck them in, to read them stories. A father they could depend on, who would not disappoint them.

She hadn't seen Deacon since the day she'd taken him the CMA award. Hadn't even talked to him. It felt like the best thing to do. She hoped that separating herself from him would help her get some perspective. She hadn't even talked about him since a couple days after she'd seen him, when she had lunch with Watty.

" _So that was a nice speech you gave at the CMA's," he said. He took a sip of his bourbon._

 _She smiled at him. "I don't even know where it came from," she said, with a laugh. "I had something else planned, where I was going to thank God and everybody. Including you."_

 _Watty smiled and shook his head. "I didn't have anything to do with that," he said._

 _She looked at him with surprise. "Are you kidding? You had everything to do with that. You were the one who introduced us all those years ago."_

 _He looked at her carefully and a sadness seemed to cross his face. "I wonder sometimes if I did you any favors by doing that," he said._

 _She frowned. "I don't understand. You told me I needed a guitar player, that I needed someone to help me 'grow up my lyrics', I think was the way you put it."_

 _He shrugged. "But look at the heartache you went through, Rayna," he said gently. "Look at the pain he put you through."_

" _He didn't do that on purpose, Watty. You know that."_

" _He dragged you down with him, Rayna, into his own private hell. He could so easily have destroyed you."_

 _She scowled. "I don't understand this. I thought you liked Deacon, that you respected his talent."_

 _Watty raised his eyebrows and nodded. "I do. But if I'd known what a mess he was, I might have kept him away from you."_

 _She opened her mouth to respond, then stopped, biting her lip. She felt tears in her eyes. She breathed out. "I loved him, Watty," she said quietly. "He was my whole life for a very long time. And when he was well, he was amazing. He was sick and he struggled. He always wanted to do right, but he had a lot of pain in his life, you know that."_

 _He nodded. "I do know that."_

" _He's in a good place now." She felt wistful. She twisted her hands in her lap. "I wish he could have done this before."_

 _Watty reached out and put his hand over hers. "I don't think he could have done this then."_

 _She wiped at her tears with the heel of her hand, her face screwed up. "That's what Cole said." Her voice was shaky now with her tears and her emotion. "You just don't know how much it hurts to know that," she whispered._

It did hurt. It still hurt to know she couldn't protect him or save him. It seemed the only thing she could do was let him go. Except that he was so entangled in the fabric of who she was that she wasn't sure she could actually do that.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He was sitting at a table in the club where they were playing, a week before Christmas. He was reworking one of the verses on a song he'd started before he left Nashville.

"Hey there."

He looked up to see Annabelle. "Hey yourself," he said with a smile.

She sat opposite him and leaned over a little to see what he was doing. "You look all wrapped up in something," she said, with a smile.

He put down his pencil. "Just working on a song." It had been two days since that first night in Houston, when she'd pulled him into her room at the motel on the highway. They'd traveled overnight on the bus up to Lubbock. She hadn't approached him since the first night and he hadn't been sure what to make of that. Or exactly how he felt about it. He had enjoyed the sex and enjoyed her company, but it wasn't like this could last.

She sat back in the chair. "I'm glad Steve called you," she said. "You're really amazing on the guitar."

He gave her a small smile. "Thanks."

She grinned broadly. "Don't tell him I said so, but you're way better than he is."

He laughed. "I doubt that."

"No, it's true." She sat forward then and reached for his hand across the table. "I'd really like to invite you back to my space on the bus, but I'm afraid the rest of the guys would give you the business." He raised his eyebrows, but didn't respond. "I know you're just with us for a few weeks, but I'm looking forward to having a lot more fun with you."

He took a deep breath. "I need to tell you…."

She shook her head. "I know. You belong to Rayna Jaymes."

He frowned. "I never _belonged_ to nobody." He breathed out. "And we ain't been together in over five years." He pushed up from the table and, grabbing his notebook, he stormed out.

"Hey, that's not what I meant!"

He heard her call after him, but he didn't stop. He ran up the bus steps and flung himself onto his bunk. He laid on his back, breathing in and out to calm himself, clenching his fists. He was still fuming when she crawled over him into the bunk. He scowled. "What the hell are you doing?" he said, angrily.

She frowned back. "You sure do have a hot temper, don't you?" She laid on her side, her head propped up on her fist. He rolled out of the bunk. "Maybe you should listen instead of being so damn touchy."

He looked back at her. "I ain't touchy."

She smiled at him. "Yes, you are." She reached out for his hand, but he snatched it away. She rolled her eyes. "What I meant, if you'd stayed around to listen, is that I know you're only temporary. In our band as well as in my life. That you _belong_ in another band."

He was still frowning. He wasn't at all sure that was what she meant. "I don't belong to anyone or any band. I _choose_ to be in Rayna's band." He huffed. "Maybe you should have let _me_ finish."

She nodded. "Okay, that's fair. What were you going to say?" She smiled just a little, her mesmerizing eyes drawing him in.

He breathed in and looked warily at her. "I was gonna say I wanted to keep things casual." He really wanted to walk away from her, felt like he _should_ walk away from her, but he felt this undeniable pull towards her. The same pull he'd felt when he'd seen her walk up to the band the day he met her. She intrigued him in a way no one had since, well, since Rayna Jaymes.

She moved to the edge of the bunk and ran her fingers over his chest. This time he didn't stop her. "I'm sorry I cut you off. I'm glad we see things the same way though." She slid off of the bunk and looked up at him. "I'd like to introduce you to my private space," she purred, as she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the back of the bus.

 _ **A/N: I've commandeered the group Sixwire for my story. They play Rayna's band on the TV show and also back up Chip when he tours. I added a female singer just for the relationship interest.**_

 _ **The song Deacon sang at the Bluebird was "You Are Not Alone" by the Eagles. #RIPGlennFrey**_


	13. Do You Think About Me

Rayna was looking over the menu when Tandy blew into the restaurant. She raised her head up and smiled at her sister as Tandy gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and then sat across from her.

"Sorry I'm late, but Daddy had some super important contract he just had to review with _me_ ," she said, flashing a smile. "Of course, all it really was was him wanting to see just what I would tell him about what you were up to."

Rayna pretended to look shocked. "I can't even imagine Daddy doing something like that," she said, with a wink. "I do hope you told him you had no idea what I was up to."

Tandy wrinkled her nose and smiled. "Well, there was nothing I could really tell since you haven't told _me_ what you've been up to. Except that I know you were out of town." She leaned across the table and peered closely at her sister. "You do look like you got some sun."

Rayna grinned. "Teddy surprised me with a trip to the beach. Actually all of us. And I had a spa day." She laughed. "It was really lovely and the girls had such fun."

Tandy reached across the table and squeezed Rayna's hand. "I'm so glad you had fun," she said. "That Teddy really is the sweetest."

Rayna raised an eyebrow at her sister, then nodded. "Well, yes, I guess he is." She sighed. "I think I hadn't really…appreciated how very thoughtful he can be."

"He loves you, sweetheart. He adores you and the girls. He'd do anything for you."

Rayna looked away for a second, making a little face, then looked back. "Tandy, I'm already married to the man. We have two daughters. You don't have to convince me now."

Tandy shrugged. "It never hurts to be reminded that your man takes good care of you." She picked up her menu and pretended to look it over. "Especially when you brought your old boyfriend back into your band."

Rayna rolled her eyes. "Tandy, that's been five years ago."

"I know." She glanced up at Rayna. "But he's still around. I don't blame Teddy for not liking it."

"Look, I came to lunch to have a nice time with my sister. Not hear about how much you don't like my bandleader choices."

Tandy looked up, an innocent look on her face. "I'm all for having a nice time, babe," she said, with a smile.

* * *

She really wished Tandy hadn't brought up Deacon. The vacation had helped her to refocus on how good a husband Teddy was and now she couldn't stop thinking about Deacon. She wondered what he was doing, how he was. If he was thinking about her.

 _ **~nashville~**_

After the second set at the Blue Bell in Plainview, Texas, the band members packed up their gear and moved it to the bus. They were staying in the adjacent Blue Bell Court Motel for the night before heading to Amarillo. Annabelle had whispered to Deacon to join her back at the bar when they were done packing up the bus, so he waved off the rest of the guys and headed back inside.

Annabelle was sitting at the bar, swinging one foot back and forth, chatting up the bartender. He watched her as she dipped a celery stick into some kind of dressing, taking small bites. Her hair was in loose waves halfway down her back and he thought about how he'd tangled up his fingers in that the day before. He took a deep breath and walked over to the bar stool next to hers.

Her eyes lit up when she saw him and she smiled. "Hey, y'all all done?" she asked, turning towards him.

He nodded. "Yeah."

She turned to the bartender. "I'd like a shot of Jack and my friend here will have a…." She looked at him, with her eyebrows raised.

He shook his head. "Just club soda," he said to the bartender, who walked off to get their drinks.

She looked surprised. "Really?" she asked.

He hopped up on the stool and faced her, resting his boot on the bottom rail of her stool, in between her feet. He looked at her a minute. "I'm an alcoholic," he said. "Been sober almost six years."

"Really." She looked closely at him. "I'm impressed. Six years." He nodded. The bartender came over with the shot of whiskey and the club soda. She looked over and pushed back the shot glass. "I'll just have a club soda too."

"You don't gotta do that."

She turned to look at him. "Yeah, I do." She smiled and leaned a little forward, running her hand over his thigh. "I don't want you to taste whiskey when you kiss me."

"It really ain't a big deal," he said, breathing in. Actually it _was_ a big deal and he found himself impressed that she understood that it was.

She nodded. "Yeah, it is. If you've worked this hard to stay sober, I don't want to tempt you." She winked. "At least not tempt you with alcohol."

* * *

They hadn't stayed at the bar long before Annabelle led Deacon to her room. As she unlocked the door, she'd looked back at him with a smile on her face. "You should probably not waste the money on your own room anymore," she said.

He laughed out loud and let her pull him inside the room, shutting the door behind them.

* * *

They were lying in bed, wrapped up in the sheets, Annabelle curved into him and his arm around her. He nuzzled her neck, thinking how much he liked her slightly spicy scent. And her creamy soft skin. And the way she giggled like a school girl when he touched his tongue just behind her ear. She sighed deeply.

"What's it like being on a big arena tour?" she asked, her voice wistful.

"Like this, except for more people," he said.

She was quiet for a minute. "I find that hard to believe," she said finally. "You've got, what, fifteen, twenty thousand people paying good money to hear you perform? Quite a bit different from playing to, if you're lucky, a hundred."

He rubbed his hand up and down her arm. "You know, I started out at places like the ones we're at. Not really all that long ago." He kissed her shoulder. "We were just happy people wanted to hear us."

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm happy people want to hear us. I'm happy I get to sing in front of them. This was my dream from the time I was a little girl." She sighed again. "But I have bigger dreams, you know? And I wonder if I'll ever get to live them."

He worked his lip for a minute. He didn't really want to talk to her about Rayna, but he wanted to give her hope. "You know, Rayna thought the same thing. I still remember her wondering if she'd ever make it. But she did. You can too."

Annabelle rolled over to face him, laying her hand on his arm. "But it didn't really take her all that long. I mean, she was opening for people like George Strait when she was, what, twenty?" She lowered her eyelids a bit. "I'm older than that."

He smiled at her. "Not much older," he said.

She ran her thumb over his skin. "And she was a lot more talented than me," she said quietly.

He breathed in. He knew talent wasn't always involved, although Rayna was and, truthfully, so was Annabelle. "She was in the right place at the right time. Sometimes it's a little bit of luck."

"Yeah, but you know" – she put her hand on his chest and looked up at him – "truth is, I'm not gonna get there with Sixwire. Don't get me wrong, I love all these guys, but they've been playing together a long time and they're still in the same place. And they like it. I just, well, I just want more."

He pulled her closer and kissed her on the forehead. He couldn't help but think how much she sounded like Rayna, back before she'd gotten her break. "Just keep working at it," he said softly. "It'll come." She looked up at him, a hopefulness in her eyes. He leaned down to kiss her, pulling her even closer to him and pushing aside the sheet that covered them.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna and Teddy sat, holding hands, while Maddie serenaded them with all the songs she'd learned in kindergarten. She had announced, at dinner, that she was going to be doing a concert in the den. She had gone to her room and then come back wearing her cowgirl outfit, complete with a white cowgirl hat and her red boots, decorated with white hearts and flowers.

As she listened to her daughter's little girl voice, still childish but surprisingly clear and in tune, she could scarcely breathe. Teddy squeezed her hand and smiled and she smiled back, but as she looked at Maddie, she wondered what the future might hold for her daughter. Until now, she hadn't really thought about the fact that Maddie's legacy was to be an artist. But music was in her blood, as surely as her and Deacon's blood flowed through her.

When Maddie had finished and curtsied, Rayna and Teddy clapped enthusiastically. "You were wonderful, sweet girl!" Rayna cried, pushing back her apprehensions and smiling at her daughter.

Maddie ran over, excitement all over her face. "I wanna be just like you, Mama, when I grow up," she announced. "I want to sing on stage and I want Deacon to play guitar for me."

Rayna could feel Teddy tense up. She swallowed hard and put a smile on her face. "Well, sweetie, you have a long way to go before you'd be ready for that. You still have school and then college and then we'll see." She wasn't sure she wanted either of her daughters to deal with the business side of performing. Things had changed a lot since she'd gotten started in the business and she wanted to protect them as long as she could. She certainly had no intentions of exposing them to that before they finished college.

Maddie frowned and stomped her foot. "But I don't wanna wait," she whined. She looked at Teddy. "Tell her, Daddy. Tell her to let me sing!"

Rayna looked at Teddy. He looked a little annoyed, but he smiled at Maddie. "Honey, your mama's right. You need to be all grown up before you decide what you want to do with your life." Maddie opened her mouth and he went on. "If you still want to sing when you're all grown up, we can talk about it then."

Maddie seemed to consider that. Her frown melted away. She leaned into Teddy, putting her arms around his neck. "You promise?" she asked, pouting a little.

Teddy laughed, seeming to relax, and he smiled at Rayna. "Yes," he said, looking back at his daughter. "I promise. Now you need to go get into your pajamas and get in bed. We'll be back in a minute."

They watched Maddie run out of the room and then heard her footsteps as she ran up the stairs. Rayna turned to Teddy. "She's not going to even think about that until after she finishes college. I promise."

Teddy gave her a tight smile. "Oh, I know," he said.

She raised her eyebrows. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked. She didn't like his tone.

"Just that I think minimizing her time out on tour with you is a good thing." His eyes narrowed a bit. "Plus it limits _his_ ability to fill her head with ideas."

She frowned then. "Deacon doesn't fill her head with ideas, Teddy. All he does is play the guitar while she sings."

He shook his head. "I still don't think it's a good idea to have him around her, Rayna. Just remember, he's an alcoholic."

She huffed. "Oh, I do know that, Teddy. And he's sober. He's been sober for almost six years."

He stood up then. "I think you let him get too close to her, Rayna," he said. "And my advice is to rethink that." Then he turned and walked out of the room.

She sat back against the couch, her arms crossed, fuming. Then, in an instant, the anger turned to sadness, as she felt the tears in her eyes. She didn't like fighting about Deacon. She wanted Teddy to get over his jealousy or irritation or whatever it was, when it came to Deacon. She wished it was easier to co-exist with Deacon, that all the history between them didn't complicate things so much. She wished she didn't have to work so damn hard to put all that history and all those feelings into a little box so that she could survive every day.

She missed him.

 _ **~nashville~**_

They were sitting at the bar in Liberal, Kansas, just across the border from the Oklahoma panhandle. This had become their routine, on nights when they weren't riding the bus overnight to the next gig. They both had club sodas and shared a plate of nachos. Actually, he ate most of the nachos and she nibbled, still too wired with post-show adrenaline to eat much. They were halfway through the six week tour he'd agreed to do and Steve had asked him to stay on a couple weeks past that. He had agreed, realizing he wasn't quite ready to give up the low key vibe or the woman sitting next to him. It had brought back mostly good memories of the years when he and Rayna did the same thing, traveling from small town to small town, occasionally hitting the smaller cities or the outskirts of major city, playing in bars and listening rooms and other small venues. In many ways, playing at the Bluebird reminded him of this, being close to the people and doing it really just for the love of the music.

"Penny for your thoughts," Annabelle said.

He realized he'd been lost in thought. He shook his head and smiled ruefully. "Sorry. I was thinking about when I first got started. Played a lot of places like this."

"You and Rayna."

"Yeah," he said. "But before that too. I started by playing in Memphis." He grinned. "I was too scared at first to try Nashville."

"Really. That surprises me." She took a sip of her club soda. "So tell me what it was like."

He looked around the bar where they'd played that night. "A lot like this. A lot of places where people were more interested in playing pool or getting drunk than listening to someone up on stage."

"When did you go to Nashville?"

"I was seventeen. I started out singing with my sister, but she decided to stay back in Natchez, where I'm from, with her boyfriend. So I finally decided to try Nashville on my own."

"And did you meet Rayna right away?"

He shook his head. "Nah. It was a couple years before I met her." He turned on his stool so he was facing toward the bar, hoping to head off this conversation. He could see himself in the mirror behind the bartender, as well as Annabelle. He thought about why he was with her. She was young, younger even than Taylor, the same age he was when he went to rehab the first time. The same age as Rayna when she got her first platinum record. Annabelle was fun, though. She made him forget all the things he'd left behind in Nashville. She helped him clear his mind.

"Tell me about her."

He looked at her and shook his head. "No."

She sighed. "Not about that. About her career. How'd she get started?"

Reluctantly at first, he told her about how Rayna had started out, doing open mics. How the two of them had been paired up by Watty White and started writing songs together. He shared how hard it was for Rayna to get someone to listen to her demos, until she met Dan Eagle, who was starting Edgehill Records. He talked about life on the road and working hard to finally make it, hoping to encourage Annabelle not to give up on her dreams, the way Rayna hadn't given up on hers.

When he stopped talking, she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks. That makes me feel like maybe it's not hopeless for me."

He turned to look at her. "It ain't never hopeless," he said. "But sometimes all the hard work in the world won't get it. You gotta be prepared to fail. But there's value in the trying. Just remember, if you really love the music, that's what matters." He got up from the stool then and held his hand out to her. She took it and together they walked out of the bar.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna walked up to her music room. She hadn't been here in a while. With touring and then taking some time off, she hadn't needed it. When she and Teddy had built this grand house, it was the only thing that was on her must have list. They had a magnificent kitchen, because Teddy thought she would want one, but she felt a little like a fish out of water in a kitchen so the magnificence was a little lost on her. The master bedroom was a dream suite, the bedroom itself oversized to accommodate a sitting area, along with a spa-like master bath and a closet fit for the Queen of Country Music. There was a pool and a pool house, which was basically a guest house, complete with a kitchen and small bedroom. But the music room was for her.

She pushed open the frosted glass French doors and just stood there, taking it in. It had leather couches and deep, comfortable club chairs, along with a long, low coffee table that had reminded her of the one she and Deacon had in the East Nashville bungalow, all ideal for both songwriting and listening to demos and record tracks. Her album covers were framed and hung on the walls, along with her gold records and her magazine covers. Her Grammys and CMA's and ACM's were all displayed.

There were two vintage guitars on stands, one a Martin, the other a Gibson, that were more for show than for playing. An autoharp sat on its stand. She had an old record player as well as CD players along one wall. And there were plenty of notepads and pencils all around the room.

She walked over to the couch and sat down. At first she just perched on the edge, but then she reached for a notepad and a pencil and she moved to the corner of the couch, leaning back against the cushion, her knees bent. She drew stars and flowers and circles on the page. Her mind was a blank. She groaned in frustration. Songwriting was hard. It was tough to sit down and say _I want to write a song_ and then have one flow through her hand to the page. Her best songwriting had been with Deacon. He inspired her. She loved the give and take, the ebb and flow, the way the words started with him and finished with her, or vice versa. All alone, it took more effort.

The song that had come the easiest to her, when she had written by herself, was 'The Best Songs Come From Broken Hearts'. That had come from the pain of breaking up with Deacon that last time and she had written it in less than an hour, all in a rush. When she and Deacon had tried writing again, it had come so easily, as though they'd never stopped. Her eyes lit on the CMA award for 'The Rivers Between Us'. It had skirted the edges of what was personal for them and that was what scared her about writing with him. Songwriting had been all mixed up with love and sex for them and it would have been too easy to get caught up in that again.

She put down the notepad and walked over to the windows that overlooked the pool. It was winter, so they didn't go out there now, but she thought about how Teddy would spend time with Maddie out there in the summer. He'd stand in the pool and let her jump into his arms, squealing and laughing. He'd taught her to swim, hovering close by as Maddie dogpaddled in the shallow end. Teddy had taught her to ride a bike and listened intently as Maddie debated Barbie versus Midge and their clothing choices.

She breathed in deeply. She had sort of loved Teddy when she married him, told herself – and him – that she did. Certainly she had liked him, enjoyed his company, appreciated what he brought to the table that set him apart from the frantic, tumultuous, exhausting relationship she'd had with Deacon. She loved that he wanted to protect her and her baby, that he'd made such a sacrifice when he'd asked her to marry him back then. His love for Daphne was undeniable and expected, the kind of love a parent would have for their own child. It was his love for Maddie, the child who wasn't his by blood, that endeared him to her. It was that love, for _her_ child, that made her bury all those complicated, confusing emotions deep down inside when it came to Deacon. It was that love that made her resolve to love her husband better.

She turned and practically ran back to the couch, picking up the notepad and scribbling furiously. She smiled to herself as she wrote, as the words seemed to just land on the page of their own accord. This was what she'd learned all those years, writing with Deacon, that when you stopped and let your mind rest, the words would come. She'd told Teddy once that songs came from many places and sometimes were your own story and sometimes were someone else's, although they always came from your own experiences. This would be her own story, a song, finally, for Teddy.

 _Seems I was walking in the wrong direction / I barely recognize my own reflection / Oh, scared of love but scared of life alone_

 _Seems I've been playing on the safe side, baby / Building walls around my heart to save me / Oh, but it's time for me to let it go_

 _Yeah I'm ready to feel now / No longer am I afraid of the fall down / It must be time to move on now / Without the fear of how it might end / I guess I'm ready to love again…._

 _ **~nashville~**_

The bus rolled over something and Deacon was jostled awake. He'd been in a deep sleep and his heart was racing as he blinked rapidly, disoriented for a moment. They were on their way from Oklahoma City to Albuquerque. He shook his head over the sling shot kind of travel routes they were taking. Too many overnights on the bus for him, reminiscent of the early days when he and Rayna did the same thing. It made him grateful for how carefully Bucky and Rayna's tour manager planned her tours.

As he lay there in the dark and his breathing normalized, his thoughts went to Annabelle, back in the back of the bus. He wouldn't sleep back there, not that much sleeping would probably go on if he did. He smiled to himself. She loved to please him, something he couldn't deny made her even more attractive. Sharing a motel room was one thing, but he wouldn't stay the night in her quarters on the bus. Mainly, it was because he didn't want, or need, additional ribbing from the rest of the guys in the band. But also because it reminded him too much of Rayna.

This tour was supposed to help him see a different path, a way to create appropriate separation between him and Rayna. It had, and being with Annabelle helped, but he was trying not to repeat memories.

 _They had both been a little in shock, that day they stood in the parking lot at Sound Check and looked at the big touring bus with Rayna's name emblazoned on the side. As he had with the travel trailer they'd used when it was just the two of them, Watty had fronted the money for this bus. It was not new – refurbished – but it meant the band could travel with them._

" _Wow, babe," Rayna said. "I can't believe it. Our own bus."_

 _He smiled down at her. "Your bus, baby. The rest of us, we're just along for the ride."_

 _She made a face and bumped her hip against his. "That's not true." Then she let go of his arm and ran for the bus steps. "Come on, babe, let's check it out!"_

 _She scampered up the steps and he hurried over and followed her in. He stood at the front of the bus as she ran down the aisle. It was pretty standard – a small kitchenette, bathrooms, a couple tables with bench seats in the front, three levels of bunks down the middle. Rayna was already in the back, opening up the door that led to the artist's suite. One day he knew she hoped to have her own bus with a more glamorous sleeping suite, but for now, this would do._

 _She turned to him with a smile. "Oh, Deacon, this is amazing! Come look!" she called out and he hustled down the aisle as she disappeared into the suite._

 _She was lying on the bed, which pretty much filled up the whole space, when he walked in and he grinned, watching her with her eyes closed, a look of sheer joy on her face. He flopped down next to her and she opened her eyes and laughed. "Your own suite, baby," he said. "You'll be the queen bee."_

 _She screwed up her face. "You're gonna be in here too," she said._

 _He breathed in, then shook his head. "I don't know about that," he said. "The whole band's gonna be right outside."_

 _She grinned. "Oh, don't be silly, Deacon. It's not like they don't know we're together. And I trust them."_

 _He smiled back at her. "It ain't about trust, baby." She looked puzzled. "It's just that you, well, you know. You're kinda, um, boisterous."_

 _She gasped and swatted his arm, sitting up. "I am not!" she cried, looking down at him, her eyes flashing._

 _He looked up at her and raised his eyebrows, a smile playing around his mouth. "Oh, yeah, baby. You most definitely are."_

 _She opened her mouth and then closed it, blushing a little. "Well," she said, and then she breathed out in a whoosh. She looked down at him again and winked. "Well, I guess you'll just have to make sure to cover my mouth then, won't you?"_

 _He laughed out loud and reached for her, pulling her down into his arms. She laughed with him until his lips found hers and then she let herself relax against him and he rolled her onto her back and then they broke in the new artist's suite._

He breathed in deeply. His phone buzzed. _You awake?_ He looked at the message and decided not to answer. He found texting hard anyway and mostly avoided it. And he didn't really want the distraction, not tonight. He went to his contacts and scrolled down to Rayna's name. He wondered what she was doing. Sleeping, at that very moment, he was sure, but what had this break meant for _her_? Had it given her what she needed? What would things be like when he got back to Nashville?

He closed his eyes, trying not to think about those things, about her. The bus had settled back into a steady rhythm and before long he'd fallen back asleep.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna sat at the park on an unusually warm day in mid-February. Maddie and Daphne were in the sandbox, playing together companionably for once. As much as Maddie loved "my baby", she also often felt disinclined to play with "a baby". And Daphne, being the little sister who idolized her big sister, would howl with displeasure when Maddie left her behind.

But they were playing well together at the moment, Maddie helping Daphne pack sand in her bucket and then turn it over. She even laughed when Daphne batted the sand around with her hands.

Rayna smiled, closing her eyes behind her sunglasses. This time off had been nice. In ten days they'd be back in rehearsal, then hitting the road in late March. Without a new album to support, there weren't many new songs for the band to learn, mostly just getting back into sync with each other.

She thought about Deacon then. She hadn't talked to him, or seen him, in close to four months. She'd stopped by the Bluebird one Thursday night, against her better judgment, only to find out he was on hiatus. _Touring with some friends._ It seemed like he was taking the break to heart and it was surprisingly unsettling. She wondered if he was back in town yet.

She pulled out her phone and tapped it for a moment. True, she had stayed busy and spent time with her girls, as well as spending quality time with Teddy, throwing herself into that relationship. She and Teddy had grown closer and she felt they were working together well. She appreciated his strength and the fact that he was so steady, and she felt as though she had fed off that. She felt stronger too, more in control of her heart and her mind and her emotions. Teddy was a good man, with a good heart, and he'd proved that to her over and over again….

But she still missed Deacon, she had to admit to herself. More than she should. She opened her phone and scrolled down to his name. She wavered, hesitated. Then Daphne's cry of displeasure broke the mood and she closed her phone, throwing it back into her purse and getting up to check on her daughters.

"Aw, Daphne, sweet girl, what's wrong?"

 _ **~nashville~**_

They were headed back to Houston after the show. That was where Deacon would wrap up and fly back to Nashville. Annabelle had been quieter the last few days, giving a hundred percent on stage, but pensive and introspective off. He understood. They hadn't really talked about what happened after this was over. Hadn't talked about whether _anything_ would happen after this was over.

He'd felt a lot of things while he'd been with Annabelle. The sex had been amazing, more, really, than he could have asked for. Annabelle was a playful, almost insatiable lover, but she was generous and loving in return. She'd made him forget the pain of wanting Rayna, at least for a while. They had said in the beginning that it would be casual, or at least he had said so. But over the last few days he'd found her to be a touch more needy, a little more questioning of what was next. And he'd had no answers, or none he'd wanted to give, but he knew he had to be honest with her.

As always, he came back into the bar after they'd loaded the bus. Instead of staying the night, they were headed back and would arrive in Houston early morning. As always, she was sitting at the bar, two club sodas in front of her. He smiled to himself, thinking about how she was thoughtful in that way. He swung up onto the stool and smiled at her. "Last night," he said, picking up his glass and holding it out, as though to toast.

She looked back at him, her eyes moist and sad. She sighed. "I guess you're happy to be getting back to Nashville," she said quietly.

He felt a little ache in his heart at her sadness. "Not for the reason you're thinking," he said. He took a deep breath. "But, you know…."

She put two fingers on his lips to silence him. "Don't. Not yet," she said. "Please."

* * *

He hardly slept that night. He let her lead him to the back of the bus, since it was the last night and the last time. He let her set the tone and he willingly followed. He made love to her with an intensity that surprised him. And now he lay sleepless, his mind racing, as he held her against him and she slept.

At some point he'd drifted off, because she woke him when they were about an hour outside Houston. The feathery touch of her fingers slowly brought him back to consciousness. He looked into her eyes, dark in the dusky morning light that peeked through the blinds on the back windows. "Was it real?" she whispered.

He knew what she meant. He reached up and wove his fingers into her hair and then pulled her in as he brushed her lips with his. "Yeah," he said, truthfully. "It was real."

She sighed. Her eyelids lowered as she leaned back in to kiss him again, her fingers trailing down his chest and abdomen. He caught his breath as she closed her hand over him. Her lips moved to his chest and he moaned softly as he let her stroke him, touch him. When he could stand it no longer, he rolled her over and made love to her, with an urgency and a roughness that acknowledged they'd come full circle. He forgot about the other people on the bus, and he was pretty sure she did too, as they satisfied their need.

* * *

He was sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, when the bus pulled into the lot. Annabelle sat up, pulling the sheet around her. He could hear her breathing and he knew he needed to say something, but he couldn't think of just what.

"I'm really gonna miss you, Deacon Claybourne," she said.

He turned to look at her. Her arms were wrapped around her waist, holding the sheet against her. Her hair was a mess. Her eyes were red and damp. "I'm gonna miss you too," he said.

She ran her tongue over her bottom lip. "So, what's next?" she asked.

He sighed. "Going back to Nashville. Getting back to work. Getting back to life," he said. He knew that wasn't really what she was asking or what she was hoping to hear. He took a deep breath. "You helped me in a lotta ways, Annabelle. All this kinda helped me get back to normal. Figure out what's important. Get back to the music. I'm grateful…to you."

She smiled sadly. "It's like they say, I guess. The road's not real life or real love. But it was a really good ride."

He stood up and faced her. "Yeah, it was."

He could see tears in her eyes and one rolled down her cheek. She swiped at it, almost angrily. "Hey, travel home safe," she said. "Maybe I'll see you around some time."

He gave her a quick nod. "Maybe you will." Then he let himself out of the room and walked down the aisle, out of the bus. It was time to get back to real life.

 _ **The song Rayna writes is Ready to Love Again by Lady Antebellum.**_

 _ **Thanks to all of you who are reading. Special thanks to those reviewing. I love hearing what you think!**_


	14. What We Ain't Got

He was awake as soon as the sun started shining through the blinds on his window. It was the first day of rehearsal for Rayna's _Outlaws and Angels_ tour. Bucky had messengered over three new songs, one of which was a song Rayna had written and two others she'd obtained from other songwriters. He assumed these were all songs she would be considering for her next album. It would be good to try them out and see what the audience reaction was.

He'd spent the few days he'd had back in Nashville working on the arrangements. He'd struggled some with the song she'd written. He wondered if it had something to do with him or if it was just a song. He remembered back when they first started writing together. Watty had told him her lyrics were immature and lacked substance. He wasn't sure, once he'd seen what she'd written, if he completely agreed, but he could see Rayna had very little real life experience.

" _So, you been in love before?" he asked her, holding one of the pages with her lyrics._

 _Her eyes flitted away and she blushed just a little. "I've had a crush."_

" _Well, but that ain't what you wrote about. You wrote about some great love story. You ever really been in love?"_

 _She had fumed. "Who says I can't write about love, just because I haven't been in love?" she demanded._

 _She was fiery and spunky for a sixteen year old. He liked that she didn't put on airs, considering she'd grown up in Belle Meade and went to a private school and had Sunday lunch at the country club after church every week. In fact, he'd fallen in love with her the minute he'd laid eyes on her, but he hadn't told her that. He knew he wasn't good enough for someone as perfect as Rayna Wyatt._ _He_ _could write a love song. In fact, he'd written three just since he'd met her. About her. But whether she'd ever been in love or not, her words didn't quite ring true. "You should write about what you know," he said. "The best songs are about the stuff you know."_

 _She frowned at him. "Says you? The master songwriter? At nineteen? I bet you've never been in love either, have you?" She stood in front of him with her hands on her hips and her eyebrows raised in a challenge._

 _He grinned. "Oh, I been in love," he said. "But we ain't talking about me. You could always write about being homecoming queen or something."_

 _She looked a little shocked at what he'd said. Then she breathed out, looking a little deflated. "Nobody would ever vote for me for homecoming queen," she said softly. "All they do is make fun of me for loving country music."_

 _That surprised him. She was a pretty girl, with both sass and sweetness about her. She loved to laugh and she had the prettiest smile he'd ever seen. He hated to see the sadness that crossed her face. "Well, I ain't sure I believe all that, but if that's true, write about that. Write about not being the one picked."_

The song he'd helped her with that day had turned into 'Cumberland Girl'. It had always been one of her favorites. She'd put it on her first album and it was the B side to her first hit. They still performed it, a sweet ballad about the girls who weren't picked and watched from the sidelines. Of course, as he got to know her, he learned that what she'd said was true, but it was also true that it hadn't affected her sweet, kind soul. It was one of the many reasons he loved her.

Her songwriting had improved immensely over the years. He thought she didn't give herself enough credit for how good she had become. This song, the new one, showed how far she'd come. It was nuanced and real, telling a great story. And whether it was her story or just a story that came from her experience, she'd nailed it.

He sat up on the side of the bed and rubbed his face, breathing in deeply. This would be the first time he'd seen Rayna since the day she'd come by after the CMA's. The day she'd told him they needed to figure out how to be friends and stay on their own side of the boundaries. He'd thought about her often, during that time, too often. Even Annabelle hadn't been able to keep those old ghosts away completely.

So now it was time to face them again.

 _ **~nashville~**_

 _She was lying in bed with her eyes closed. She concentrated on the feel of the sheets, soft as angel's breath. They smelled like they'd been hung out to dry in the warm sun. The bed itself was like a dream, comfortable and lush. The pillows were down filled and the pillowcases were cool against her skin. She felt the bed sag as he got in it. She smiled to herself as she felt his hand brush hers and then move to her waist. She could feel his warm body press against hers._

 _She opened her eyes. It was dark, with just the moonlight forming a halo around him. She could see his smile, though, and the laughter in his eyes. His hand moved up to her cheek and she could feel his breath against her face as he leaned down closer. "How long's it been?" he whispered._

 _She moved her leg along his calf and slid her hand up his side, hooking it over the back of his arm and she shivered with anticipation as she felt his skin against hers. He was hard against her thigh and she moaned deep in her throat. "Too long," she whispered back as his lips captured hers. Her heart started beating faster as he moved over her, preparing to make love to her._

 _She frowned, then, as she heard her name coming from behind him. He stopped what he was doing as they both shifted their eyes behind him._

"Rayna." She forced her eyes open at the sound and saw Teddy, standing at the end of the bed, holding Daphne in her little pink pajamas with the white kittens on them. She just stared at the two of them, trying to get her bearings. Teddy smiled. "That must have been some dream you were having," he said.

Her breath caught in her throat and she looked away for a second. "What time is it?" she murmured.

"Almost nine. And I need to get to work and get Maddie to school. Mia's running a little late."

She shook her head to get rid of the images in her head, of the dream she'd been having. She pushed herself up against the pillows. "I'm sorry," she said, still having a hard time looking him in the eye. "I don't know why I was so tired."

"Mama!" Daphne cried, her little hands grasping for Rayna.

Rayna smiled at her daughter and reached out for her, pulling her into her lap and kissing the top of her head. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I'll get up."

Teddy smiled, shaking his head. "No problem." He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you tonight."

She looked up at him then and gave him a tiny smile. "Have a good day." He turned to walk out of the room and she called out to him. "Teddy!" He turned. "I've got rehearsal today," she said. "First day back."

There was no expression on his face as he nodded. "Right," he said. "So I'll see you when I see you, I guess."

She shrugged. "I guess." She bit her lip lightly. "I love you."

He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I love you too." Then he turned and walked out.

She sat on the bed for a few minutes, while Daphne sat patting her hands together. Then she looked up at her mother and Rayna looked down at her. She took a deep breath and then put a beaming smile on her face. "We need to get up, baby girl, so mama can get back to work." She pushed back the covers and then swung her legs out of the bed. She got up and headed for the kitchen as Daphne babbled happily in her arms.

She was conscious of the warmth that was still in her core. The tingle that had started with the dream she'd been having about Deacon Claybourne. _What the hell was that about?_

 _ **~nashville~**_

When he got to the rehearsal hall, Rayna wasn't there yet. Bucky was sitting at the table and he looked up when he heard Deacon's footsteps. "Hey, Deacon," he said with a smile.

Deacon walked up to the table and took off his messenger bag, laying it on the table. "Where's Rayna?" he asked as he walked over to set his guitar on the edge of the stage. He came back and took the seat opposite Rayna's manager, opening up his bag and pulling out sheet music.

Bucky shrugged. "Running late," he said. "She called and said she'd overslept and it messed up her schedule. But she's on her way." Deacon nodded but said nothing. "So I heard you went on the road with Sixwire."

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. Steve broke his wrist and they were committed to a southwest tour, so he asked if I'd fill in." He gave Bucky a quick smile. "It felt good to do that kind of tour again."

"I'll bet. Did you get a chance to look over the new music?"

"I did." He slid the papers he had over to Bucky. "Worked up all the arrangements. Are we testing these for the next album?"

Bucky nodded. "Yeah. I think we're pretty set on them, unless we don't get good response from the audiences. But I'm sure, with your arrangements, they'll be top notch."

Just then they heard the sound of footsteps and they both looked towards the door. Rayna hurried in, looking a little distracted. She sat down in the chair next to Bucky. "Hey, y'all. Sorry I'm late." She smiled at both of them, but Deacon thought she was trying to avoid his eyes. He frowned.

Bucky stood up, the music arrangements in his hand. "I'm gonna go make copies for everyone. Be back in a few." Rayna watched him walk off.

"So, how was your break?" he asked. She looked back at him, but he couldn't seem to hold her gaze.

She shrugged. "Good. Productive." She looked at him then. "I wrote a little."

He nodded. "I saw your song." He smiled encouragingly. "I liked it." He knew she lacked confidence in her songwriting, even though he'd told her many times how good she was. She just underestimated herself and her ability to write a good song.

She smiled then. "Thanks." She screwed up her face. "I heard you went out on the road with some friends?" she asked.

"Yeah, Sixwire. Remember them?"

"I do! Wow, that was ages ago, seems like. Back when we were on the state fair and dance hall circuit."

He chuckled. "Well, they're still on that, so it felt like I'd gone back in time." He breathed in. "Felt good though. Kinda getting back to the basics."

"Is Kelsey still with them?"

He shook his head. "She left and they replaced her. Her name's Annabelle." He worked his lip a moment. It felt odd talking to Rayna about Annabelle. "You know, she kinda reminds me of you, back then."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

He nodded. "She's got the same drive you did. She works hard at it. I just don't think she's gotten the same breaks you did."

"Well, you and I both know there's some luck involved too. Being in the right place at the right time." She looked at him intently. "Is she good?"

He sat back and nodded. "Yeah, she is." He noticed an odd expression in her eyes for half a second and then it was gone. He thought to himself that his answer was not just about her on stage talent.

Just then Bucky walked out onto the stage, holding up a stack of paper. "Okay, everybody, I've got the new music," he said.

Rayna stood up quickly, as though she couldn't wait to get away. "I guess we should get started then," she said and hurried off, leaving him to watch her go. He sat up and rubbed his hands on his thighs, then pushed up and headed for the stage steps after her.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Throughout rehearsal she was extra conscious of him behind her, but she was proud of herself for maintaining her cool. She only stumbled over the words a couple times and she could explain that as it being the first rehearsal. But her heart was still racing and she felt like she was on fire and so, on the inside, she was focusing on staying in control.

The dream had messed with her equilibrium. She had certainly dreamt about Deacon since she'd been married to Teddy. She'd dreamt about him a lot, in the days and weeks and months after she found out she was pregnant and after Maddie was born. She'd cried herself to sleep every night for over a year and that often led to some kind of dream. But never a sex dream. Surprisingly, if she were honest.

She had been a virgin, of course, when she met Deacon, and he taught her everything. He'd been patient with her, and loving, although the sex was usually raw and hot and messy.

She'd gotten used to sex with Teddy. It was always slow and sweet, almost reverent, it seemed. She knew Teddy felt like he'd won the lottery with her, although she never really understood that. But, truthfully, she sometimes missed sex that was dirty and made her whimper with her need.

She'd been fidgety after Teddy left that morning and she couldn't focus on anything. And so she'd been late. When she ran into the rehearsal hall the first face she saw was Deacon's and she felt that tingle run down her chest to her core. She'd had a hard time looking at him and was glad to start rehearsal, so she could look out over the stage instead of at him, sitting across from her.

She'd seen something on his face when he'd mentioned the girl singer. Annabelle. _You know, she kinda reminds me of you, back then._ She was positive he'd meant Annabelle reminded him of _everything_ about her. And although she shouldn't have felt disappointed about that, she did.

* * *

"Deacon, can I talk to you for a minute?" she called out as he walked towards the door.

He stopped and turned back to face her. "Of course," he said.

She walked down the steps and over towards him, just standing there for a few minutes, watching everyone else leave. When they were the only two in the room, she turned to look at him. "Can we sit?" she asked, and nodded towards the table.

He nodded and walked over, sitting down. He waited until she'd sat down across from him. "What's up?" he asked.

She made a face, looked away for a second, then back at him. "I think it was good we took some time," she started. She fidgeted with her hands, looking down, then back up. "I feel like I'm in a good place in my life right now. I hope you are too."

He took a deep breath and raised his eyebrows. Then he nodded. "Yeah," he said.

"Can we do this?" she asked. "Because I want to, but I need us both to want that."

He sat up, leaning on the table, his hands clasped in front of him. "Be friends, you mean?" She nodded. "Yeah, we can do that."

She gave him a little smile. "You're still family, Deacon. I still care about you. I still need you. For this." She waved her arm back towards the stage. "You've always been part of that. And I still want you to be."

He nodded. "I know." He sighed. "It's hard sometimes, you know, 'cause there's just a lot of water under that bridge. But, yeah, we can do it."

She smiled again. "Good." She put her hands on the table. "I've gotta get home, to my girls. But I'll see you tomorrow?" He nodded and she stood up. She hesitated and then she said, "Thanks."

He looked up at her. "Yeah," he said.

She took a beat and then she walked towards the door, gathering up her purse as she did, not turning back. She breathed in slowly. _I can do this._ _We_ _can do this._

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon put his gear in the truck for the drive over to Sound Check. They'd had a week off so that Rayna could be home for Maddie's birthday. He had to smile when he thought of Rayna's little girl. He actually kind of missed her being on tour with them, now that she was old enough for school. He'd never spent much time around young kids before, mainly his niece Scarlett now and again. He'd never really thought of himself as a father, either, even back when he and Rayna had been together. They'd talked about it a few times, but his life had been such a mess he didn't think he could do it.

Spending time with Rayna's girls, though, had made him wonder more often what it would be like to have kids of his own. What it might be like to have little ones depending on you. One of the things he really enjoyed about Maddie was her interest in his guitars. She'd been fascinated by them almost as soon as she could sit in his lap. He would hold the guitar in front of her and run his fingers over the strings. Especially when she was cranky, it would calm her down.

She liked to try to imitate him, but his guitars were too big for her and she struggled when she tried, which frustrated her. He smiled to himself as he picked up the little guitar case by the front door, the one that held the small toy guitar he'd bought for Rayna to give her. It looked like it was just her size and it even looked like a real guitar, not one of the plastic ones. He wished he'd be able to see her face when Rayna gave it to her, but he figured he'd see it the next time Rayna brought her out.

 _Rayna had told him Maddie was coming out on the first week of the tour, since it coincided with her school break. He was surprised, though, at how excited Maddie was to see him. When he drove into the parking lot, he could see Rayna standing with Teddy and the girls next to her bus. He got out of his truck and walked over to the band truck to stow his gear. He had glanced in the direction of Rayna's bus and had seen Teddy's brief glare before he turned back to her._

" _Deacon!" He heard Maddie shriek his name and he looked up to see her jerk her hand out of Teddy's and come running for him. He grinned and then squatted down so she could run into his arms. She threw her arms around him and hugged his neck. "I missed you, Deacon!" she squealed._

 _He put his arms around her and hugged her back. He glanced quickly over towards Teddy and could see his jaw clench. "I missed you too, Maddie," he said. She took a step back and smiled happily at him. "What you been doing?"_

 _She tilted her head to one side, as though she were thinking. "School mostly, but playing on the playground and tumbling and singing," she said._

" _Singing? With your mama?" he asked._

 _She shook her head. "By myself!" she shouted. "Oh, and I need you to be my guitar player. I told Mama I wanted you to be my guitar player."_

 _Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Rayna talking sternly to Teddy, then he refocused his attention on Maddie. "Well, it'll be a long time before you need me," he said. "And I might be too old then."_

 _She laughed. "You'll never be too old," she said. She leaned towards him. "Promise you'll wait for me."_

 _He grinned. "Promise."_

" _Maddie!" Teddy called out. "Let's go!"_

 _Maddie turned and looked at Teddy, then looked back at Deacon. "Can I play your guitar tonight?" she whispered. He nodded. She smiled at him, then ran over to her parents._

 _He stood up and walked over to the bus. He sure as hell hoped Teddy wasn't coming along._

He'd had an unexpected moment of clarity that day. He had gotten on the bus and walked to the back, putting his guitar and duffel in his space. He sat on the bed and breathed in, thinking about Teddy's expression and Rayna's reaction. That's when it had hit him, the thing he hadn't been able to see or acknowledge up to that point.

He'd been sober for six years, something he told himself over and over again that he did for her. He'd never even come close to making it this long. He'd never even made it a year before now. He still felt the same pain he'd felt back then, thinking about her disappointment, the sadness on her face and the dejection in her body language, every time he screwed up. He'd tell her he was sorry and she'd smile at him sadly and try to encourage him to do better – and he'd want to – but he couldn't make it work. When he thought about it now, he realized that the disappointment had turned to resignation, then resentment and anger. She'd lost faith in him and she'd lost trust.

He lowered his head. He'd fooled himself into believing she kept him around because she couldn't let him go, that she still harbored feelings for him that she couldn't quite get over. If that really was the case, she would have left Teddy long ago. She would never have had Daphne. She would never stand there with Teddy now and reassure him, talk him down, go home to him at every break, at the end of every tour. He realized, with the clarity of a lightning bolt striking him, that she wasn't waiting for him anymore, that he'd done such damage he'd killed that opportunity. She'd found what she was looking for. She had her family, the one she'd always wanted, and she had him, as her bandleader. And friend.

He breathed out. For all the pain that realization had caused him, it had also given him the strength to put aside the feelings he had for her and focus on what they had now. True, he still loved her – probably always would – but he understood she'd made her line in the sand long ago. _He_ was the one who'd made things complicated and he'd resolved to stop doing that.

He tightened his grip on the little guitar case and then smiled to himself, if a little sadly. Maddie, at least, would be thrilled.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She walked down the hall to Maddie's bedroom. Maddie was at school and Mia had taken Daphne to the park. Maddie was in love with the color pink and her bedroom was a cacophony of shades of the color. It reminded her of her own pink bedroom. She looked around the room, feeling a little disoriented. She caught her breath, feeling a squeeze in her heart. Can I really do this? Can I really consider turning her world upside down? All our worlds, actually?

Her eyes fell on the little guitar, lying on Maddie's bed. The little guitar that had started all this. Maddie had squealed with excitement when Rayna had given it to her, Teddy looking on disapprovingly. She could feel her heart thudding as she walked over and brushed her fingers over the strings and listened to the sound. Definitely not the rich sound of one of Deacon's guitars, but Maddie didn't care. It had been an innocent gift, a gift of love from Deacon to her daughter, but Teddy had been furious.

" _What is that?" Teddy asked, when she walked in the door, carrying the little guitar case. They had a ten day break before heading back out on the road._

 _She smiled. "It's for Maddie," she said. "A belated birthday gift. Where is she?"_

" _Mia's giving the girls their baths." He looked confused. "Did you get that and forget to give it to her?" maddie's sixth birthday had been over a two months ago._

 _She shook her head. "It's from Deacon," she said, waiting to see how he reacted._

 _He looked incredulous. "What? Are you serious?" He shook his head. "You're not going to give it to her."_

 _She closed her eyes for a second. Then she looked back at him angrily. "Don't be absurd, Teddy. It's a birthday present. He knows how much she loves music and she loves trying to play his guitars. It's an innocent gift from her Uncle Deacon, who she adores."_

 _Teddy put one hand on his hip, the other slashing the air in front of her. "He is not her uncle, Rayna. He's nothing to her. You really need to stop encouraging this…this…whatever it is. It's not healthy and I won't stand for it."_

 _Rayna raised her eyebrows. "You won't stand for it? Are you kidding me? You're just being ridiculous, Teddy. You're making more of it than there needs to be."_

 _He glared at her. "I forbid you to give that to her," he said._

" _I don't care!" she shouted. "It's her present and I'm giving it to her."_

" _A present for me?" came Maddie's voice from the door. Teddy and Rayna turned to look at her. She seemed a little concerned, her face knotted up in a frown._

 _Rayna looked at Teddy, her eyebrows raised, daring him to say another word. She turned back to her daughter and smiled. "Yes, a present for you," she said, holding up the little guitar case. "It's a late birthday present from your Uncle Deacon, because he wasn't at your party."_

Maddie had squealed with excitement. Rayna had had to help her open the little case and then she'd danced around the room, running her little fingers across the strings and singing loudly. Looking at it now, it was Maddie's prize possession. She had stomped her feet and pouted when she was told she couldn't take it to school and so it was always the first thing she ran to when she got home.

It had made her wonder, though, about the wisdom of keeping the secret of Maddie's parentage. Deacon had been sober for over six years. He was stable. She knew Teddy would be opposed and he would bring up the promise she'd made to keep that secret. But whenever she saw Maddie and Deacon together, it seemed wrong to keep them from knowing the truth. It seemed wrong to keep lying to Deacon. He was so good with her and Rayna was sure he'd be a good father, if he knew.

She had called someone she knew at Vanderbilt and asked for the name of a child psychologist, someone who could help her understand what affect it might have on Maddie to find out Teddy wasn't her biological father. When she got the name, she'd still hesitated. She still wasn't sure about upending her child's life. And even though Deacon had been sober all these years, it was still a scary proposition.

" _Hey. I was hoping to be able to make an appointment with Dr. Samuels," she'd said when she called._

" _Is it for your child?" the woman on the other end of the phone asked._

" _Kind of. I, uh, my daughter wasn't raised with her natural father, doesn't know him as her father, and I'd like to talk to Dr. Samuels about what it might mean for her if we tell her now."_

" _How old is she?"_

" _Six. She's been raised by a very loving father, but it just seems like, I don't know, she should know." Rayna wasn't sure why she was babbling like this._

" _I understand. So, Dr. Samuels has an appointment open on June fourth. Would that work?"_

 _Rayna looked at her schedule. She'd have to hire a private jet to get her back to Nashville, but it could be done. "Yes, I can do that."_

" _What's your name?"_

" _Ray…Rachel Conrad."_

" _Will anyone be coming with you to the appointment?"_

 _She shook her head. "No. Just me." She just wanted to know, first. If this would harm Maddie, she wouldn't do it, but she wanted to know. "And…all this is confidential, right?"_

" _Oh, of course."_

She was nervous about the appointment, but it had felt a little bit like a load had been lifted from her shoulders. If the doctor told her Maddie could handle it with no ill effects, then she could broach the idea with Teddy. She was tired of the secrets and she hated lying to Deacon. But she also had to consider his history, so this was just a first step. And maybe she would do nothing at all.

* * *

Tandy brought Rayna a glass of wine and then sat on the couch next to her. She took a sip of her own and then smiled. "I'm so glad to see you," she said. "It's been a while."

Rayna looked at her strangely. "I've been on tour, Tandy."

Tandy rolled her eyes. "You're always on tour."

Rayna smiled. "Well, that's not really true."

"When do you go back out?"

"Day after tomorrow." She looked down at her lap and picked at the hem of her blouse.

"What's going on, babe?" Rayna looked up at her sister, who had a concerned look on her face.

"Nothing." She shrugged.

Tandy narrowed her eyes. "Are you sure? Because you've seemed skittish ever since you walked in here."

"That's ridiculous. I'm fine." Tandy just sat and looked at her. Rayna rolled her eyes and then looked away. She sighed. "I've been wondering, I guess, about whether Deacon should know about Maddie."

Tandy looked horrified. "What? Have you lost your mind?"

Rayna frowned. "No, of course not. I've just been thinking, is all. I mean, he's been sober for about six and a half years now. The whole thing we were worried about, back when I found out I was pregnant, is not an issue now."

Tandy shook her head. "I don't think that's how addiction works, babe." She reached out for Rayna's hand. "He'll always be an alcoholic. You don't know when something might happen and he falls off the wagon. Do you want that to be around Maddie?" Rayna bit her lip and looked away. "Sweetheart, you made a decision back then for a reason. A very good reason. To protect your daughter. Teddy has been a wonderful father and he loves her like she was his own. Why would you even want to consider blowing that up?"

Rayna felt tears well up in her eyes. "It just, I don't know, it just seems like it's not fair to Deacon."

"Sweetie, what's not fair is that you were put in this situation to start with. Because you couldn't trust him. Because he wasn't dependable. Because he could have been a danger to his own child. You gave Maddie a great life. She _still_ has a great life. Don't do this." She frowned. "You haven't…done anything with Deacon, have you?"

Rayna rolled her eyes. "Of course not. We're just…friends. I care about him. I know I did the right thing for Maddie back then, but I just wonder if I'm doing the right thing now. Should I tell him about her? Can we really keep this secret forever?"

Tandy took a deep breath. "I don't know the answer to that. But I think we need to for as long as we can. For Maddie's sake."

Rayna propped her elbow on the back of the couch and bit down on a nail while she thought about what Tandy had said. Then she looked back at her sister. "I don't want her to be hurt. But I'm afraid if she finds out someday, she'll be furious. She'll never forgive us for what we've done."

"Then just do what you've always done. Don't say a word."

Rayna looked at her sister and considered what she'd said. Protecting Maddie was always the most important thing. She'd done all of this, was still doing all of this, for Maddie. And as she herself was moving on from all those complicated feelings for Deacon, maybe it was less important to change anything.

* * *

When she got home, she called and cancelled the appointment with the child psychologist. It was the closest she ever came to telling the truth, until Maddie discovered the truth herself.


	15. Breathe In

Rayna caught up to Deacon as they walked through the Sound Check parking lot from the tour buses. It was late and she was ready to get home. She wanted to kiss her girls and then curl up in bed with her husband. They would have a little bit of a break, then would get into the studio to start work on the next album. But there was some work to be done on the track list first. "Hey," she said, with a smile, putting her hand on top of her fedora as she looked up at him. "Good tour."

He slowed down a bit and smiled back at her. "Yeah, it was. I bet you're ready to see your girls, though."

She chuckled. "I am. I always miss them so much. So listen, I don't want to cut our break too short, but I'd really like to get your input on the track list before we start in the studio."

"Anything you need, Ray. You know that. You want me to take something home and listen to it?"

She wrinkled her nose. "Would you mind?" He shook his head. "I really do appreciate it. I've got all the demos and my notes in my case. Can you come by the car?"

He nodded. "Sure." He followed her over to her SUV and she pulled at one of the cases the road assistants had put in the back. She opened it and pulled out a tote bag filled with demos. She reached in and lifted a sheet of paper part way. "Here's everything, including my notes."

"When do you need it?"

She shrugged. "By next week? Will that work for you?"

He smiled. "Yeah. Not like I got that much going on. I can do it." He reached for the tote and she closed the back of the SUV.

"So, are you still playing at the Bluebird?" she asked.

"Yeah, when I'm in town. Still doing every third Thursday." He looked at her carefully. "You should come sometime."

She looked back at him and gave him a tiny smile. "Yeah, maybe I will."

They just stood there for a minute, looking at each other. Finally Deacon broke the gaze. "Well, I should let you get home." He lifted the tote. "I'll let you know after I've listened to these."

She nodded. "Great. Thanks, Deacon." She watched him as he turned and headed for his truck. After a moment, she turned away and walked to the driver's side of her car and got in.

* * *

She wasn't sure it was a great idea to go to the Bluebird, but she wanted to show her support for Deacon. She told Teddy she was going to go listen to some songwriters, which wasn't completely untrue. He would occasionally go with her to a listening room, but music really wasn't his thing and he was happy to let her go on her own. She helped him bathe the girls and get them ready for bed. She loved their just-washed smell and cuddling with them in their pajamas.

She had dressed simply, just jeans and a flannel shirt. As she drove the short distance from home to the Bluebird, she felt a little mix of anxiety and excitement. It had been a long time since she'd heard Deacon play in front of a crowd, on his own. She wanted to prove to him, and to herself, that they could be friends, that they could still support each other. She was late getting there, because of the extra time she'd spent with the girls, and so she parked around back, coming in through the back entrance where the performers typically did.

"Hey, Rayna." She turned when she heard her name and saw Erika come out of her office.

She reached in for a hug. "Hey. Good to see you."

"Long time, no see. You hear to listen to Deacon?"

She nodded. "Yeah, for a little bit. I haven't heard him play here in a while."

"Well, we're so glad to have him. He brings in the crowds, that's for sure." Erika rubbed her arm. "I've got to get out there. Enjoy the show."

Rayna smiled. "Thanks." She intended just to stand at the bar, but she was going to wait until the current song was done. She put her hands in her back pockets and listened as Deacon finished up.

 _I'll keep coming back / Oh it's true / I keep coming back / That's what I do / I retrace my tracks, to you_

 _And the place where I land / Is the palm of your hand / Just pull, tug, tease_

 _I'll keep coming back / Oh it's true / I keep coming back / That's what I do / I retrace my tracks, to you_

As she listened, she felt an ache in her heart. She was sure the song was about her and it made her wonder if he was still writing songs about her, about them. She thought maybe it wasn't a good idea for her to be there after all and she turned and walked back out.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon was packing up after the show. He'd stayed around to talk to everyone who wanted to talk to him afterwards. It reminded him of how much he enjoyed the small, intimate spaces. The Bluebird was different from other venues, though, since it catered to songwriters. The pressure wasn't on like it would be for a headliner, to deliver a high octane performance to a packed house. It was a place for newcomers and up-and-comers and career songwriters. The audience was filled with people who just enjoyed good music and who hoped, once in a while, to be there when someone got his or her golden opportunity.

The Bluebird had been a special place for him and Rayna. They had met there, of course, but they'd both won coveted open mic spots on numerous occasions before they'd started going out on the road together. It had been a welcoming place to come 'home' to after a tour. It had been a long time since he and Rayna had been at the Bluebird together and he himself had stayed away for a long time after that.

Every time he played, he searched the audience for her, but she never came. Not that he actually expected her to. She had a family to go home to and he was sure Teddy would never be okay with her coming here to see him play, even if it was nothing more than that. So he felt safe here, playing the songs he wrote about her.

Erika walked out from the back and handed him an envelope with his take from the evening. "I guess Rayna didn't stay after all," she said.

He was putting the envelope in his messenger bag and then he looked up sharply. "What? Rayna was here?"

Erika nodded. "Yeah. She came in through the back during your set, but then I never did see her come in and sit down." She shrugged. "I guess she thought she would be too much of a distraction. I'm sure she would have caused a stir."

He nodded, still surprised she'd shown up. _I wonder why she left?_ "Yeah, I guess," he said.

She smiled. "Well, thanks again, as always. We'll see you next time."

He smiled back. "Yeah, thanks." He slung his messenger back over his shoulder and picked up his guitar case. As he walked out the door, he was still thinking about the fact that Rayna had showed up.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna and Tandy took the girls upstairs and laid them both down on Rayna's bed in her old bedroom. Tandy found a blanket in the closet and brought it over to lay on top of the sleeping girls. She smiled at her sister. "I think they had a great Christmas," she whispered.

Rayna was sitting on the bed, pulling the blanket over Daphne's back. She looked at Tandy and smiled. "Yeah, they did," she whispered back. "Not to mention they've been up since five this morning."

"I think we did that when we were the same age."

Rayna ran her hand lightly over Daphne's head, then got up. She walked around to the other side of the bed and did the same with Maddie. Then she and Tandy walked out. She pulled the door closed after taking one last look at her girls, smiling as she watched them sleep. She turned to Tandy. "I had forgotten how much I loved Christmas until I had my girls," she said.

Tandy linked her arm through Rayna's as they walked slowly back down the hall. "Even at Daddy's house?" she said, with a sly grin.

Rayna smiled back. "Even at Daddy's house," she said.

They walked down the stairs and into the study, where Lamar and Teddy were sharing a drink. Lamar looked up. "Would you two girls like a drink?" he asked.

"I would," Tandy said. Lamar got up and walked over to the bar. He looked questioningly at Rayna as he poured bourbon into a glass for Tandy.

Rayna sat on the arm of the chair Teddy was sitting in, putting her hand on his shoulder. She shook her head. "No thanks, Daddy," she said.

He handed Tandy her drink and sat back in his chair. "Still not a hard liquor girl, are you?" he asked, a sly look on his face.

Rayna frowned. She really didn't understand why he'd never been supportive of her. She knew he hadn't approved of Deacon and had been glad when she'd broken up with him for good. He'd blamed Deacon for leading her into the music business, even though that wasn't true. She hated how he always seemed to continue to punish her for that, making little innuendos. "It's never been my drink of choice, Daddy, you know that," she said. "I prefer wine, which you never have in the house."

Lamar chuckled. "Wine is for lightweights, Rayna." His tone was pleasant, but she knew it wasn't meant that way. Then he picked up a picture that was on the table next to him. It was the girls' gift to him, the family Christmas picture. "What a lovely little family," he said. He looked over at Teddy and then let his eyes slide up to Rayna. "I just don't know how you can stand to leave these precious girls at home for weeks at a time, Rayna."

Teddy told her later he was surprised she hadn't left a bruise where she'd gripped his shoulder to keep from getting into a fight with her father.

* * *

Rayna was still fuming when she and Teddy went to bed that night. She sat cross legged on the bed, rubbing lotion over her arms and legs. "I just wish we didn't have to make a command performance at Daddy's house every single holiday," she complained.

Teddy smiled at her. "It's not every holiday, sweetheart. Just Thanksgiving and Christmas."

She glared at him. "That's two holidays too many, if you want to know the truth." She put down the lotion and then slid her legs under the covers. "He just tries his best to pick a fight with me."

He got into bed and leaned over to kiss her cheek. "Don't let him get to you, Rayna. Just remember, you're doing this for the girls. So they know their grandfather."

She huffed and sat there with her arms crossed over her waist. Finally she turned to him. "Thank you for being so understanding," she said.

He looked surprised. "I'm your husband, Rayna. I'm on your side. Lamar's not really so bad, but the two of you are just like oil and water." She frowned. "What I mean is, I'm glad to stand in between the two of you."

She sighed. "I just don't understand why everything I do bothers him so much," she said.

He slid over closer to her, putting his arm around her shoulder. "Hey, don't let him get to you. _I_ think you're amazing. You're an amazing wife and an amazing mother and an amazing singer. You dazzle me, Rayna." He smiled at her and she finally smiled back.

He'd said that before, the dazzling part. She didn't really want to dazzle him. That made it feel like he was putting her on a pedestal, like he'd won a prize, and she didn't want that. She wanted him to be her partner. That's how she felt about them. She reached out and put her hand on his cheek. "I think you're amazing too, Teddy," she said.

She leaned in and kissed him. She let her lips trail over his and finally took his bottom lip between her teeth. He opened his mouth to hers and put his hands on her waist. She kissed him a little longer and then she pushed the covers down and straddled him. "I want you, babe," she whispered, and then he gave her exactly what she needed.

 _ **~nashville~**_

 _ **A little bit of a time jump here.**_

"Deacon!"

He turned when he heard his name. He looked over and saw her standing there, off to the side, waving at him. _Annabelle._ Rayna had stopped when he did and he looked back at her. "Hey, I'll see you later," he said. "I'm gonna catch up with an old friend."

He headed in Annabelle's direction. She hadn't changed much, didn't even really look much older. He grinned as he approached her and then he lifted her up in his arms. "This is a surprise," he said, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed. He set her back down on the ground. "What are you doing here?"

She smiled. "I live here."

"Since when?"

She laughed again. "Since pretty much always. I'm from here."

He chuckled. "How did I not know that?"

She wrinkled her nose. "You were interested in other things back then," she said, giving him a sly smile. "So, are you leaving tonight or do you have time to catch up?"

He shook his head and smiled. "Nope. Not leaving tonight. And I'd love to catch up."

"Great! I know a place near here. You can go with me and I'll bring you back." He put his arm around her shoulder and let her lead him to her car.

* * *

They were settled in a little nook booth, in a low key bar, club sodas in front of them. Deacon picked his up and smiled at her. "You didn't forget," he said.

She smiled shyly. "Never."

"So how'd you know I was here?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Seriously? It's not like Rayna Jaymes is Sixwire." She took a sip of her club soda. "It was actually pure luck that I was in Dallas. So I thought I'd take a chance and see if I could catch you after the show." She breathed in. "I almost didn't do it. It had been a while and, well, you know."

He reached for her hand and squeezed it, smiling at her. "I'm glad you did," he said. He didn't let her hand go, letting his thumb graze over her fingers.

"I quit Sixwire," she said, suddenly.

He raised his eyebrows, surprised. "Really? When?"

"Just a couple weeks ago." She took a deep breath. "I got my own record deal, Deacon." She bit her lip.

"Seriously?" He grinned at her, then slid over next to her and pulled her into a bear hug. "I knew you could do it."

When he let her go, she smiled up at him, a little apologetically. "It's pop though. Not country."

He frowned a little. "You okay with that?"

She shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, country's my first love, but a record deal's a record deal." She took a deep breath. "The reason I'm in town is to pack up my place and put everything in storage. I'm going to LA."

"Sounds like the real deal then." He reached over and ran the back of his hand over her cheek and smiled. "I think we should celebrate," he said, his voice low.

She smiled up at him. "What did you have in mind?"

He looked at her for a minute, then moved his hand to the back of her neck. He leaned into her and she moved towards him. He brushed his lips over hers, then went in for a deeper kiss. He slid his other hand onto her thigh, lingering there a moment before he moved his hand higher. When he reached his target, she moaned low and deep in her throat. He pulled his lips from hers. "Maybe you could take me to your place," he murmured.

* * *

When he woke up the sun was shining brightly in the small bedroom. Annabelle was curled up under his arm and was lightly snoring. He smiled to himself, knowing how much she hated when he told her she snored. He ran the back of his hand gently down her arm. She stirred then, one leg sliding up his, and then she opened her eyes and looked up at him, smiling.

"So that was just as good as I remembered it," she said.

He chuckled and then leaned down to kiss her. "I was just thinking the same thing."

She rearranged herself a little and ran her fingers over his chest. "I'm glad I decided to hang out behind the arena. I almost didn't."

"Why not?"

"Mmm, I thought you might not have been happy to see me. You know."

He shook his head. "I'll always be happy to see you." He slid his fingers into her hair and pulled her in for another kiss. She trailed her fingers down his chest and under the sheet. He groaned as she lightly gripped him. "Damn, girl, I'm gonna have to show you just how glad I am to see you," he growled, as he rolled her over underneath him.

* * *

Annabelle pulled up to the entrance of the hotel. Deacon leaned across the console and kissed her. "Why don't you come to the show tonight?" he asked. "I'll leave a pass for you."

She looked surprised. "Really?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

She smiled. "Okay. I'll see you tonight." He smiled back at her, kissed her quickly, and got out of the car.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna watched as Deacon hustled across the parking lot and hugged the woman who called out to him. She felt a knot in her stomach that she knew she shouldn't feel. She told herself she needed to head on over to the bus, but she was rooted to the spot. After a few minutes, she watched Deacon put his arm around the woman and they walked off together.

"Rayna?" came Bucky's voice, behind her.

She turned. "Yeah?"

He looked puzzled. "You ready?" She nodded. He nodded towards Deacon. "I guess he's not going back with us tonight."

She turned back and looked as Deacon got into a car. "No, it looks like he's not," she said, her voice flat. She watched as the car drove off and then she sighed and turned towards the bus.

* * *

She sat on the couch in her suite that faced out towards downtown Dallas. It was a magnificent view, but she was hardly looking at it. She poured herself a second glass of wine and leaned back into the corner of the couch. She picked up her phone and held it in front of her. Finally she scrolled down her contacts and selected Teddy's name. "Hey, babe," she said warmly, a smile on her face, when he answered. "How's everything at home?"

"It's good. The girls went down pretty easily tonight. They wanted me to tell you they loved you."

"Aww. Tell them I love them to the moon and back." She laughed softly, then pulled her legs up to her chest and picked up her glass of wine, taking a sip. "How are you?"

"Good. Brought some work home and got a lot done. I've had some late nights, so it's probably good you were on the road." When Rayna didn't say anything, he continued. "The Cumberland deal. I told you about that."

He had. She hadn't paid a lot of attention. Teddy had changed jobs a while back and she knew she should know more about that, but she just didn't. As long as he was providing and could be there for the girls, she didn't dig too deep. It just sounded too much like her father and that bored her. "At least you had some quiet time," she said.

"Well, I would much prefer if you were here."

She felt an ache in her heart. "I love you, Teddy," she said. "I don't know if you know just how much."

"Is everything okay, Rayna?" He sounded concerned.

"Of course. I just miss you. I miss my family." She bit her lip. "You and the girls are the most important people in my life. I'm just, you know, thinking about y'all at home and I'm here…." She sighed. "I love what I do, Teddy, but I just miss y'all."

"We miss you too, Rayna," he said. "And you'll be home soon."

"Yeah."

"Look, I know you're tired. You should get some sleep."

She took another long sip of wine. "I love you, Teddy," she said.

"I love you too," he said. "See you soon."

She disconnected and laid the phone down. _He's a good man. I'm lucky to have him. I'm lucky he's so stable and is a good father. This is what I wanted. This life, on the road, and that family, at home._ She smiled to herself. She did have what she'd always wanted. If it didn't seem quite like how she had imagined it would, it probably meant her expectations were too great.

* * *

The next morning, as she headed across the lobby for a late breakfast, she ran into Deacon coming in. She smiled. "Hey," she said.

He looked a little uncomfortable, but he smiled back. "Hey."

She nodded towards the coffee shop. "I'm getting some breakfast. Join me."

He seemed like he wanted to decline, but then he shrugged. "Sure." And he followed her in.

After they were seated and had placed their order, she looked at him, smiling. "So who was that old friend?" she asked.

He raised his eyebrows and took a sip of coffee first. After he set the mug down, he said, "Annabelle. The singer from Sixwire."

That surprised her. He'd never mentioned her again after the time he'd spent with the band. She wondered if they'd stayed in touch and then she pushed it aside. She put a happy smile on her face she didn't totally feel. "I'm sure that was great to be able to catch up."

He nodded. "It was." He cleared his throat. "I know I told you she was real talented. She got a record deal. Out in LA."

Her smile grew bigger. "That's fabulous. You'll be able to say you knew her when."

"Yeah." He looked away. "So, I invited her to the show tonight." He looked back. "You can meet her."

She forced the smile to stay on her face. "I'll look forward to it." Luckily their food came right then and they settled into a strained silence as they ate.

* * *

She wondered if she was doomed to like Deacon's girlfriends. Maybe it shouldn't have been a surprise that he would choose genuinely nice women. She reminded herself that, no matter what, he was always a caring, loyal, authentic man. Now that he was sober, he was undeniably more attractive. And he deserved to be cared about.

" _Rayna," Deacon called out to her, as she headed up the steps to the side stage as the opener was finishing his set. She looked over and saw him standing with a very attractive brunette she surmised was Annabelle._

 _She put on her best performance smile and walked over. "Hey, y'all," she said warmly._

 _Deacon seemed a little nervous. "Rayna, this is Annabelle. Annabelle Henley," he said._

 _She noticed his hand was lightly touching her back. She wondered again how serious he might be about Annabelle. She took the other woman's hand in hers and leaned in slightly. "Annabelle, I'm so glad to meet you," she said. "Deacon said you were with Sixwire, that you replaced Kelsey?"_

 _Annabelle smiled, glancing quickly at Deacon, then back at Rayna. She nodded. "I was." Her eyes were shining. "I have to tell you, I'm so honored to meet you, Ms. Jaymes. I've always been such a big fan, even more after I met Deacon."_

" _Really? Well, thank you. And please, call me Rayna." She reached over and put her hand on Deacon's arm, squeezing it briefly. "Deacon's told me about you, that you've just signed a record deal. How exciting!"_

 _Annabelle nodded. "It was my dream. I told Deacon that back when I met him. I honestly never thought it would actually happen, but it did." Deacon put an arm around her then and hugged her._

 _Rayna felt her smile fade just a touch and reminded herself to show enthusiasm. "Well, I know all about following a dream." She took both of Annabelle's hands in hers and squeezed them. "I'm so glad you're here and I'm glad Deacon brought you. I hope you enjoy the show." She glanced over at Deacon. She couldn't really read the expression on his face and decided it was probably best that she not be able to. Then she turned and walked over to Bucky._

She thought he probably did still love her. And she surely did still love him. But she couldn't give her heart to him again. There had been too much pain and, every time she thought about what it might be like, she always went back to that. She could hear Tandy's words in her head. _I don't think that's how addiction works, babe. He'll always be an alcoholic. You don't know when something might happen and he falls off the wagon._ As painful as that had been to hear, and as much as she often wished Tandy would keep her snark about Deacon to herself, her sister was right. It was what always stopped her, whenever she even considered the what if's.

Things were good now. They'd found a place where they could be comfortable with each other. They could put the chemistry they still had into their performance on stage and then walk away at the end, without the pain. It didn't mean it was always easy, but they were doing it. Because they had to. Because there was no alternative. Because there was just too much at stake.


	16. Hello, Old Friend

Later, when she thought back on this time in her marriage, she realized that Teddy only ever seemed to want to have serious conversations as she was getting ready to go out on tour. As though he knew she was distracted and wouldn't pay close attention. And he was right, she didn't. It didn't really register that he didn't hold eye contact with her, that he seemed to stumble over his words a bit. She knew he had a big business deal going on, because he'd talked about it often, and when he asked her about investing some of their money – her money, really – in the deal, she'd trusted him and said yes. She never really thought about it again because, after all, he was her husband and he was smart, about many things but particularly about money, and because she knew he would never do anything to harm their family.

She had noticed he seemed more tense. He spent a lot of hours at work, which meant they'd had to have the babysitter stay longer, which cost money. He would look frazzled at times, morose at others. She would ask him about it and he would talk a little, almost hesitantly, but she, admittedly, didn't really understand all the business talk and she would let her mind drift to tour or studio details or the girls' activities. She was thinking of maybe cutting back on her touring a bit, since the girls were getting older. She didn't want to miss out on everything in their young lives and she and Teddy seemed to be in a good spot for her to do that.

When he would come home anxious or distracted, she'd wait until after the girls were in bed and give him a shoulder massage. They had a lot more sex then, because that seemed to take his mind off things. She even brought up the idea of having another baby, something that would also allow her to scale back a little, and she was surprised at his lack of enthusiasm.

 _Rayna pulled her hair back into a ponytail and opened up the jar of face cream. She dabbed a little on her fingers and started to work it into her skin. The water was still running in the shower, so she had a few minutes to get ready._

 _Teddy had been unusually out of sorts when he got home. He'd slammed his briefcase onto the kitchen island, startling Maddie, who'd been sitting there doing homework. Rayna frowned. "Teddy," she said sternly. "Was that necessary?"_

 _He looked at her and she could see the frustration in his eyes, the faint circles that spoke to a series of restless nights. His shoulders sagged. "I'm sorry," he said, contritely. "Just a bad day." He put on a smile for Maddie. "I'm sorry, sweetheart." He walked over and kissed their oldest daughter on her forehead. "How was your day?"_

 _Maddie smiled at him. "It was good. We went on a field trip to Cheapwood Florist."_

 _Teddy laughed. "You mean Cheekwood Forest?"_

 _Maddie frowned. "That's what I said," she said, an annoyed tone to her voice. She hopped off the stool and ran into the den, plopping herself on the couch with her arms crossed over her chest._

 _Teddy looked at Rayna. She smiled, shaking her head. "Seems everyone is touchy today," she said._

 _He walked over and put his arms around her. She leaned back against him and tilted her head slightly, as he kissed her neck. "I'm sorry. It's just frustrating dealing with people who don't want to make up their minds."_

 _She reached her hand up and cupped his cheek. "Don't worry so much, babe. Everything's good." She turned in his arms and gave him a quick kiss. "Now, go spend some time with your girls while I get dinner done."_

 _He'd seemed to have shaken off the tension and had been in a good mood since dinner. He and the girls had been laughing by the time they went to bed. She got up and walked into her closet. She took off the clothes she was wearing and opened up one of the drawers, where she kept her lingerie. She pulled out a silk nightie that fell only to the middle of her thighs. It had spaghetti straps and showed off a substantial amount of cleavage. She slid it on and looked at herself in the mirror. She removed the ponytail holder and let her hair fall in sexy waves over her shoulders. She put her fingers in her hair and lifted it slightly, giving it a tousled look. She smiled, satisfied. Then she walked into the bedroom and slipped into bed, waiting for Teddy._

 _When he joined her, he smiled appreciatively and leaned in to kiss her. "You look beautiful," he said._

 _She slid her hand up under his pajama top and ran her fingers over his chest. "I think you need a little feel good time, don't you?" she said, with a wink._

 _He put his hand on her thigh and moved it upwards. He smiled when he found she wasn't wearing panties. Putting his hands on her waist, he slid her down on the bed, as she giggled. She pushed at his pajama bottoms. He hovered over her as she ran her hands down his abdomen. He groaned when she touched him. "God, Rayna," he murmured, as she continued to stroke him._

 _She looked up into his eyes. "I need you, Teddy," she whispered. "Now."_

* * *

 _He held her in his arms afterward and she lay with her head on his chest. "What would you think if I stayed home a little more?" she asked._

 _He smiled. "If it means more of this, that might be nice," he said._

 _She rolled onto her stomach so she could look at him. "The girls are getting older and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I thought I could cut back a little on touring."_

 _He frowned a little, which surprised her. "What does 'a little' mean?"_

 _She looked down at her hands, clasped together. "I don't know. Maybe just in the summer, when they're out of school?"_

" _That really cuts down your income, doesn't it?"_

" _Well, yeah. Less tour dates means less total money, although there's still income from albums and merchandise." She looked at him. "But money's not an issue, right?"_

 _He closed his eyes. "Right."_

 _She smiled. "I was also thinking about something else."_

 _He opened his eyes and looked at her. "What?"_

" _I think this might be our last opportunity to have another baby. I know we didn't really talk about that after Daphne, but maybe we'd have a son?"_

 _Teddy frowned and sat up. "I think our family's fine the way it is," he said, his tone a little sharp. "If you're already thinking of cutting back on touring, we don't need to add another expense." He narrowed his eyes. "Please tell me you haven't gone off birth control."_

 _She caught her breath and then she sat up. She scowled. "No, of course not. That's why I was talking to you now." For a moment she felt like crying, but she took a deep breath and pushed aside that emotion. She looked at him passively. "Well, I guess that's that, then." She moved off the bed and went back to the closet, changing into a t-shirt and pajama pants. When she came back to bed, Teddy had turned on his side away from her and she got into bed on her side, her back to him._

 _The same way they'd slept together for years._

Actually, when she thought about it, he'd seemed almost angry she'd brought it up. They never talked again about having another baby. She never brought it up again either, nor did she change her touring schedule. Something seemed to change that night between the two of them, although it would be a long time before she'd understand what that was.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna got up from the bench and walked over to the drink fridge. She opened the door and pulled out a water. She looked back at Deacon. "You want anything?" she asked. They were on their way from St. Louis to Chicago. Deacon was back to riding mostly on her bus during the day. It gave them time to work on set lists and arrangements.

He looked up from the papers that were spread all over the table in between them. "Yeah, sure. Water's good." He looked back at the paper in front of him. "I think there's two or three songs here you oughta put on hold right away, Ray. Someone's gonna snatch them up if you don't."

She slid back into the seat across from him and handed him a water. She smiled coyly. "I bet I can figure out the ones you're talking about," she said.

He smiled back at her and raised his eyebrows. "Yeah? You think I'm that predictable?" he said, teasingly.

She took a swallow of water and then pointed her finger towards him. "I know you too well, Deacon Claybourne. You _are_ predictable. And you know just what I like."

He took a beat, knowing she didn't mean it _that_ way. "Yeah, that's probably true," he said finally. "Which ones?"

"Well, 'Strange' and 'I Just Call You Mine', for sure. I like 'It Happens', but I'm not sure why Jennifer and Kristian would even put that one out there."

He shrugged. "Maybe they got too many songs for the next record?"

She shook her head. "Maybe. But then keep it for the next." She reached for some of the lyrics. There were a pile of demos sitting on the edge of the table, that matched up to the lyrics pages. She looked at one page and ran her tongue over her lips. He knew the one she was looking at and she knew why she was hesitant.

He reached over and pulled the lyrics sheet back over in front of him. His eyes skimmed over the words again. _I bet you're in a bar / It's always the same old song / That Johnny Walker Red / By now it's almost gone / But baby, I won't be there / To catch you when you fall._ He breathed in and looked over at her. "You should do it, Ray," he said softly.

She looked up at him, sadness in her eyes. "I don't know, Deacon. It seems kind of…personal, you know?"

He just looked at her. She was right. It was a song they could have written about their own lives. Didn't mean it wasn't a good song. She could sell it. He knew it, he knew she knew it too. "Well, Rayna, just 'cause it's personal don't mean it won't sell. Or that you shouldn't record it. You know it speaks to you."

She put her elbows on the table and then leaned her forehead on the palms of her hands. "I don't know, Deacon. I just don't want people thinking I'm singing about you, you know?" She looked up. "In a bad way, I mean."

He shrugged. "It's truth, Ray. You and I both know we lived it. But it's been a long time ago and we both gone different ways. Now it's just a song. And a damn good song. I think you should do it."

She sat back and looked at him, a smile crossing her face. "What would I do without you?" she asked. He shook his head. "It's true, you know, there'd be no Rayna Jaymes without Deacon Claybourne. Still." She looked away for a second, then back. "It's been almost ten years, you know?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Ten years?"

She nodded. "You being sober. Almost ten years." She shook her head and laughed just a little. "You know, I knew you could do it, I knew you could make it work. And I'm just so damn proud of you for doing it, Deacon. I really am."

He lowered his head a bit, a self-conscious smile on his face. "It ain't always been easy, but it seemed necessary," he said.

"What made this time different?"

He breathed in. "You." She bit her lip and looked away. "I mean, after all I done to you, it was like I needed to make it work. I know you paid for that last time, Ray, and I knew it was my last chance. And, I guess, all these years I been paying you back. You know?" He lifted the bottle of water to his lips and drained it.

She looked at him and nodded slowly. "Yeah," she said. "I know."

She ended up taking his recommendation and putting 'Last Call' on her album. It had moderate success, but he always thought it was one of the truest songs she'd ever done, at least among the songs they had not written together.

 _ **~nashville~**_

The night things fell apart, Teddy came home drunk. Late and drunk. Not drunk the way Deacon used to come home drunk, just a drink or so past buzzed.

When he wasn't home on time, Rayna had called his office to check on him. There had been no answer and, when the call went to voice mail, there had been a generic message, not Teddy's usual unique message. She tried his cell phone and it went straight to voice mail. She tried not to be worried. She helped Maddie with homework and then she and the girls fixed chicken nuggets and fries for dinner. She read to Daphne after dinner while Maddie practiced piano.

Inside she was worried, but she put a happy face on for the girls, telling them Daddy was working late. Teddy still wasn't home when it was time to get the girls ready for bed, so she handled bath time and ready for bed time on her own. She told each one Daddy would come see them when he got home and then she kissed each one on the forehead and told them she loved them.

When she went back downstairs, she looked at the clock. It was past eight thirty and she was officially more than worried. She tried his cell phone again and it still went to voice mail. She paced the den, wringing her hands. Finally she called Tandy.

"Hey, babe, what's up?" Tandy said when she answered.

"Um, Teddy's not home and he's not answering his phone, and I'm getting a little worried," she said. "Actually I'm a lot worried. He never does this. Should I call the police? Should I call the hospitals?" Tandy didn't immediately answer. Rayna frowned. "Tandy, do you know something?"

"I don't think I should be the one to tell you. I think Teddy should."

Rayna breathed in and out slowly. Her voice sounded frantic in her head. "Well, he's not here and he's not answering his phone, so I think maybe _you_ should tell me, if you know something. Is he okay?"

"Well, probably not okay, but not hurt or anything. But you know that his real estate deal wasn't going well, right?"

Rayna felt her heart sink. Was that what he'd been trying to tell her, all those times she really didn't pay attention? "I…I don't think I really knew the extent," she said, frantically trying to remember anything he'd said.

"It really kind of all was falling apart, but it just really kind of imploded today." Tandy sighed. "Sweetheart, I really don't know all the details, but I'm sure he'll be home soon and he'll fill you in on everything. I'm sure he's just a little embarrassed to come home and tell you."

"Embarrassed? Why would he be embarrassed? Because a business deal didn't work out?"

Tandy didn't say anything at first. "I think he needs to be the one to talk to you."

After she hung up, Rayna was even more concerned. She didn't know what to expect and she was worried. This had been so out of character. Thirty minutes later, he finally came in the door, and she went rushing to him. He looked unsteady and when she got close to him, she could smell the whiskey. She scowled. "Are you drunk?" she asked.

He smiled sarcastically. "Just a little buzzed," he said, slurring his words just a bit. "Not like what you're used to." He made his way into the den and slumped down on the couch.

She followed him and sat in a chair next to him. She decided to ignore his comment. "What happened, Teddy? I've been worried about you. I tried your office and your cell and got no answer. What's going on?"

He let out a sharp laugh. "I fucked up, Rayna," he said and she winced at the language. "The Cumberland Deal is dead and all the investors are screwed."

She felt a little niggle of apprehension. She knew he'd invested a little of their money. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"I mean, all the money is gone. And I've been 'relieved of my duties' on the board." He looked at her, his eyes faintly bloodshot. "We're broke, Rayna."

She was confused. "What do you mean? Your business?"

"My business. Us. We're broke."

She felt like she was going to throw up. "I thought you only invested some of our money," she whispered.

He looked away from her. "At first. But eventually it was all of it. I had to do it."

At first she didn't know what to say. First she started to get angry and then she was in a panic. She had no idea what to do. "How could you do this, Teddy?" she asked finally. "How could you do this to our family?" He broke down in tears then and she sat and watched him at first, numb. Finally she got up and, feeling like she was in a fog, she walked up the stairs and crawled into bed with Maddie.

She hardly slept that night, as she thought about her sobbing husband downstairs and the implications of that on her family. She was scared – terrified, actually – but she knew she had to hold it together and be strong for all of them, because it was all on her.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon had been surprised when Bucky called him to let him know they were adding tour dates and extending the tour another six months. "When we gonna get in the studio?" he asked. He'd been working on arrangements during downtime and now he wondered what their schedule would be.

"I'm working with the studio to rework our dates. We'll be in studio almost every day when we have a break. We may even look at studio time on some of our tour stops, where it makes sense," Bucky said. He'd sounded a little frazzled when he'd called.

"What's going on, Buck?" he asked.

"I don't know, Deacon. All I know is Rayna called me first thing yesterday morning to let me know she needed us to add more dates."

"Okay then. See you at Sound Check." He hung up the phone and sat back on the couch and wondered what the hell was going on.

* * *

The only thing Rayna would say at first, when he asked her about the change in plans, was "We gotta strike while the iron's hot." It was fine for him. He didn't have anything else going on and being out on the road and being busy was better than sitting around an empty house. But he was worried about her. She seemed on edge, like something wasn't quite right. But she was doing what she always did these days, keeping everything bottled up inside, putting on the performance face, and telling everyone everything was fine.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Rayna filled her travel mug with coffee and set it next to her purse. "Rayna, do you want any breakfast?" Teddy asked.

She turned to look at him. He looked so hopeful and all she really wanted to do was slap him. She took a deep breath, reminding herself that Maddie and Daphne were sitting at the counter, watching all of it. She put a fake smile on her face. "No, thanks, babe, I gotta get to the studio. We only have two days and we're behind."

He smiled, even though she knew he was desperate these days. "Will you be home for dinner?" he asked.

"I don't know," she snapped, then closed her eyes and breathed in. "I'm sorry. I don't know," she said, moderating her tone. "I'll try. Deacon's got a new arrangement for one of the songs that just hasn't been working, so we really need to get it right." She could see the tightness in his jaw when she mentioned Deacon, but she really didn't care.

"Mommy, will you be home to read us a story?" Daphne asked.

Rayna turned to look at her girls, sitting and watching their parents. She knew they felt some of the tension, Maddie especially. Maddie was her sensitive girl, worrying about everything. She smiled, a genuine smile of love. "I am definitely going to be here to read you a story, baby," she said. Daphne beamed.

"I want you to listen to what I'm playing in the recital too," Maddie said, pushing her glasses up on her nose.

She turned to look at her oldest daughter. "I will be here to do that too. I promise." She picked up her coffee and purse and walked around the island to kiss each of her girls goodbye. "Now, mama's gotta go or I'm gonna be late. And your uncle Deacon will be mad at me for being late again." The girls giggled. She looked up at Teddy, the smile leaving her face. "Don't forget they have ballet today," she said.

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I remember," he said, a little testily.

She rolled her eyes and headed out the door.

* * *

She sat in the sound room with headphones on. Randy and Deacon were watching her. She frowned and pulled the headphones off. "Damn it," she said. She looked at them. "Deacon, your arrangement is great, much better than before, but now the vocal's off. We're gonna have to redo it."

Randy looked exasperated. "Rayna, it works fine. I'm not really sure what you're hearing…."

She glared at him. "Randy, it's _my_ album. And if it doesn't sound good to me, then it's not good." She looked back and forth between Randy and Deacon, as if challenging them to disagree with her. Deacon gave a sideways glance at Randy and she turned to him, eyes flashing. "You disagree?"

Deacon shook his head. "You're right, Ray, it's your album. But I worked at fitting the arrangements to the vocals."

She raised her eyebrows. "But it didn't fit, Deacon. We need to do it over."

He shrugged. "You're the boss."

"You're damn right I am." She got up and headed for the recording booth. She got to the door and turned to him. "You coming?"

He nodded. "Yes, ma'am." He pushed off the sound board and followed her.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He wasn't sure what happened or why it happened then, exactly. Rayna had been on edge for weeks, with everyone, including him. They were only home for two days, but she insisted they get in the studio. She'd been listening to the tracks they'd laid down almost non-stop while they were on the road. She had always been a perfectionist and had always been a hands-on artist, giving feedback and making suggestions, but now it seemed as though she was pushing it to the limit.

She was brittle and he was worried. On stage, she never failed to give a top notch performance, never letting anyone know whatever it was that was going on behind the scenes. Whenever he asked her what was going on, she told him it was none of his business. He thought it might have to do with Teddy, but he didn't push. He felt like the studio days could wait, but she'd insisted.

 _As they headed across the parking lot at Sound Check, Rayna called out, "See you tomorrow!"_

 _He stopped and then walked towards her. She stopped too and looked at him with confusion. "Do we really need to do this?" he asked. "Don't you want to spend time with your girls?"_

 _She frowned. "We're on a schedule, Deacon," she said._

 _He raised his eyebrows. "We're ahead of schedule, Rayna. We don't_ _need_ _to do this."_

" _Actually, yes, we do. We need to make sure the new arrangements work."_

" _Randy can do that."_

 _She stomped her foot. "_ _We_ _need to be there. Don't argue with me, Deacon. Just be there."_

 _He'd merely looked at her, then turned and walked to his truck._

He adjusted his headphones and watched Rayna adjust hers. She pointed towards Randy and he started the intro. When he had revised the arrangements, he'd mentioned to Randy they might want to add a string section, just to add some depth. Randy had taken care of it before they'd returned to Nashville, adding it to the already recorded instrumentals. He was pleased with how it sounded.

He watched Rayna as she got ready to sing. She always closed her eyes. She'd told him years ago, when they were getting started, that it helped her to get inside herself and not feel like anyone was watching. Of course, he was always watching. Still was.

 _Oh there's something 'bout a man in black / Makes me want to buy a Cadillac / Throw the top back / And roll down to Jackson town / I wanna be there on the stage with you / You and I could be the next rage too / Hear the crowd roar / Make 'em want more / Kick the footlights out_

 _I wanna love like Johnny and June / Rings of fire burnin' with you / I wanna walk the line, / Walk the line / Till the end of time…._

Suddenly, she stopped, as tears rolled down her face. Deacon was rooted to the spot, watching her, and then, when she put her hands over her face and started to sob, he reached out for her, pulling her into his arms and gesturing to Randy to stop.

He pulled her headphones off and then his own as she grabbed his shirt in her fists and sobbed into his shoulder. For a few minutes he just let her cry, her head against him, her body shaking. "Hey, baby, it's okay," he whispered into her hair. "Come on, let's go sit down." He led her back to the sound booth, which Randy had vacated, and they sat on the couch. She curled into him, seemingly unable to let him go.

As she continued to cry, he ran one hand up and down her arm and the fingers of his other hand were tangled in her hair. He felt a mix of emotions, holding her this close, things he knew he shouldn't feel, things he didn't want to feel. But she seemed reluctant to let him go and so he just held her.

Finally she pulled away, sitting up and swiping the tears away. She gave him a sad smile. "I'm sorry," she said. She reached out and put her hand on his chest and let out a little laugh. "I got your shirt wet."

He shook his head, concern still filling him up. "It's okay." He reached for her hand and rubbed his thumb across the top of it. "You wanna talk about it?"

She shook her head. "No." Then she nodded. "Yes." She sighed. She propped herself against the back of the couch, still holding his hand. "Everything's just fallen apart."

He frowned. "What? Tour seems to be going good…."

She shook her head again. "Not this." She breathed in. "We're broke. _I'm_ broke. Teddy lost all our money."

He raised his eyebrows. "What?" He was surprised. Not that he paid a lot of attention to Teddy Conrad, but he knew he was a well-educated man with a good job, he thought, so this didn't make sense. Although it would explain her mood of late.

She waved her hand in front of her face, tears threatening again. "I didn't pay close enough attention, I guess. But he had this business deal and he was getting investors and one of the investors was us. Me. I thought it was just a little bit, but eventually he used all our savings. I just didn't know it. And now we're broke." She laughed, but it wasn't a happy laugh. "So now I've got to make sure I keep us afloat. Which is why we're touring more and why this album is so important." She leaned her head back for a second and breathed out. Then she looked back at him. "I can hardly look at him now, Deacon. I don't want to be in the same room as him. I want to tell him to sleep in the guest room, but, you know, with the girls…."

He shook his head. "Rayna, why are you doing this?" She looked confused. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You're my friend. I need to talk to someone."

He breathed out. "You and me, we shouldn't be talking about Teddy and your home life. You get that, right?" She looked away. "I want to help, any way I can, but this part don't feel right."

She looked back at him and nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry." She squeezed his hand. "But I depend on you, you know that, right? I mean, you know me better than anyone and I know you've been worried. I just don't want you to be. We'll figure it out. I just need to make sure I can provide for my family."

He nodded. "I'll do whatever I can. Whatever you need."

She smiled then, a more hopeful smile. "Thanks, Deacon." She breathed out. "I think you might be right and I need to go home and spend some time with my girls." They stood up. "Maybe I'll cancel tomorrow. I don't know. I think maybe I just need a little time."

He smiled at her encouragingly. "Take all the time you need."

She reached out and put her hand on his arm for a second, then turned to walk out, picking up her purse as she did. He watched as she left, wondering what all of this might mean.

 _ **The song "Last Call" is by Lee Ann Womack. The song "Johnny and June" is by Heidi Newfield.**_


	17. No One Will Ever Love You Like I Do

_**A/N: So, this is the end. This incorporates the first two episodes from season one, culminating in their song at the Bluebird which, in my mind, is when things began to turn again in Deacon and Rayna's relationship. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and especially those who left a comment. I always love hearing what you think!**_

Rayna sat in her car outside the Opry House, after the show. She thought back to the meeting in her dressing room. First it was Juliette Barnes, who walked in as though she were the queen bee. Which, it appeared, she was. She could still see her smug face and her insincere smile. _My mama was one of your biggest fans. She said she'd listen to you when I was still in her belly._ She made a face, feeling the bile creep up her throat.

And then there were the suits from the label, telling her she needed to open for Juliette Barnes. She rested her elbow on the edge of the door and ran her hand over her face. _What am I gonna do? What the hell happened and how did I miss it?_

* * *

Teddy was still up when she got home. He was cleaning up in the kitchen. He smiled. "How was it?" he asked.

She looked at him. He tried so hard to please her. Even though she knew it chafed at him, he'd stayed home for the girls, while she spent all her time out on the road or in the studio. He kept the home fires burning, he liked to say. She really wanted to be grateful, but it still rankled, although not as much as in the beginning. Sometimes she thought he was afraid to try again and being a househusband the last couple years had been an easy choice for him. But now she had a decision to make about her future. She wasn't really ready to talk to him about what had happened that night. Mostly because it was his fault she was in this predicament in the first place. Instead she gave him a smile she didn't feel. "Good," she said. "It's always good being on the Opry stage, you know?"

He folded the towel and laid it on the counter. "You want anything? There's chicken fingers left over."

She shook her head. "I'm not hungry." And she wasn't. She raised her eyebrows. "I could sure use a glass of wine, though." _Actually I could use a whole bottle._

She waited while he poured her a glass and handed it to her. As she raised it to her lips, he said, "You want to sit down and relax a little?"

She swallowed. "Actually, I really need a little decompression time, if that's okay." She gave him a tired smile. "You know how that is." She didn't wait for him to respond as she headed for the music room. It was the one room in the house he didn't come into.

She sat on one of the leather couches and propped her feet up on the coffee table, as she sipped on her wine. She finally let the tears come, something she would only do in private. This was all wearing on her, propping up Teddy, taking care of the family, trying to keep them all afloat. She mostly tried not to think about it, but she realized she'd let some things get past her as she'd been laser focused on money-making activity.

Since the night Teddy had come home, buzzed or drunk or whatever, telling her he'd sunk all their money into his failed business deal, she'd had to step up her game. Somewhere along the way, she'd taken her foot off the pedal. She'd let herself believe Teddy would always take care of them, just like he had in the beginning. She didn't know just when the tables had turned. When had he started feeling like he was in her shadow? That's what he'd told her, the next day, when she'd tried to navigate her way through the mess their lives had become, seemingly overnight.

They still slept in the same bed, kept up appearances for everyone, continued to parent together, but things had changed for good that night. After a few times, when she'd rebuffed his sexual advances, he left her alone. They hardly talked anymore, unless it was about the girls. Whenever they did talk about money or anything else other than the girls, they argued.

She thought about Deacon. In many ways, he'd been her port in a storm. He didn't ask a lot of questions, but he was always there. After the day she'd fallen apart in his arms, they didn't talk about Teddy anymore. They didn't have to. He knew. Just like he knew everything about her. Like he always had. He was just there, to support her, to be her friend, to listen to what she did say. She was glad to have him, glad for his loyalty. She was going to need him more than ever now.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon had heard of Juliette Barnes before, but had never met her until that night at the Opry tribute for Watty. She said she had his album, the one that had never really made it out of the record bins all those years ago, and she even knew one of the more obscure songs, so he was impressed. She was confident and spunky. She actually reminded him a little bit of Rayna, back in the very early days, although he knew better than to say that to her. He didn't care for Juliette's music, but he never minded someone liking his.

He really didn't give her another thought until she showed up at the Bluebird, standing outside his truck. Clearly she was working whatever angle she thought might convince him to give her the time of day. But one thing stuck with him, the comment she'd made about Rayna's tour being cancelled. Rayna had certainly been distracted, even a little pulled inside herself, ever since Watty's tribute at the Opry. He'd learned, over the years, to give her space when she was like this. It usually meant she was trying to work through something. But he was pretty sure she'd tell him something this important.

He had heard about the change at the top at Edgehill Republic. It didn't impact him, since he was employed by Rayna directly and not by the label, but he wondered if that was what her distance was about. And the comment from Juliette Barnes. He would wait, though, and let Rayna tell him in her own time. She would eventually, he knew that.

* * *

Rehearsal seemed to be going well until Rayna threw a little fit over her earpiece. He thought she sounded fine, but he suspected whatever it was going on behind the scenes was behind her 'diva dip'. He had smirked a little when she'd said that. She rarely had a tantrum on stage, even as much of a perfectionist as she was, and that was her way of trying to minimize it.

"Deacon? You got a minute?" she called out.

He looked over at her. "For you I do," he said. She picked up her jacket and he followed her out.

As they walked, she finally told him what was going on. "You know there's a new guy in charge at Edgehill," she said.

"Yeah, I heard that."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, he sent his henchmen over to the Opry the other night to try and get me to open for Juliette Barnes. Can you believe that?"

That surprised him. "Seriously? You can perform circles around her."

She smiled at him. "Well, thank you for that."

They walked a little ways in silence. "Why would they want you to do that, Ray?" he asked, finally.

She breathed in and looked away. Then she pushed her hands into her pockets and shrugged her shoulders. "Well, apparently I'm not making them much money anymore." Her voice sounded rough, like she was on the verge of tears.

He frowned. "I don't understand. Your last album went platinum."

She looked back at him. "I know. But the new one's not. It's not selling and the tour's not selling." She sighed. "If I don't do this, they won't support my record _or_ my tour."

"But why Juliette Barnes?"

She laughed sarcastically. "Because she's the big star these days at Edgehill. And if I hitch my star to hers, maybe some of her fans will become my fans." She looked at him and made a face. "I think that's pretty unlikely, don't you?"

He wasn't sure exactly how to respond to her. He understood her laser-focused view of her career. One of the things he admired most about her was that she had a clear vision of who she was as an artist and she was always true to that vision. He also knew Teddy still wasn't working anywhere and he had to wonder if that factored in to her decision making. But if her record wasn't selling and the tour wasn't selling, she'd have to do something. "Are you sure you'd be an opener?"

"Well, they call it co-headline, but yes, I'd be opening for her." She looked at him, her face serious. "I don't think I could do that, Deacon. I've done my time as an opener. I can't go backwards. And I think I still have a lot of good years left."

They walked some more and talked some more and by the time he left her, back at Sound Check, he was wondering what would happen when she had her meeting at the label. He felt pretty sure she wouldn't agree to the joint tour, or whatever they wanted to call it, with Juliette Barnes. He knew she wasn't ready to hang it up, but it sounded like, if she didn't do as they asked, she didn't have a lot of options.

He'd told her about Juliette Barnes asking him to join her tour. He hadn't intended to tell her about it, but she'd seemed like she might be in a place where she'd consider cutting back and he didn't want to stand in the way of that. He didn't want her to feel like she had to hang on for him, or anyone else. After the initial frenetic pace she'd set after Teddy's business collapse, things had settled back into a more normal routine. If someone were to have asked him, though, if he was surprised at the turn of events for her career, he would have said no. He was probably a little more pragmatic than she was, about her career at least, and he knew there was a trajectory for artists and he knew, unless she did something different, she could be on a downward turn. But he wasn't prepared to abandon her yet.

He thought about her comment that she didn't want to hold him back. He knew what she was saying, that she didn't want him to hang on when there was nothing left to hang on for. But she'd taken him back, all those years ago, when he first got out of rehab. She'd done it, even though everybody was telling her not to. She did it, even though she was afraid nothing would change. But she had believed in him and stuck by him and they'd made it, nearly thirteen years now, stronger together this time around. He just wasn't sure he could walk away. He owed her everything.

Except that Juliette Barnes was driving a hard bargain.

 _ **~nashville~**_

She was having a very, very bad day.

She and Teddy were hardly speaking to each other, since his announcement that he was going to run for mayor. And that he was being backed by her own father. She knew it was just Lamar's way of getting into their business and she wasn't any more interested in it these days than she'd been back when she was sixteen years old.

She had thought of little else than Teddy's desire to step out and find his own way. The problem was that, as she knew only too well, the way he was choosing to do it would involve putting their whole family in the spotlight, a place she spent her whole life staying out of. It was one thing to be in the spotlight on stage, a place where she wanted to be front and center, the only place where she actually felt comfortable exposing herself like that. It was something else entirely to be put on a public stage where the rules weren't the same.

She'd always kept her personal life private. She hadn't consciously done that, in the beginning, but she'd never really felt comfortable talking about her life in Belle Meade. She had always felt like a square peg in a round hole, someone standing on the outside looking in, and when she finally had a chance to break free, she wanted to stand on her own two feet. She'd distanced herself from her roots by taking on her mother's maiden name. She'd kept most of the struggles and heartache of her relationship with Deacon private. And, of course, she'd rewritten the story of her life when she'd married Teddy and passed off her daughter as his.

Her personal life was private. She'd always said that, whenever a reporter or anyone else had asked. She'd learned, at a very young age, to put on a happy face and keep any pain or sorrow or regret hidden away. The only person she'd ever truly opened up to was Deacon. He was the only one who'd ever seen the things she'd neatly hidden away. Much of that was because of the pain they'd caused each other. It had meant their feelings were raw and torn and ripped open. He had loved her as fully and completely as anyone could have and she had supported and protected him every day. Her goal had been to keep him safe and she had laid it all on the line for him to do that. But to the rest of the world, she'd been the perfect Rayna Jaymes, with her performance smile, always presenting that positive image.

Yes, maybe Teddy did deserve his time in the spotlight, but it would be at her expense, she knew that. Politics was a dirty game and she felt a gnawing sense of anxiety at what exactly that could lead to.

* * *

She had felt confident and strong when she'd told Marshall Evans she wasn't opening for Juliette Barnes and that he could kiss her ass, but after she left the building she wondered if she'd made a mistake. She hoped he flinched at her refusal to do as he asked, hoped he capitulated when he realized she was the person who'd built that label and that she was willing to walk away. She was counting on her legacy to protect her, but there was still a part of her that worried. If he called her bluff, she was done.

But things just went from bad to worse. She found out Lamar had financed her first album, something that infuriated her. It felt like her whole career had been built on a lie. Then his threat regarding Maddie. She'd snapped. She had walked out of his house and gotten in her car, slamming the door on Tandy. She'd been driving aimlessly, trying to figure out what to do, trying to decide what the best course of action was.

It had been a long time since she'd felt like she wasn't in control of her life. She'd spent years managing all the complications, holding fast to the decisions she'd made, and staying true to that. But now it all felt like it was threatening to unravel. Her career was at a crossroads. Teddy's restlessness threatened to upend their lives. And a girl she wouldn't have even had as her backup singer was pulling at Deacon, threatening her anchor.

She sighed. Teddy was expecting her at the announcement. Her father and Tandy were expecting her there. She didn't want to do this, didn't want to expose herself this way. This wasn't the life she'd wanted and yet now it appeared she was knee deep in it. As a storm raged around her, she tried to sort through the complicated feelings and decisions. _Where the hell is this going to take us?_

 _ **~nashville~**_

As Deacon drove through downtown Nashville in the rain, he kept asking himself what the hell he thought he was doing. Juliette Barnes was not giving up, that was clear. She'd somehow gotten his number and called him, asking him yet again, as sweetly as she could, to write with her. She intrigued him, in a way he hadn't been intrigued by a woman since Annabelle Henley. She was quite different from Annabelle, but she certainly had Annabelle's pluck and determination. And since he didn't have anything else to do that night, he figured _what the hell_.

He pulled up to the gate and the guard let him through. He'd parked in front of Juliette's house and ran up to the front door with his guitar. When she opened the door, she had that same look on her face she'd had when she cornered him outside the Bluebird. "Hey, there," she said, a sly smile on her lips. "What took you so long?"

He chuckled, looking back out towards the pouring rain. "Weather, I guess," he said.

She stepped back. "Well, come on in. I'm ready for you." She smiled knowingly and he smirked in return.

* * *

They'd played at writing a song. He'd assumed it was a prelude to something else – and it was – but it turned out she actually was serious about writing. They talked a little, he put some words down on paper, and then, after she sent someone away who'd knocked on her door, she came back and made it clear that songwriting was over for the night.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Thankfully, Teddy had not pretended he thought she'd come to his announcement because she really wanted to be there. They had certainly pretended to be a united front and she had given the crowd her best Rayna Jaymes smile, greeting people warmly and acting proud of her husband. But inside she felt cold. She felt like she was being pushed in a direction she didn't want to go.

When he came into the bedroom, she was already in bed. He quietly changed into his pajamas and then got in on his side of the bed. He sat as she lay with her back to him. "Thank you for coming to the announcement," he said.

She breathed out. "Well, what else was I supposed to do, Teddy? How would it have looked if I hadn't been there?"

He didn't say anything for a minute. When he did, his voice was tight. "I didn't force you, Rayna. I just asked you to support me."

She turned over on her back and looked up at him. "Yes, you did. And I did that. I still don't like it." She turned back on her side. "Just please don't ask me again to give up my career."

He was silent and finally she fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

The next day she met Watty and Bucky at Sound Check. Watty had told her he had a great idea for her and she was anxious to hear it. Watty had been her mentor for years, was the person who'd discovered her, and she still relied on his judgement where her career was concerned. He'd never steered her wrong and she knew he had her best interests at heart. But, at first, she thought he'd lost his mind when he suggested she and Deacon go out on tour together, just the two of them.

She had just gotten over the initial shock of it when Deacon showed up. She looked up at him as he walked up. "Well, speak of the devil," she said, with a smirk.

He set his guitar down. "Sorry I'm late," he said, as he sat down. "Traffic." He reached in front of her to pluck a piece of pineapple off her plate of fruit. "What'd I miss?"

"Watty has a great idea," she said, sarcastically.

He raised his eyebrows at her and then looked at Watty. "Clearly she disagrees with you, then," he said with a smile.

Watty shook his head. "I heard these kids last night at the Bluebird and it reminded me of the two of you, back when you were first starting out. That tour you did across the southeast. I think that's what you should do now."

She looked back at Deacon, trying to gauge his reaction. "Just the two of us. All the old songs." She grinned. "Crazy, right?"

He had an odd look on his face and he looked at Watty and then back at her. "Actually, it ain't such a bad idea, Ray," he said. "You'd have a lot more control over things. You could do as many or as few dates as you wanted and it would be a lot easier if it was just me and you to worry about." He shrugged and snagged a strawberry.

She smacked at his hand. "Hey, that's mine," she said, playfully. He grinned and popped it in his mouth. She sat back and crossed her arms over her chest. "Really? You really think it's a good idea?"

He breathed in. "It ain't gonna be like it was back then, Ray, you know that. You're still the great Rayna Jaymes. I'd just be your guitar player singing backup."

She squinted her eyes at him. "Did Watty already tell you about this? Is that why you're on board?"

He shook his head and smiled sheepishly. "Nah. But Watty's ideas usually are good. You know that. And if this helps you, you know I'll do whatever you want."

She looked at him for a minute. It was one thing to have him in her band, it would be quite another for them to tour by themselves. They'd be on the same bus, which could be tricky. And all that time, just the two of them. She looked back at Watty and sighed. "Maybe you're right." She turned to Bucky. "Can you get Marshall to agree to it?"

He nodded. "I think so. I'll work out the details and lay out the plan for him."

She felt nervous. She certainly wasn't ready to hang it up and there was no way she'd tour with Juliette Barnes. If this was what she needed to do, she'd suck it up and do it.

"I think you should do a little test run first," Watty said. "Deacon, you still have your regular gig at the Bluebird?" He nodded. "Rayna, I think the two of you should do a couple numbers there the next time he's there. It's a comfortable place and you can see what kind of reaction you get. Just show up like it's not a planned thing and get a sense of the vibe."

Rayna ran her hands through her hair. "I need to run it by Teddy," she said, not looking at anyone. "With this mayor's race thing, I just have to have him on board, you know?" She had no idea what he would say, but she was pretty certain it would not be a great conversation.

 _ **~nashville~**_

The minute the courier laid the guitar case down, Deacon felt a chill run down his spine. He realized he shouldn't have been surprised Juliette had that delivered at this particular time. She was already a source of tension between him and Rayna and he knew she didn't need another reason to get annoyed with him over Juliette Barnes. Nothing he was going to say was going to fix it, he knew that. So of course they had fought and, of course, she had walked out and, of course, he'd been mad.

She was right, though. It _was_ a bribe. For a lot more than just being on Juliette Barnes' tour. And he wasn't at all sure it was worth the little bit of fun he'd had.

* * *

He hadn't seen her since the fight over the guitar, hadn't talked to her. He worried she wouldn't show up, but she did. She came in through the back door at the end of the night and sat at the bar with Erika, just as they'd talked about. He announced her and invited her up on stage. They had agreed to do "No One Will Ever Love You", although he knew she was a little apprehensive about it. Watty and Bucky had both thought it would be a good one to do, since it was one of her biggest hits and something that fit the vibe of the Bluebird.

They hadn't performed the song together in close to fifteen years. Neither one of them had known that it would be the one thing that would break down those fragile walls they'd carefully constructed all those years ago. Neither one had expected that once they started singing, it would be as it had always been in those days, with everything around them fading away until it was just the two of them, singing what was in their hearts.

He could almost hear the glass breaking around them, as the barrier came down.

 _ **~nashville~**_

" _I wish we hadn't done that song," she whispered._

 _He breathed out. "Now what are we gonna do?" he asked._

 _She got out of his truck, tears filling her eyes, and headed for her car._

* * *

As she drove through the dark, quiet streets away from the Bluebird and towards her home, she wondered about that. _What in the hell are we gonna do now?_ Maybe no one else really knew they'd left it all out there on the Bluebird stage. Maybe no one else knew that, after over fourteen years apart, they'd given in to all that history and all that they felt for each other and had acknowledged silently what they'd tried so hard to deny.

As she'd sat there, pouring her heart out on the stage, everything around her had faded away and all that was left were her and Deacon. Just like the old days. In fact, it even felt like they'd been transported back to twenty years ago, when they first sang that song at the Bluebird. The song they'd written after Deacon's second stint in rehab. _I'm all you got / I'm all you'll ever need / I'm all you'll ever have._

She was conscious of the unshed tears in her eyes. She was also conscious of the fact that she was breathing deeply, in and out, desperately trying to push that genie back in the bottle. _No one will ever love you, like I do._

 _I love him. He loves me. What are we gonna do about that?_

 _ **THE END**_


End file.
